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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Sleep Tight, Don't Let The Fruity Doughnuts Bite!

As a general rule, I am not a picky sleeper.

I can pretty much sleep anywhere, anytime, in any condition. I'm the girl that can curl up in an un-reclined la-z-boy without so much as a throw pillow and wake up feeling totally refreshed after a pretzel-y 8 hours. When I'm pregnant, however - this isn't the case. The anywhere-anytime part still holds true for the most part - but I need a very specific arrangement of pillows (and many of them) to get myself comfortable. With babies as big as I make, I'm sure this is no surprise.

Once I'm snoozing though, the dreaming is....ridiculous. And this is true, pregnancy or not! I have one of those relentless, vivid imaginations - and that's true even if I'm not conscious. Ask any number of my friends about the ridiculous dream recaps I've filled them in on! I remember emotions and pictures and colors and smells - clear as day.

Being that I'm 4 weeks away from lactating and never sleeping, I don't think it's a shocker to tell you that I'm dreaming about birth, hospital stays, recovery, and the baby himself - in vivid detail. I've seen his face multiple times - sometimes up close, sometimes I'm looking at pictures of him or I'm watching myself send around texts announcing his arrival. I even had one dream where I watched a nurse measure him and with wide eyes announce that he was a whopping 10lbs 15oz (which is obviously my mind's great exaggeration of what he feels like).

Last night, though - I started dreaming in CRAVINGS!

I've had this insatiable hunger for all things fatty, sugary, and terrible for you. Cake, cookies, ice cream, brownies, muffins - you name it, I would love to devour more than my fair share (and my husband's, and my son's, and yours). Yesterday, while flipping through the newest edition of Living, I literally started to DROOL and immediately ran to the pantry to stuff my face with Voortman's Tea Rings. I'm not even going to tell you how many I ate, especially since I just provided you with the nutritional facts. Yes, every craving indulgence comes with a side of shame.

(BTW, I'm attributing these cravings to the fact that a fetus' main objective in the final weeks of pregnancy is to pack on fat so it's all baby's fault! This stuff better be collecting in squishy chubby rolls on HIS body and not mine!)

In last night's dream world, I was attending Bingo with my mom and sister. We arrived extremely early to a hall I've never seen before (and I've been around the Bingo circuit!). Since we had SO much spare time (seriously, we were there like an hour early to "get good seats" - who, under the age of 90, does that?!), my mom decided that she wanted to run out for some doughnuts. This is actually a pretty realistic scenario. My mom's impulsion to indulge in a craving is probably comparable to the one I harbor while pregnant. She and my sister set out to Dunkin' Donuts, and returned with a box of doughnuts large enough to feed a police squad. After resisting for a short time (and seriously sweating about it), I decided to mosey on over to the box and find a doughnut.

Disaster.

There I stood, in my salivating, impulsive glory, staring down at dozens of jelly and fruit-filled doughnuts. Strawberry, cherry, blueberry, apple - all running rampant through the sugar-sprinkled confections. I frantically tossed pastries aside, searching for ONE bavarian cream, chocolate glazed, or even PLAIN (for goodness sake)! Flip after flip I found sugary, fruity disappointments. Steaming, I marched off to my mom and sister (who were standing in the snack bar line to buy coffee) and DEMANDED to know where all of the GOOD doughnuts were. They pointed towards the box, which is when I exploded in a fury - loudly (embarrassingly) declaring "fruity doughnuts are disgusting, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!" I was met with a feeble, "well that's the kind we like!" - and just like that, the scene shifted.

Suddenly we were no longer at bingo. It was like their declaration of love for fruity doughnuts set me so far over the edge, I spontaneously transported to another time and place.

My mom was with me, and we were vising a preschool classroom. I was a college student again, and I'm not entirely sure why my mom was with me - but she came along to observe their method of doing things. I know that at least this part of the dream was due to the book I was reading just before bed, but apparently a piece from my bingo nightmare carried over. And I suppose it was so traumatic, that I brought more than my doughnut anger - I brought the source of the frustration with me, too - my mom.

So there we were, sitting at a small table at the back of the classroom, directly in front of a white board. I somehow received a message from a manager at The Mommies Network about writing an article on doughnuts. In an instant, I was flowing with energy - desperate to respond to her about letting ME write the article since I'd just had the PERFECT situation to draw experience from. Apparently, the white board could transmit messages to the forum (yeah, I don't know...), so I stood up and started writing. I can still picture it.

"O.M.G. Let me take this one! I just had the most frustrating doughnut experience - my mom bought all of the disgusting ones...."

And before I could finish, my husband was there with his hand on my arm. I turned to him, and with a look of utter disappointment that read "don't embarrass yourself in front of the professionals in this classroom" he shook his head and said, "Babe, no."

And it was at this moment that I woke up, frozen in the exact same position that I fell asleep in (I told you, I sleep HARD) - with my husbands hand actually on my arm, trying to tell me that our son was awake.

I groggily filled hubs in on the ridiculous details, and he laughed (as expected), teasing me with an exaggerated "Let the doughnuts go! It's not worth it!!!".

Excuse me.

Cravings are no laughing matter! Not to a nearly-nine-months-pregnant woman. Fulfilling them ranks up there with completing the nursery and installing a car seat. He should know that by now!

I suppose this ended up being a dream come true, considering I'm here - writing this for you. I actually did get to fulfill one craving - I'm filling wonderful women of The Mommies Network in on the horrible disappointment of fruit-filled doughnuts, and expressing the importance of the ones containing some form of chocolate. What would you do without me? You can now have pleasant, pregnant, yummy doughnut dreams.

You're welcome.

Post submitted by Jenn, National Blog Manager for The Mommies Network and quirky stay-at-home-mom who blogs at The Very Best Housewife. Originally submitted to The Very Best Housewife blog on June 20, 2011.

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