Menu Monday - Poppy Seed Chicken
26 minutes ago
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
A Dad’s Point-of-View: My Word Is My Bond
Do you remember the old phrases, “He is as good as his word,” or “My word is my bond,” or “A handshake is all I need (in the way of a deal)?” Do you remember when we didn’t think lawyers were the first people we had to call before we made a deal? Do you remember when a contract was just a page or two? Do you remember when your friends returned your phone calls promptly and a RSVP meant something?
What happened? What happened to someone following through on a commitment of “Yes” or “I’ll get back to you?” or “I’ll be there.” I fear our children will have fewer of these kinds of business or personal encounters. The irony is that we have much faster and easier methods of communication yet all it seems to have done is to make life more complicated and less trustworthy.
I don’t like this change. Not one bit. And, frankly, I still rail against it, and expect better of my friends and those I work with. I know that having expectations usually only leads to being let down, but I can’t help still hoping that people will behave as I try to do--with a sense of honor, follow through, and respect.
My former work life should have taught be well not to have these expectations since showbiz is notorious for its flakes and deal breaking. But, I never got used to it. Late in my showbiz career, a good friend betrayed me, and it really broke my heart in a way from which I never fully recovered or regained my enthusiasm for working in the entertainment business. I left that business shortly thereafter. As with so many things that seem bad at the time, I look back at that incident as a positive life change, though it didn’t feel like it at the time.
Now I am better at minimizing my expectations in launching my second career as a writer and, more recently, as a radio show host. To get my column launched, I sent out thousands of e-mail messages addressed to specific editors, publishers, webmasters, and others in charge at newspapers and websites across the country and, later, around the world (only in English speaking countries).
Yet, I still had modest expectations that some small, but reasonable percentage of the recipients of my e-mail messages might take the time to read some of the samples I sent and respond. Maybe they’d say, “Thanks, but no thanks” or, better yet, maybe they’d say, “Love your writing; we must have it.”
I got about a 2% response rate and about a ½% “we’d like to have your column” response. That comes out to one out of every 200 e-mail messages I sent led to my column being carried by a newspaper or website. The first of these, I might add, was The Santa Barbara News Press when Arthur Von Wiesenberger, one of its publishers, sent me a wonderfully warm e-mail response offering my first “official” job as a columnist at a paper.
But, one out of 200! You need thick skin to take that kind of rejection. To be clear, that meant that 196 out of the 200 e-mail messages that I sent were either not read, deleted, or rejected as spam--who knows?
The other thing that puzzles me occurs in my personal life and also relates to e-mail messages. As my mind and interests are varied, I used to like to share a variety of links, music, photos, jokes, and such with my friends. Over time, it became clear that most preferred not to be bothered. This is yet another puzzling change in human intercourse.
My more recent experience in trying to secure sponsors for my radio show was the straw that broke this camel’s back. Naturally, the first places I sought sponsors were with friends in businesses that I thought would be a good fit with my show and audience.
However, as I’ve stated earlier, the methods of doing business seem to have changed. I got lots of encouragement, lots of “I’m interested,” and ultimately lots of “I’ll get back to you” with few actually getting back to me at all. These weren’t strangers that I sent unsolicited e-mail message to but, rather, people I worked with, I hired and paid for their services, and in some cases considered friends. And they, too, were not being up-front and honest.
Why wouldn’t they just say “No?” I followed up several times until it became clear that they were unable or unwilling to give me that “No” as if ignoring my request could possibly be better? Or, as my wife has suggested and is probably right, they just had other priorities in their lives and would get to it on their schedule, not mine. And, that is the lesson for me to learn and to pass on to my boys.
My boys will live, work, and play in this different world where common courtesy often is the exception, but if they understand “the game” they will be better prepared and less disappointed. Business will still get done and friends will still be friends. . They will eventually enter and have to learn to deal with this “brave new world” in which business and personal affairs are conducted in such a haphazard and unprofessional manner.
But, I still don’t like it.
Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce created and launched a new website for those who would like Tech help, called BoomerTechTalk (http://www.BoomerTechTalk.com). Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 100 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.
What happened? What happened to someone following through on a commitment of “Yes” or “I’ll get back to you?” or “I’ll be there.” I fear our children will have fewer of these kinds of business or personal encounters. The irony is that we have much faster and easier methods of communication yet all it seems to have done is to make life more complicated and less trustworthy.
I don’t like this change. Not one bit. And, frankly, I still rail against it, and expect better of my friends and those I work with. I know that having expectations usually only leads to being let down, but I can’t help still hoping that people will behave as I try to do--with a sense of honor, follow through, and respect.
My former work life should have taught be well not to have these expectations since showbiz is notorious for its flakes and deal breaking. But, I never got used to it. Late in my showbiz career, a good friend betrayed me, and it really broke my heart in a way from which I never fully recovered or regained my enthusiasm for working in the entertainment business. I left that business shortly thereafter. As with so many things that seem bad at the time, I look back at that incident as a positive life change, though it didn’t feel like it at the time.
Now I am better at minimizing my expectations in launching my second career as a writer and, more recently, as a radio show host. To get my column launched, I sent out thousands of e-mail messages addressed to specific editors, publishers, webmasters, and others in charge at newspapers and websites across the country and, later, around the world (only in English speaking countries).
Yet, I still had modest expectations that some small, but reasonable percentage of the recipients of my e-mail messages might take the time to read some of the samples I sent and respond. Maybe they’d say, “Thanks, but no thanks” or, better yet, maybe they’d say, “Love your writing; we must have it.”
I got about a 2% response rate and about a ½% “we’d like to have your column” response. That comes out to one out of every 200 e-mail messages I sent led to my column being carried by a newspaper or website. The first of these, I might add, was The Santa Barbara News Press when Arthur Von Wiesenberger, one of its publishers, sent me a wonderfully warm e-mail response offering my first “official” job as a columnist at a paper.
But, one out of 200! You need thick skin to take that kind of rejection. To be clear, that meant that 196 out of the 200 e-mail messages that I sent were either not read, deleted, or rejected as spam--who knows?
The other thing that puzzles me occurs in my personal life and also relates to e-mail messages. As my mind and interests are varied, I used to like to share a variety of links, music, photos, jokes, and such with my friends. Over time, it became clear that most preferred not to be bothered. This is yet another puzzling change in human intercourse.
My more recent experience in trying to secure sponsors for my radio show was the straw that broke this camel’s back. Naturally, the first places I sought sponsors were with friends in businesses that I thought would be a good fit with my show and audience.
However, as I’ve stated earlier, the methods of doing business seem to have changed. I got lots of encouragement, lots of “I’m interested,” and ultimately lots of “I’ll get back to you” with few actually getting back to me at all. These weren’t strangers that I sent unsolicited e-mail message to but, rather, people I worked with, I hired and paid for their services, and in some cases considered friends. And they, too, were not being up-front and honest.
Why wouldn’t they just say “No?” I followed up several times until it became clear that they were unable or unwilling to give me that “No” as if ignoring my request could possibly be better? Or, as my wife has suggested and is probably right, they just had other priorities in their lives and would get to it on their schedule, not mine. And, that is the lesson for me to learn and to pass on to my boys.
My boys will live, work, and play in this different world where common courtesy often is the exception, but if they understand “the game” they will be better prepared and less disappointed. Business will still get done and friends will still be friends. . They will eventually enter and have to learn to deal with this “brave new world” in which business and personal affairs are conducted in such a haphazard and unprofessional manner.
But, I still don’t like it.
Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce created and launched a new website for those who would like Tech help, called BoomerTechTalk (http://www.BoomerTechTalk.com). Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 100 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Indispensable
I’m wondering if I’ve made myself indispensable. I know. It sounds weird. It’s just the best word I can think of when I try to describe what I mean. Let me explain…
You see, as a wife, mom – heck, even as an employee when I was working – I always want to seem “irreplaceable.” I want to bring something unique that only I can do. I want to fulfill my purpose in that role. But within my family and within ministry (my “field of work”), isn’t part of my responsibility to equip people? Shouldn’t I be training my children to be able to think, decide and act on their own without my “help” each time? Shouldn’t I have things organized so that my husband can function without asking me where, what, when, where, why and how? Shouldn’t I be training others so that they can step in easily and easily continue the work to be done?
I realized, after I knew that I would be leaving my last ministry job, that I had been doing too much myself. I had allowed others to rely on me too much instead of giving them the tools the needed. I would just do what needed to be done. Then, when the time came to list all the tasks that I did, the hats that I wore, the things to be done – WOW! I shouldn’t have been doing all that. I failed in my responsibility to equip the people to do the work of the saints. Yes, good ministry went on without me. From the questions I got before – and after – I left, it’s obvious to me that I did too much and didn’t ask for enough help so that others could also know. I didn’t bring others along side of me.
And now, I’m learning that lesson at home. I wonder if I’ve been doing too much for my family. I soooooo want them all to succeed. I want my family to be valued, responsible, contributing members of society. I want them to be purposeful and contributing members to God’s Kingdom. So, I make sure they have their stuff for school. I make sure they have clothes washed for work. I remind them when chores are not done. I wake them up. I tell them when it’s time for bed. I cook almost every meal so they can have food ready to eat. I do the shopping. I plan the gifts. I organize the… You get the picture. I do it all. Yes, I realize that as the wife and mother in this family, that much of that is my role. But where does it stop helping and start hindering my family?
Yesterday, spaghetti was on the menu for dinner. I was just not up to cooking. I had started the water for the noodles and just couldn’t do any more. They needed to finish. I was asked 3 times how to cook spaghetti. Noodles in a box. Sauce in a jar. Ground beef optional. Three times!! I’ve done something wrong here. When a simple dinner cannot be fixed without my assistance, I’ve not done my job in equipping my family to function on their own.
And now I’m wondering about what other areas of living have I made myself indispensable? Am I taking on too much responsibility and not allowing my children to be responsible for themselves? Am I being too much of a helper to my husband? I realize that many of the tasks I question are age appropriate, but am I starting to train them up in the way they should go? Am I teaching them well?
Or am I expecting too much?
Maybe I like to be indispensable. I like to feel needed. I like to be depended on. I like to feel like it can’t be done without me. I like to feel important. And then my pride starts creeping in, making me thing that I’m something I’m not.
Am I a good wife and mom? Yes. I do believe that. Do I really want to be indispensable in my family? No. I want to be irreplaceable, but I also want to equip my family to be able to function together, without my constant directions. Does that mean that I have to let go of many of my expectations? Absolutely. I have to allow them the opportunity to fail too. I have to allow them the opportunity to mess up, try again and learn from their own mistakes. I can’t teach those lessons to them. I don’t want my heart to hurt when I watch them learn that way, but I also know that I have learned my most powerful lessons through my own failures in life. Like now. Heart hurts, lessons learned. Time to make a change and move in a new direction.
Kris shares life with her husband and 4 children (and another on the way). Visit her blog at www.krismares.wordpress.com to learn more about her family and how she's trying to raise responsible children.
You see, as a wife, mom – heck, even as an employee when I was working – I always want to seem “irreplaceable.” I want to bring something unique that only I can do. I want to fulfill my purpose in that role. But within my family and within ministry (my “field of work”), isn’t part of my responsibility to equip people? Shouldn’t I be training my children to be able to think, decide and act on their own without my “help” each time? Shouldn’t I have things organized so that my husband can function without asking me where, what, when, where, why and how? Shouldn’t I be training others so that they can step in easily and easily continue the work to be done?
I realized, after I knew that I would be leaving my last ministry job, that I had been doing too much myself. I had allowed others to rely on me too much instead of giving them the tools the needed. I would just do what needed to be done. Then, when the time came to list all the tasks that I did, the hats that I wore, the things to be done – WOW! I shouldn’t have been doing all that. I failed in my responsibility to equip the people to do the work of the saints. Yes, good ministry went on without me. From the questions I got before – and after – I left, it’s obvious to me that I did too much and didn’t ask for enough help so that others could also know. I didn’t bring others along side of me.
And now, I’m learning that lesson at home. I wonder if I’ve been doing too much for my family. I soooooo want them all to succeed. I want my family to be valued, responsible, contributing members of society. I want them to be purposeful and contributing members to God’s Kingdom. So, I make sure they have their stuff for school. I make sure they have clothes washed for work. I remind them when chores are not done. I wake them up. I tell them when it’s time for bed. I cook almost every meal so they can have food ready to eat. I do the shopping. I plan the gifts. I organize the… You get the picture. I do it all. Yes, I realize that as the wife and mother in this family, that much of that is my role. But where does it stop helping and start hindering my family?
Yesterday, spaghetti was on the menu for dinner. I was just not up to cooking. I had started the water for the noodles and just couldn’t do any more. They needed to finish. I was asked 3 times how to cook spaghetti. Noodles in a box. Sauce in a jar. Ground beef optional. Three times!! I’ve done something wrong here. When a simple dinner cannot be fixed without my assistance, I’ve not done my job in equipping my family to function on their own.
And now I’m wondering about what other areas of living have I made myself indispensable? Am I taking on too much responsibility and not allowing my children to be responsible for themselves? Am I being too much of a helper to my husband? I realize that many of the tasks I question are age appropriate, but am I starting to train them up in the way they should go? Am I teaching them well?
Or am I expecting too much?
Maybe I like to be indispensable. I like to feel needed. I like to be depended on. I like to feel like it can’t be done without me. I like to feel important. And then my pride starts creeping in, making me thing that I’m something I’m not.
Am I a good wife and mom? Yes. I do believe that. Do I really want to be indispensable in my family? No. I want to be irreplaceable, but I also want to equip my family to be able to function together, without my constant directions. Does that mean that I have to let go of many of my expectations? Absolutely. I have to allow them the opportunity to fail too. I have to allow them the opportunity to mess up, try again and learn from their own mistakes. I can’t teach those lessons to them. I don’t want my heart to hurt when I watch them learn that way, but I also know that I have learned my most powerful lessons through my own failures in life. Like now. Heart hurts, lessons learned. Time to make a change and move in a new direction.
Kris shares life with her husband and 4 children (and another on the way). Visit her blog at www.krismares.wordpress.com to learn more about her family and how she's trying to raise responsible children.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
In the time of giving, Goodsearch comes through!
Hello Members of TMN:
This month I am very excited to share that Goodsearch has announced they will be giving away $15,000! The great thing about it is that all we have to do is install their toolbar. Easy Peasy, Right? I personally use this toolbar and love that it tells me how much I am going to raise for TMN as well as all the coupons available for my use. Did you know that Target.com has 10 coupons available and will donate 1.5% - 3.5% to TMN just for my purchase?! I wouldn't have either had it not been for this great toolbar. It does not slow down my computer, works great and supports a great cause. Try it!!
Details here on how to install, works on IE and Firefox browsers both
http://www.goodsearch.com/nonprofit/mommies-network-tmn.aspx
Supporting TMN helps to support our site, adds money back to keep our site running, helps pay for events, donate to other charities we support, and more, keeps our site free for mommies to join. So every little bit we can do helps out.
Happy toolbar installing!!
Monday, October 11, 2010
A Dad’s Point-of-View: R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find Out What It Means to Me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find Out What It Means to Me
Respect. Isn’t that really all parents want from their kids? Isn’t it about the hardest thing to actually teach them to do--treat us with respect? I struggle with this a great deal due to the way my two teenage boys sometimes speak to me, respond to a request, and generally behave. It is not with much respect, at times, and I don’t like it.
Aretha had the biggest hit with her rendition of “Respect” though it was originally performed by Otis Redding in 1965 (here’s a link to a great video of her performing it in 1968: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1M2fk72mfw&feature=related). Some of the lyrics to that classic song resonant for me on this topic: “All I’m askin’ for is a little respect…”
So, what is the solution? I think it may be in our demands and expectations of our kids. If we allow them to be disrespectful, we are essentially condoning that behavior. I finally realized that certain things just were no long acceptable between my sons and me and that there had to be serious consequences if they were not being respectful.
I often come back to the inherent parenting dilemma, I believe, of my generation. We want to be our kids’ buddies rather than their parents. Being a buddy means being a friend, and letting a lot of things slide. Being a buddy means not demanding a level of respect that parents have historically been given without much question until the sixties when all “authority” was called into question in some quarters of our country.
Going biblical, we’ve got one of the Ten Commandments that says, “Honor Thy Father and Mother.” What exactly does that mean? A man I greatly respect, Dennis Prager, believes that commandment is the most important of the ten! Why? Everything else comes from that relationship between parent and child. When children “honor” their parents, they learn the tools to live life with grace, respect, and principles.
Dennis Prager does not expect the child of an abusive/bad parents to honor them beyond honoring the institution of parenting. Nor do I. But, in the more common scenario of a healthy father and mother, it is our obligation and duty to literally demand that respect and “honor.” And, frankly, I’ve laid down on that job, partly due to guilt over what they went through in my divorce and also just plain laziness as I, too, like being their buddy.
I know I’m doing them and myself no service by not teaching them to respect my authority which, in turn, will teach them to respect all the authority figures that they will encounter on their journey to adulthood, from teachers to employers. What I’ve allowed them to get away with, as far as respect goes, would cost them better grades, jobs, and/or success at work in “real life.” I am therefore not doing my job of being the best parent I can be.
Today, I made a breakthrough after my younger son questioned my participation in a task I’d asked him to help with, related to our moving. I asked him to join in loading my truck, packing up some of his stuff, and otherwise contributing to our family effort to move. As I had done a lot of the “heavy lifting” already, I expressed that it was my son’s turn. His response was, “Well then, what are you going to do?” The implication being that I wasn’t doing my share.
The fact that he’d slept in till noon that day and most days of the summer while his step-mom and I had been working since early in the mornings, evidently escaped him. The fact that both of us had already done some of our primary work of the day and made a trip to our new home with boxes of our stuff, also escaped him because he was sleeping.
It took me a full day to realize the level of disrespect he was displaying and I was sanctioning by my non-response. I did an inventory of these issues and realized where I was failing as a dad and parent. So, today, I sat him down and explained what I expect of him, what was acceptable, and what were not, and the consequences of another display of this sort of disrespect. He was quiet; he was sullen.
But, he GOT IT! The rest of the day, he was bending over backwards to be helpful. It sunk in. For me, it was hard to be so harsh, or so I thought, but it was what he needed and what our kids often need from us. They need us to teach them about real life, the real world (and I’m not talking some dumb MTV series), so they won’t get fired from that job when they question an apparently waste-of-time task a boss asks of them.
That is my job. That is your job. We had kids; we have a responsibility to teach them respect. Deal with it.
Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 100 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Dear Birth Mother
Dear Birth Mother,
Our daughter recently celebrated a birthday. As we celebrated, I wonder if you remember her and think about the day she was born? Do you remember holding her as a newborn, smelling her head, counting her fingers and toes? As I think about our daughter now, I so wonder what that moment must’ve been like. I wonder what her infant cry sounded like. I wonder if she liked to nuzzle in the crook of your arm or the space between your chin and your neck. What did she feel like in your arms?
As I feel my own child growing inside of me, I wonder if our daughter was a kicker too. Did she like to hang off your rib cage? Did she spread out wide so you could feel her everywhere, or did she like to ball up and just PRESS into one area? What sounds did our daughter like to hear as she grew inside of you?
As I watch my smaller children play and grow, and I think about the stories our daughter tells of growing up as a smaller child, I wonder what your memories are of those same moments. Did you smile when you saw her laughing and jumping in the surf? Did you curse the sand that ended up throughout the house after a day at the beach? What memory still makes you smile? Which one makes you cry? And now, do you wonder where she is?
Our daughter is safe, loved and part of a beautiful family. A family that God knitted together just for her. She has siblings again. She’s learning a new definition of family. She’s learning a new definition of mom, too. Sometimes, as we struggle to define this relationship, I’ll be honest, I get mad. I get mad that I didn’t get to help define it from the beginning. I get mad that it even has to be redefined. I get mad that there is this other image of mom that I compete with. And then I have to remember, if it wasn’t for you, our daughter would never be a part of my life. So as much as I get mad, I try to be grateful for the life you gave and the experiences you shared with each other. Good and bad, those experiences have shaped who our daughter is today.
Our daughter is really great. I don’t take much credit for that because so much of who she is doesn’t even come from me. It comes from you, from early family, from foster parents, friends and people in her life today. But mostly who she is comes from an amazing something that God placed on her while she was still growing inside of you. From the moment our daughter was created, well really, long before that, God knew who she is and who she will be. God has protected our daughter from the time in your womb through today. What’s great is that she sees it and knows it too. As we look back at her life, we both see so many times that circumstances might have been different, but God intervened and protected her from those life circumstances.
I don’t know where you are today or what you are doing. I don’t know where your choices have taken you. I do know that I love your daughter. She may have been placed in your womb, but I know she was placed in my heart long ago. I love her like I gave birth to her. I hope you can understand that. I want to think that I love her more than you do, but I know that there is a special love of a mom and her child. Even though our daughter is no longer in your life, I hope that thoughts of her somehow bring a smile to your face and a hope that our daughter walks a better path in life.
Our daughter is loved. Our daughter is strong. Our daughter is full of dreams and visions for the future. She is full of hope of better things yet to come. Our daughter is beautiful – and you had a part in that. For that I thank you. I forgive you. And maybe someday, we’ll be able to share special memories of her. But for now, know that our daughter is so much more than I ever could have asked for.
Kris lives with her husband, 4 children (and another on the way), 2 dogs, the lizard and various other "creatures." Visit her blog at www.krismares.wordpress.com to learn more about her family and their adoption story.
Our daughter recently celebrated a birthday. As we celebrated, I wonder if you remember her and think about the day she was born? Do you remember holding her as a newborn, smelling her head, counting her fingers and toes? As I think about our daughter now, I so wonder what that moment must’ve been like. I wonder what her infant cry sounded like. I wonder if she liked to nuzzle in the crook of your arm or the space between your chin and your neck. What did she feel like in your arms?
As I feel my own child growing inside of me, I wonder if our daughter was a kicker too. Did she like to hang off your rib cage? Did she spread out wide so you could feel her everywhere, or did she like to ball up and just PRESS into one area? What sounds did our daughter like to hear as she grew inside of you?
As I watch my smaller children play and grow, and I think about the stories our daughter tells of growing up as a smaller child, I wonder what your memories are of those same moments. Did you smile when you saw her laughing and jumping in the surf? Did you curse the sand that ended up throughout the house after a day at the beach? What memory still makes you smile? Which one makes you cry? And now, do you wonder where she is?
Our daughter is safe, loved and part of a beautiful family. A family that God knitted together just for her. She has siblings again. She’s learning a new definition of family. She’s learning a new definition of mom, too. Sometimes, as we struggle to define this relationship, I’ll be honest, I get mad. I get mad that I didn’t get to help define it from the beginning. I get mad that it even has to be redefined. I get mad that there is this other image of mom that I compete with. And then I have to remember, if it wasn’t for you, our daughter would never be a part of my life. So as much as I get mad, I try to be grateful for the life you gave and the experiences you shared with each other. Good and bad, those experiences have shaped who our daughter is today.
Our daughter is really great. I don’t take much credit for that because so much of who she is doesn’t even come from me. It comes from you, from early family, from foster parents, friends and people in her life today. But mostly who she is comes from an amazing something that God placed on her while she was still growing inside of you. From the moment our daughter was created, well really, long before that, God knew who she is and who she will be. God has protected our daughter from the time in your womb through today. What’s great is that she sees it and knows it too. As we look back at her life, we both see so many times that circumstances might have been different, but God intervened and protected her from those life circumstances.
I don’t know where you are today or what you are doing. I don’t know where your choices have taken you. I do know that I love your daughter. She may have been placed in your womb, but I know she was placed in my heart long ago. I love her like I gave birth to her. I hope you can understand that. I want to think that I love her more than you do, but I know that there is a special love of a mom and her child. Even though our daughter is no longer in your life, I hope that thoughts of her somehow bring a smile to your face and a hope that our daughter walks a better path in life.
Our daughter is loved. Our daughter is strong. Our daughter is full of dreams and visions for the future. She is full of hope of better things yet to come. Our daughter is beautiful – and you had a part in that. For that I thank you. I forgive you. And maybe someday, we’ll be able to share special memories of her. But for now, know that our daughter is so much more than I ever could have asked for.
Kris lives with her husband, 4 children (and another on the way), 2 dogs, the lizard and various other "creatures." Visit her blog at www.krismares.wordpress.com to learn more about her family and their adoption story.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Anyone else get annoyed?
Okay, so I am not even sure where to start with this, other than I am slightly perturbed at the moment.
I am a divorced mom of an almost 12 year old daughter who is in the 6th grade. You would think, that by the 6th grade, and having divorced parents her entire life, she would comprehend the importance of a mom/dad folder and that when dad was done looking at stuff, it would go to mom's house the next night and when mom was done looking at stuff it would go to dad's the next night - sounds simple enough - right? WRONG!
I don't know how over the course of seven years (if you count kindergarten) that it hasn't sunk into her or her dad's or the school's head that this is the process.
Seriously, I am not sure who to be more annoyed at, my ex-husband, my daughter or the school district. What is going to happen when she goes to Middle School next year? Am I going to see nothing? Then you add to the list my mother who has her one night a week. Do you think she calls me and goes over anything that is in my daughters folder - nope!
I don't know why I am complaining, sending emails or even wasting my breath, I feel like all I do is spin my wheels.
Here is a good example of what is going on. This is a dialogue from last night...
Me to my daughter Sammie: Where is my MOM folder?
Sammie: I don't know.
Me: What do you mean "you don't know?"
Sammie: I must have left it at school.
Me: Do you realize I haven't seen anything since school started?
Sammie: Yes
Me: Well, how am I supposed to fill out paperwork, know what you are learning and stay in contact with your teachers if you don't bring home paperwork?
Sammie: I don't know.
Me: You have one more chance to bring it all home on Friday or you are grounded all weekend.
Sammie: Okay
Now, does that sound even remotely like a child who will remember to bring it home Friday? It sure doesn't to me. I don't get it, I really don't. Someone please explain it to me. I think I am going crazy - I then had an almost exact conversation with her dad when I took her home last night.
Some think I am a bad mom since I let Sammie live with her dad/step-mom, but they don't know my situation or why I do it. Part of it is I don't have a place of my own. Part of it is the fact I have a lot of doctor appointments and some pretty bad days where I can't manage to help her with her homework and such at night, so it is better for her to be where she can get help, but day after day I see things deteriorating between us, like she doesn't care if I do or don't see what she does and that I am not important in her life anymore.
I realize she has a tough life, divorced parents, one Catholic, one a Jehovah's Witness. She has grandparents in Ohio and Tennessee, family spread all over the place, and it is a struggle to give her everything that she wants and sometimes what she needs. What is a mom to do? I keep doing what I can to make her happy and make sure she has nice clothes, her hair is cut and she has stuff to keep her busy that doesn't involve the television, like arts and crafts, cooking/baking and having friends over for a sleep over/play date.
It is obvious that her life isn't the "normal" life that most kids have, if you look at her living situations and how we as a family go about things. I just want things to get better....just don't know how.
Joelyn Morgan is a single mom of Samantha who is 11 years old. Joelyn is a member of ClevelandMommies.com and just recently became the site administrator. Read more of Joelyn's blogs at: http://joelynmorgan.blogspot.com.
Joelyn Morgan is a single mom of Samantha who is 11 years old. Joelyn is a member of ClevelandMommies.com and just recently became the site administrator. Read more of Joelyn's blogs at: http://joelynmorgan.blogspot.com.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)