Defending Dads

I love to laugh, especially at imaginative and funny TV commercials. However lately, I’ve seen a disturbing trend in the ones that poke fun at men and fathers as if they were congenital dunces! In fact, this actually worries me!

Okay… I get it! Women, as statistical facts indicate, are the major decision makers in most households so these TV ads are aimed at women not necessarily to denigrate men, but to play on women’s emotions in hopes that they’ll slice the family savings account for products and services. One has to wonder though, when the subliminal types of messages with their disparaging facial expressions, belittling body language or overt condescending language toward men become part of our everyday thinking. Are women and girls being beguiled to disvalue boys and men? I certainly hope not; because eventually these girls and boys will marry, and they must know how to respect and honor each other for their nuptials to have a chance, and to set a high-quality example for their own kids.

Over the last few decades, women’s roles have grown exponentially outside of the home yet they have also maintained their domestic role and maternal inclinations of child rearing. For this they deserve immense respect. In fairness to men, their growth also deserves respect. I am pleased to see many movements where men embrace their vital role as parent, express detachment from their traditional role of “breadwinner” and share domestic responsibilities. So why, when so many men are trying so hard, is there a culture that mocks them? Why do the TV media, extreme feminists, and Hollywood starlets purposely choosing single parenthood, perpetuating trends that advocate the “I don’t need a man mentality? I’m all for the independence of any given individual but when it comes to rearing children, both a mother and a father are ideal.

Research supports my belief that men, generally speaking, deserve to be respected (even if a woman can do their job) and fathers deserve to be heartily defended for their roles, which frankly, women cannot replicate!

Psychologist John Gottman outlines research stating that even though mothers generally spent more time with kids than fathers, that the quality of interaction provided by fathers was a more powerful predictor of the child’s later success or failure with school and friends. It was believed that fathers have this extreme influence on their children because their particular type of bonding evoked powerful emotions in kids. It is important to note, however, that a physically present dad didn’t create this research finding, but that the emotionally present dad did! So kudos to dads who choose to be present in this manner!

This is further supported by the following research based facts listed at the National Fatherhood Initiative.

• The National Center for Educational Statistics reported that when fathers are involved in their children's education, the kids were more likely to get A’s, enjoy school, and participate in extracurricular activities.
• Kids with engaged fathers demonstrate "a greater ability to take initiative and evidence self-control."
• When these boys grew up, they were more likely to be good dads themselves.

But when fathers are devalued, here's the result:

• Their children have a higher rate of asthma, headaches, anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems.
• Teenagers are at greater risk of alcohol, tobacco, and illicit drug use, and suicide
• Adolescent girls are 3 times more likely to engage in sexual relations by the time they turn 15 and 5 times more likely to become a teen mother.

Here’s more: In 1996, Duncan, et. al. found that “For predicting a child’s self esteem, it is sustained contact with the father that matters for sons, but physical affection from fathers that matters for daughters.”

The list proving a father’s worth goes on and on but in fairness to the moms (remember that I’m one too) you bet you matter by leaps and bounds! But we have to realize it isn’t a race about who’s a better person or parent. Each of us has a vital role to play in the lives of children and sometimes, circumstances create it so that a dad just can’t be present. If your child’s dad is missing in action because of necessary travel, divorce, death, or simply detachment, then you are my hero for doing the job solo. However, when Dad is around and doing his job, try not to let those derogatory TV commercials subtly get to you. Value your children’s Dad and remember to thank him. And know that your kids are watching your every move. If you treat men respectfully, they will learn to do the same.

Please don’t treat Dad like the babysitter with a list of instructional do’s and don’ts. Allow his personality to shine in his own unique way. You might just find that the man will surprise you when he’s allowed to think and act for himself. After all, what’s more important? A father feeling good about spending time with kids, or worrying about “mom” reaming him out because little tikes ears weren’t cleaned well enough? Mom needs to be Dad’s partner, not his gatekeeper.

I, for one, am not waiting around for Father’s Day! I’d like to thank my husband who is a fantastic Dad, and all the men, who give of themselves not just physically, but emotionally, to nurture their kids into happy, successful citizens of our world. Good job Dads! Keep up the great work! Our future generations depend on it!

Keyuri Joshi RN, MSN, is a Certified Parenting and Emotional Intelligence Coach. A "personal trainer" for parents, Keyuri assists moms or dads build and use a toolbox to achieve the goals they desire. She also teaches parents to build emotional and social intelligence skills in children. These are research proven "must have" skills which schools do not teach. Keyuri offers all parents a complimentary consultation and can be reached through her website, www.ontheballparent.com

First Impressions and a Temper Tantrum

Ever since we were young, we have been taught that first impressions are everything. Well, I think that the person who created that statement must have never had children. Did they know how hard it is to make a good first impression when your child is acting up?

I have always found that somewhat interesting; the first impression issue.

Just recently I was at a birthday party that my sister had invited me to. I knew no one there and this was the first time taking my children out to a place since we had moved to the area. I was determined to reach out to others and make a good impression so I could make those potential connections.

BUT

They were going wild. My two boys are still learning that not every party revolves around them. You would think with them being twins that they would be able to “share the spotlight” but that is a whole other issue by itself.

They were yelling because they couldn’t see this, or screaming because they wanted that. I was horrified with the eyes that kept looking over at us.

I will say that MOST parents understand that just because the child acts up, doesn’t mean the parent is bad…kids have minds of their own.

But it still doesn’t help you when you are trying to make that first impression.

My children don’t always act up and are pretty good in public, but there are a few times they just have meltdowns for one reason or another.

What does a mother do?

That last thing you can do to a mother who is trying to calm her child is glare at her, her children or make comments…because we are just looking for an outlet. We are looking for another venue to let out our frustrations.

Parenting is NOT the easiest thing in the world and I will say it baffles me about how many are so quick to judge the parent based on the attitude of a child, the first time they meet them. Kids have good days, and they will have their bad days…just like adults.

Parents with younger children know and almost always just smile that ‘I know’ smile, but I have noticed that many of the older generation seem to have forgotten and many times have been judged for many reasons and all because my children were emotional that day.

I will never judge someone based on the first temper tantrum that a child decides to throw when you first meet someone. Instead, I will offer empathy and maybe try to diffuse the situation. Some kids calm quickly when someone else starts talking to them. I know when my son was acting up at the store someone turned around and simply said ‘hi’ and started talking to them, he straightened out real quick. It was such a relief to find such kindness and it renews your faith in people.

So what is a parent to do? You have an important thing to go to like a wedding, a friend’s promotion, or a funeral…or maybe it is a simple get together with you trying to make those new connections.

Every child is different, so there will never be just one way to handle the situation.

So I think it goes out to others. There is not a whole lot we as mothers and fathers can do if our kids decide they are unhappy on a day. All we can hope for is that their unhappiness for that moment isn’t used as a part of the judging criteria when making that first impression.

This Post was written by Rachel Munoz (twinsmomma) of AlbuquerqueMommies where she is a member and site administrator.

She is happily married and has a set of twin boys that she absolutely adores. She works from home decorating cakes, and attends school with a major in psychology

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A Season of Grace

Today at lunch, my friend, Rosemary asked, "So how do you like being a mom?"

I paused. My other friend, Sharan, chimed in, "Some days better than others, right?"

So true. I love being a mom and staying home with the kids - most of the time. I'm just not always very good at it.

"This is just not my 'season of grace,'" I finally said. I stole that phrase from my friend, Serina. She was consoling me when I called to tell her about my abnormally calm sister-in-law who just had a baby. I had visited Natalie and the baby for a few days and left there utterly confounded. Where were her tears (my sister's, not the baby's)? Where were the hormonal rages, the sleep-deprived zombie-like stares, and emotional breakdowns? I certainly wasn't wishing them on her, I just assumed they were all part of the birthing process. I left wondering what the heck was wrong with me? Why did I run around like a chicken with its head cut off and cry at the drop of a hat when I had babies?

Like me, Serina has had her ups and downs making the transition into parenthood. "This is just not our season of grace," she explained. She offered hope that one day we, too, would be in our element with our kids, knowing just what to say and do at just the right times. Maybe when they were in middle school, she pondered aloud. (Or maybe in about 30 years, I thought to myself.)

Okay, so it's not my season. But isn't there some middle ground? If I'm not graceful, does that mean I have to be graceless? Constantly floundering for all the world to see?

We recently visited Mammoth Cave (the longest cave system in the world located right here in the great state of KY). About 5 minutes into the 1 hour 15 minute tour, Parker said, "Mommy, let's get out of here! I want to go [the 1 hour 30 minute hellish van ride] home!" Meanwhile, Maddie's arms encircled my neck in a tenacious death grip as I bent low to avoid the ceiling and slipped down the wet passages. She utilized a very clever system to ensure I would carry her the entire tour. Every time her feet touched the ground she emitted deafening shrieks which echoed off the cavern walls, endearing us to our fellow spelunkers and drowning out the tour guide.

A kind, old man approached us and addressed Parker. "Do you want to come with Grandpa Greg? This here is my grandson, Connor." Parker happily held their hands and prattled on and on about his friend named Connor in Seattle. I sighed. Simultaneously relieved and embarrassed, I realized the reason random strangers so often offer to help me with the kids...I just have an air of desperation about me.

But you know, that's okay. This season of gracelessness is enabling me to recognize a greater power in my life. My desperation is not synonymous with hopelessness. It is simply me (and everyone around me) recognizing I am at the end of my rope. Then my God, whom I can't see, sends someone I can see to help me along this journey. Thank you, Father.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

This is a post by Jessie Rausch, stay-at-home mother of two wonderfully zany children. She blogs to preserve her cherished memories as well as her sanity. Come one, come all to the Rausch Family Circus! http://rauschfamilycircus.blogspot.com/

The New Mommy

Hi. I’m the New Mommy. No, I’m not A new mommy, I’m THE New Mommy. You know the one. You don’t know or remember my name, I don’t have the right school sticker on my car, I’m looking around for the bathrooms because my preschooler didn’t go before we left home and I’m actually playing WITH my kids because none of the other mommies will talk to me yet. Yep, that’s me at the playgroup, park and storytime.

I’m the New Mommy.

You see, I just moved here. I’ve got kids like you. I stay-at-home (or sometimes work at home) like you. My husband works hard like yours. And like you, I like to keep my children engaged in activities. It’s good for them and it’s good for me too. I like to talk with other adults and like you, I feel like mommy to mommy conversation is important. I have friends – great friends – that think I’m funny and serious and organized and quirky and come to me for advice and help and girl time. The only difference between your friends and mine is that my friends happen to live far away. I have family too. My kid’s grandparents love to come to their games, school events, buy their fundraisers, and cheer them on. It’s just that they only get to do it once in a while because they live far away too.

And like you, I have mommy joys and successes. Sometimes I burn dinner. Sometimes I’m too tired to cook. Sometimes it’s a stellar week and I’ve planned ahead and every meal is wonderful and on the table when hubby gets home. I help with homework. I forget to sign the paper. I have extra snacks. The wipes ran out in the diaper bag. I take my kids to church, but sometimes their loud because I don’t know where the nursery is or what is “acceptable” for children’s behavior in YOUR church.

I’m the New Mommy.

When you see me, please don’t look at me that way. I know your curious. So am I. And most likely, I’m desperate for new mommy friends. You see, since moving here, I’ve been in the house all summer/month/week with children of various ages. We don’t go anywhere because, well, I don’t know where anything is. That and I’m probably still trying to get stuff organized, doctors found, records transferred, pantry stocked and life as we knew it re-ordered.

I’m the New Mommy.

When you see me, instead of watching and pointing me out to the other mommies you talk to regularly, please talk to me too. I don’t bite. I’m nervous and scared and thinking about stupid stuff like “I hope my kids and I aren’t too under/over dressed.” I don’t know what is normal for this activity that I found because I called and asked. No mommy referred me or invited me. I sort of invited myself.

Next time you see me, please introduce your children to mine. Please introduce me to your other mommy friends. We don’t have to be BFF’s (although we never know where a new friendship may end up), but at least talk to me and make me feel welcome. Give me a quick run-down of how the activity works; “Come on in! We are just gathering for some free play. After about 10 minutes, Betty is going to lead our activity time with a story and craft. Then Sally brought snacks to share. We do nut free snacks, so I hope your kids like cheese and grapes! And while the kids are having fun, we mommies sometimes stick in the back and enjoy tea and cookies.”

Ask me about how I’m getting settled into the town. Tell me about fun things in the community for families. DON’T tell me what doctors/schools/churches/parks/etc. to stay away from. Chances are, I may already have experiences there that have been positive because I didn’t know any different when choosing location and or service providers. Invite me back. Write down my name so that you can look me up on Facebook later and learn more about me.

When I’m at school with my kids, who are also new and uncertain and need friends, offer your PTA agenda to me because I didn’t know where to grab one and am totally lost. Talk to me afterward and explain how the fundraiser they just mentioned usually works – is the stuff good? Our children have met each other, so when you get home, please encourage your child to say hello to mine when at school. They don’t have to be BFF’s, but my kids could really use the boost of a friendly face in the hall or on the bus.

I’m the New Mommy.

I have a million questions, but don’t want to sound needy or desperate or… so please be patient with me. Tell me what you would want to know if you were the new mommy. But remember, sometimes, I just want to chat about life stuff. If my kids are attached to my side, know that they aren’t ALWAYS this way. They are new, scared, nervous and uncertain too. Be patient with them as well.

After a few times of meeting me, invite me – just me – out for coffee. Get to know me. Ask my hubby and I out to dinner or something, but please be understanding if we can’t go (and don’t ask why). We probably don’t have a babysitter we trust. We may have no extra money – moving can be expensive. We may just be tired.

And remember, I may talk a little different, but we really do have more in common that you may think. We both need adult friendships. We both are trying to do right by our kids. Most importantly, we love our families.

As you see me, my children, my family, think about how you look at me and interact with me. I never thought I’d be here and you may be in the same place someday. Someday, you may be saying…

I’m the New Mommy.

Kris recently moved to North Carolina with her husband and 4 children. Visit her blog at www.krismares.wordpress.com to learn more about her family, the move and life as the New Mommy.

A Dad's Point-of-View: Would Your Trade Your Life?

Would You Trade Your Life?

Haven’t we all at one time or another said something like, “Boy, I’d sure like to trade my life for his or hers!” Sometimes it’s about someone we know personally but often it’s about a “famous” person who we think we know. My assertion is that when we really think about it, we wouldn’t trade our lives with anyone!

There’s a caveat to this assertion, naturally, which is simply health-related and extreme poverty related. If someone were seriously sick, especially with a debilitating illness, changing lives would be nice. If someone were starving to death in a corrupt nation, yes changing lives would also be a good thing. But, for the average American or citizen of a free country without extreme poverty or corruption, this idea about not switching lives may apply and at least provoke some reflection.

Everyone has troubles, problems, and challenges. Just read the autobiography or biographies of anyone famous and you realize how fame and fortune rarely brings happiness. My favorite music stars are Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley. Both had decidedly different but equally troubling lives.

For “The Chairman of the Board” as Sinatra was often called, there were severe career ups and downs, multiple marriages, and hurtful snubs due to his associations, the most notable being between him and JFK. He had a tempestuous marriage and relationship with Ava Gardner, married a young starlet (Mia Farrow), and ultimately did find love late in his life when he married Barbara. But, to say his life was easy and carefree is to not remember that time before he got the career-saving role in “From Here to Eternity.”

Elvis Presley, “The King” as he was often called, came from extremely humble circumstances but achieved unparalleled success at a very young age. He retained his humility, and his love of family and God, but allowed his career and personal ambitions to be run by his manager, Colonel Tom Parker. His only marriage ended badly due to his infidelities and he descended into an exile of sorts, due to his fame. He was surrounded by his own entourage, maybe the first such group of friends, almost a prisoner in his own home. In the end, no one had the wisdom to help him take care of his health, his weight, and his drug dependence, and he died at age 42 suffocating in his own vomit.

JFK was assassinated in his forties, George Gershwin died in his thirties, Beethoven became deaf, FDR was crippled, and Van Gogh cut off his own ear due to his mental illness. James Dean crashed his Porsche and died at age 24, after only the first of his three movies had been released! Buddy Holly also died in his early twenties, in a plane crash. Beverly Sills’ only daughter was deaf and could never hear her mother sing.

Would you trade your life with ANY of these famous people? How about Lindsay Lohan or Brittney Spears if you’re a young teen girl? For young guys hoping for a singing career, would you have liked to be Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, John Lennon, or Michael Jackson?

So you’re thinking that you don’t relate to these famous people but would just like to have the life of your cousin, who is a successful doctor. Do you really know about his life? Do you know about the pressures he faces with his malpractice insurance and the changing health-care scene? Do you know about the time he spent in re-hap or the addiction his teen son has kept secret from his parents? Would you like to take the insulin shots he needs, but has covered up, to control his diabetes? Do you get the picture?

Our kids invariably will compare their lives to their friends and acquaintances. They want to trade what they think these people may have or more likely just have some of the things, materially, that they do have. My older son tells me that, “every kid that I know is getting a car.” When he said that, he was sincere. When I pressed him about specific friends, whose parents I knew either were not able or interested in presenting their darling 16-year-old with a new BMW, he backed off and talked about “kids he knew of.” That’s the point. Our kids often think things may be better for someone else. More often than not, it isn’t and our job as parents is not to get sucked into their naïve perceptions of others.

I know I wouldn’t trade my life for someone else’s life. I know I’ve had my full share of hardships, but I know my parents had much worse. I know that I’ve also had more than my full share of good fortune. I’ve survived a couple of accidents that could have left me dead or worse. I’ve survived financial ups and downs that still leave me gasping when I think about them. But, I’ve survived and life is good. I won’t trade with anyone. Except…maybe…

Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 100 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.



If you would like to contribute to the TMN blog as a guest writer, please email blogpost@themommiesnetwork.org

Emotionally Intelligent Potty Training

C’mon parents! Are you buying that Batman or Barbie underwear for your kids or for that aching need in your own heart to purge the Pamper? Admit it! You are over the diaper! But, “gasp”, what if your tinkling toddler isn’t?

The internet contains countless pleas from fraught parents wanting to potty train their toddlers. Timelines vary from a single day to a more leisurely schedule counting up to the first day of preschool. Aaarrgh! Can’t those preschools change a diaper? Why must kids be potty trained to enter? Don’t parents have enough pressure?!

I like to reach out to these parent predicaments with an emotional intelligence perspective that promotes peace and practical policy to the potty. Whoa, lots of p’s in that sentence. Now let’s get some “pee” out of your kid! Here is what I recently shared with a parent who asked on the internet for help.

But first my disclaimer! How any parent pursues potty training their child is their own choice. You have the right to accomplish it in a day (as some books promise) and to cover your child from head to toe with stickers. With respect for my readers, my purpose is not to tell you what to do, but to share ideas that you can pick and choose from. Most importantly, I am an advocate for emotional intelligence skills in children. Potty training is a huge milestone with an array of emotions, and I believe it can, and should, be accomplished with a child’s self esteem intact if not outwardly enhanced.

For reasons you’ll understand in # 3, I’ll use “he” for the remainder of this blog! No offense to the girls!

1. Many parents view potty training solely as a physical task and innocently forget their child’s deep feelings or emotions on the subject. The first step for your child to be emotionally intelligent is for him to be aware of his feelings. Parents are the perfect people to promote this awareness, and also promote the self management of those feelings (which is the second step). Allow for expression of feelings and be cautious about forcing or bribing your child to use the potty before he is emotionally or physically ready (more on this later). According to experts (including pediatrician T. Berry Brazleton), there are other strategies to try first.

2. Buy him a potty seat of his own. Take him to the store with you and let him pick out one he likes. If you need to stay within a budget, give him a choice of two or three and let him choose from those. This will help to get his emotional buy in and build his own excitement. A child of any age is more likely to work toward a goal if it he is involved in all its aspects as opposed to being instructed what to do. And while you’re shopping, let him choose his big boy underwear too. Let him know his opinion matters. With these steps you are also exposing your child to basic decision making skills and promoting this aspect of his independence.

3. Invite him in to the bathroom whenever you or your spouse use it. Take his potty in with you and ask him if he would like to try too. Whenever possible, allow him to make the choice instead of making him follow your command. This gives him ownership of his decisions, and potentially a sense of pride. Let him observe you and take his time to process those observations. Be prepared for a question about “size” if he notices that dad is bigger than him. This is normal and parents can simply point out that all of daddy’s body parts are bigger!

4. Many children have the emotion of fear when flushing because of the loud sound, but mostly because they are afraid of losing a part of themselves, especially when they see a formed “poop” exit their body! Some kids are so scared that they hold poops for days and spur on constipation. Of course common sense tells us to soothe our child’s fears. Remember however that it’s not what you say but how you say it. Soothe him and comfort his emotional health by soliciting his questions and lovingly alleviating his fears or other negative emotions. Sometimes it helps to point out that animals (including your own pets) also “poop” and that this is normal for all living creatures. A great book to read together is called “Everyone Poops”.

5. Encourage your child when he TRIES as well as when he succeeds. If he is successful in using the potty, congratulate him but be careful not to overdo the praise. And please do not scold! If for some reason his body is not able to cooperate with his efforts, you don’t want him to feel bad about it, or make him feel that he is disappointing mom, dad, or himself. A child’s confidence and self esteem must be built at this age, not dented by disappointments or indirect demoralization because he cannot pee or poop on command. Your child wants to be a “big kid” and is trying hard. Do not mistake any inability as a child’s defiance or a challenge to your parental authority. A toddler cannot necessarily articulate his emotions of frustration with himself or with external situations / people, so he will need your help. Ask him about his feelings, help him with labeling his feelings with words, and give him the necessary support. This is a fundamental approach that parents can use to build emotional intelligence in their kids.

6. As far as using stickers or other incentives, I’m wary because of what I mentioned above. A child has to be ready to perform a big task like bladder /bowel control. This readiness has to be both on a physical level and an emotional level. Not being able to “earn” a sticker because this readiness hasn’t developed, or because he regressed, just doesn’t seem fair. Loving encouragement, heartfelt congratulations, nurturing hugs, and patience are the best gifts a parent can give a child who is working hard to gain physical control and emotional independence.

If you are planning to or are currently potty training consider giving yourselves plenty of time before preschool deadlines and be ready for accidents or even full regression. This can be triggered by a new baby, preschool trauma, major household changes, or by something as simple as a strenuous day, fatigue, or deep sleep. Solicit your child’s emotions, and assure and comfort him if this happens. Realize that some kids will accommodate teachers at school but not parents at home. Rest assured that your child will not be in diapers when they are 20 and that this moment in time shall pass. No pun intended!

Reader comments are cherished. Please share yours in our comments section.

Keyuri Joshi RN, MSN, is a Certified Parenting and Emotional Intelligence Coach. A "personal trainer" for parents, Keyuri assists moms or dads build and use a toolbox to achieve any goals they desire. She also teaches parents to build emotional and social intelligence skills in children. These are research proven "must have" skills which schools do not teach. Keyuri offers all parents a complimentary consultation and can be reached through her website, www.ontheballparent.com

Is that My Angel?

We were getting ready for work and daycare this morning when our phone rang. It was 6:32 am. I said hello and heard my dad’s voice. “Sorry to call so early, but we have some news. Your grandmother (on my mother’s side) passed away around 2:30 am.” Tears started to run down my checks as my husband and two children looked on helplessly, wondering what was wrong. My husband quickly figured out what had happened, but my soon to be four year-old was still in the dark, finishing his Nutra-Grain cereal bar and apple juice. 

My grandmother’s courageous battle with Alzheimer’s had ended peacefully at 2:30 am this morning. While there is comfort in knowing her suffering has stopped, there is still a sense of sadness. I truly feel older today. It is as if the magical part of my childhood has disappeared. 

I hung up the phone with my dad and promised to check-in later so we could book flights home for the wake and funeral. Tyler wanted to know what was wrong. I looked at Todd and wondered how I was going to explain this to him? 

Tyler doesn’t remember meeting my grandmother (we live 800 miles away from most of our family). I took him to visit her in the nursing home when he was three months old. She still remembered me then, but didn’t recall that I was married and had a baby. That didn’t stop her from holding Tyler, cuddling with him and telling him what a nice baby he was. In fact, she was delighted by the fact that she had another great grandchild. I stood by dutifully taking pictures so that my son would be reminded of the day he met my grandmother – a woman who has had a great influence on my life.

I stood my son, still wearing his Lightening McQueen pajamas, on my bed so we could be eye to eye.  I hugged him and said, “You know how you have a grandma?” He said, “yeah?” I put my hand to my heart and said, “Well, I have a grandma too.” I took a deep breath, looked at Todd for reassurance and continued. “Today my grandma became an angel. She went up to the clouds and is living with Jesus in heaven” He looked at me with his beautiful brown eyes and the innocence I love and said,” Does this mean she is bowling with the other angels when it thunders?” I convinced myself to keep it together for a few more minutes. “Yes, she will be bowling when it thunders.” His next question, “Can she see me?” That one was easy. “Yes, she is looking at us right now and is smiling.”

As we walked down the stairs, hand-in-hand, Tyler asked if he could see a picture of her. I grabbed the scrapbook I made for him, documenting his first year and quickly turned to the page with the picture of my smiling grand ma holding my smiling baby. His eyes grew brighter as he touched the picture. Then he looked up at me and said, “Is that my angel?” I let out a muffled “yes,” and tried to compose myself. I was starting to realize that he was really going to know my grandmother, just in a different way then I knew her. 

My sadness was lessening a bit. “Are you going to be okay Mommy?” My answer was easy, “I will be okay now.”

Jennifer Howe lives in Huntersville, NC with her husband, Todd, and two children, Tyler (3 ½ ) and Molly (6 months). She is a member of LakeNormanMommies and is the Director of Communications at a local independent school in Charlotte, NC.

Please email blogpost@themommiesnetwork.org if you'd like to be a guest writer on our blog!

The Mommies Network Supports A Mother’s Right To Choose How Best To Feed Their Child

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The Mommies Network Supports A Mother’s Right To Choose How Best To Feed Their Child

Contact: Margie Gilbert, Promotions Director, TheMommiesNetwork.com
Email: Margie@themommiesnetwork.org
URL: http://www.themommiesnetwork.org and http://www.triadmommies.com

Greensboro, North Carolina – A mother is told not to openly breastfeed her child during a TriadMommies.com event.

On Monday, September 6, 2010, the mother of a three month old arrived at a Greensboro coffee shop for a TriadMommies.com event, only to be told by one of the owners that if she chose to breastfeed, she needed to be covered with a towel. The mother, who was not nursing at the time, discussed the situation with the owner, then left the shop voluntarily. This controversial conversation was reported locally by WGHP, and the story ran on national media outlets, including cnn.com, latimes.com and orlandosentinal.com. The owners of the coffee shop have since apologized for the incident.

The Mommies Network (TMN) fully supports a mother’s right to choose the best method for feeding her child, whether the mother chooses open or covered breastfeeding, bottle-feeding or a combination of methods. We are pleased to see that the coffee shop has implemented changes as a result of this situation to make their establishment a friendly place for breastfeeding mothers.

TMN is a 501c(3) non-profit organization founded in April 2005, and we have over 100 communities in 32 states and over 25,000 active members. Part of TMN’s mission is to help all moms find support and friendship in their local community. We welcome all mothers, regardless of their background, station in life, viewpoints or status. All mothers need local support, and TMN provides a way for mothers to connect for friendship, support and fun.

TriadMommies.com, one of over 100 communities owned and managed by The Mommies Network, is a free community for moms in Guilford and Forsyth Counties in North Carolina. If you have any questions, please visit http://www.themommiesnetwork.org, http://www.triadmommies.com or contact Margie Gilbert at Margie@themommiesnetwork.org

Food Wars

Food Wars

It's no secret that there's a battle raging in our house.

On one side is a Mommy who valiantly and bravely faces tantrums, hunger strikes and outright defiance in her efforts to get one little boy to eat healthy food.

On the other side is a stubborn four-year-old with a taste for over-processed chicken nuggets and powder cheese snacks and pastas.

Constantly gathering intel, I've come across several articles with tips to help your child eat healthier.  The problem is, I'm doing everything on those lists!

Case in point.  I recently read the seven strategies to teach your children about real food on planetearth.com.

Tip #1: Grow a garden.  The theory behind this is that when your child recognizes, grows, sees healthy food, they'll be more likely to eat healthy food.

Yeah.  Right.  So why is it a battle to get my child to eat tomatoes, zucchini, paddy pans, green beans, spinach, lettuce and any number of things we grow?  The only things he'll eat are peas and carrots and only straight from the garden.  If I bring them inside and put them on a plate they suddenly become "disgusting".

Tip #2: Take a trip to the farm where your child can see how food is grown.

Yep.  Been there, done that.  And it's why Joseph no longer eats eggs.  He thinks that there are baby chicks inside each egg.

Tip #3:  Teach them to cook.  As you all know, Joseph is my little sous chef.  In theory, this would mean that he'd help me eat all the lovely stir frys and pastas that we create.  In reality, he loves to cook and then spends all his time picking everything remotely green off his plate.

Tip #4:  Encourage them to eat their veggies.  Oh.  Is that what's it called?  Encouragement?  I've done everything from singing "Party in my Tummy" to ignoring his avoidance to telling horror stories to explaining how big and strong he'll grow from eating his veggies.  At one point, my lovely son looked at me and said, "Then I want to be little."

Tip #5:  Be a role model.  Chad and I eat our veggies.  Every time.  We even talk about how delicious they are.  But he's on to us.

Tip #6:  Teach them to read labels.  Well, he can't read, but I have managed to instill a fear of HFCS.  Maybe that's a baby step?

Tip #7:  Let them help you shop.  Is this woman a mother?  Does she not realize that taking two children shopping with you should be deemed illegal under anti-torture regulations?  Has she ever walked an entire store with a little boy saying, "Can I have...." even when we're walking past charcoal briquettes?  Has she ever had a baby in the cart tossing all the contents of her purse onto the ground?  Has she ever tried to read nutritional information, attach a coupon and compare prices while the man behind the butcher's counter ask if her son's been tested for ADHD?

For the record, I have taken my children shopping.  And Joseph still doesn't eat his veggies.

I'll keep searching.  And trying.  And one day, as God is my witness, I'll prevail.

*Cue Gone with the Wind orchestration*


Mandy Dawson is a wife and mother of two living on the beautiful Central Coast of California.  While she's not scanning the internet for the Rosetta Stone of Children's Eating Habits, she can be found blogging at http://inmandyland.blogspot.com.


If you would like to be a guest writer for The Mommies Network's blog, please email blogpost@themommiesnetwork.org

Real Housewives

We don’t have cable.  In fact, no one in our family in this state has cable.  And on those occasions when we do watch The Tube, it’s always some sort of sitcom or maybe a forensic-anthropologist-and-FBI-agent-crime fighting drama.  But not so long ago, while staying in a hotel, I got sucked into one of those daytime Real Housewives marathons.  Oh boy.

First of all, who in the world came up with the name of this show?  From what I saw, not a single woman was “real.”  One woman was having plastic surgery as part of the show.  There were weaves being pulled by acryliced  fingernails.  Hair dyed.  Hair bleached.  Ridiculously drawn on eyebrows.  The number of faux tans made me wonder if the tv needed the color adjusted because everyone looked like an Oompa Loompa castoff.  No, real is not the first thought to come to mind.

Then there’s the “Housewives” part of the title.  They have maids and nannies to care for their households, and some aren’t even married.  It seems to me that part of the definition of being a wife is to be married to someone… anyone.  From my short, highly edited glimpse into these lives I gather that they shop a lot, spend an inordinate amount of time grooming or being groomed, and drink wine while gossiping about each other and planning parties.

I get it.  Sensation sells.  You can’t have a storyline without conflict and resolution.  As far as entertainment goes, reality shows are among the lowest forms.  But as a true housewife, a homemaker if you please, I take offense at the title and the ludicrous portrayal.  SAHM, WAHM, MOTC… we should all be offended.

So why isn’t there a Real Housewives of the Piedmont Triad?  I’ll tell you.

My day began around 4:30 this morning when the 00toddler climbed into bed with us.  The next 3 hours were spent in a battle to maintain my place in our king sized bed with enough blanket to keep away hypothermia, all while nudging two snoring males and removing random limbs from my face.  Then it was time for the noisy neighbor kids from down the block to rustle me from the bedroom with their unbelievable decibel levels.

Then my schedule followed a typical Thursday plan: work on homemade gift for some upcoming birthday/fundraiser/holiday; make breakfast; clean up said breakfast while assisting with the Thomas the Train puzzle; check emails, facebook, and TMN forums to make sure I am still alive; coloring with 00toddler, reading with 00toddler, making lunch for 00toddler, missing a play date with 00friend because 00hubs has the car today; baking a cake for a friend; baking breakfast bars; wrestling 00toddler for a nap; snack time for 00toddler; fit in a shower somewhere; plan and prepare dinner for the family; scrub a toilet or dust a shelf; more puzzles; more books; answer “What happened to triceratops?” for the millionth time only to be told “No, triceratops go to Costco.”  Then there’s a family bike ride or walk, swinging and maybe a game.  More books, more puzzles, probably and elephant parade through the house.  Then it’s bedtime with prayers, one more book, and some snuggles.  On a good day I might balance the checkbook, too.

Not once did I call a friend to discuss the financial struggles of another.  I did not look up police records of anyone.  I did not consult a psychic, medium, or spiritual guru.  I didn’t get my teeth whitened or involve 00teenager in my conflicts with others.  Are there people around here that I don’t like?  Probably.  Am I going to waste my time acting like a teenager because of that for other people’s entertainment?  Um, no.

So the short answer to the question is simple.  For the real housewives out there, our lives are just too boring for television.  And for that, I am eternally grateful.

 

Ashley is the lucky mommy of the 00family and part of the TriadMommies community.  She lacks the time management skills and cooperative two-year-old to properly maintain a regular blog, but you can see what she's crafting at craftalong.blogspot.com.

If you would like to contribute as a guest writer, please email blogpost@themommiesnetwork.org

"Miss Scarlett - I don't know know nothin' about birthin' no babies"

One in four women do not feel adequately informed by their gynecologist, and almost half don’t take part in prenatal classes*.  These women don’t realize the risk of being unaware about medical consumerism and what impact that can make on their pregnancy, labor and delivery. In a day where elective procedures such as unnecessary ultrasound and scheduling inductions and cesarean sections for patients’ or doctors’ schedule confl icts, it’s no wonder the CDC reports our Caesarean section rate currently at 31.8% in the United States**.

 

Doctors are educated and trained to know how birth works and we value them to handle emergencies. Yet with a healthy pregnancy, labor and delivery, their input should only be to complement us, not do it for us.

 

Women today are doing it all. We run companies, we own companies, we work construction, we run for President. We buy stocks, we sell stocks, we buy houses, we sell houses. We have proven ourselves capable of all this, yet we have taken a step back in our own health management - and that of our baby’s.  We put so much time and effort into researching options and gas mileage when we are in the market for a new car but we don’t make educated decisions about our births.

 

We are made to birth our babies.  Women are strong and can make healthy choices to give their babies the best start to their lives. Get informed. Be proactive. Your future generation depends on it.  

 

 

 

Jeanette Albright lives in La Salle with her husband Aaron and three naturally birthed children. She is a SAHM, a “retired” structural engineer, an affiliated natural childbirth teacher of The Bradley Method and the writer of Childbirth & Beyond…Naturally for BlogsMonroe.  For more of Jeanette’s writing or contact information, visit www.blogsmonroe.com/childbirth.  Jeanette is also the Site Administer for ToledoAreaMommies.

 

*Plataforma SINC

** National Vital Statistics  Reports Volume 57, Number 12

 

 

 

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A Dad's Point of View: There Are No Perfect Friends

I remember that one of my mother’s many sayings, when I was growing up, related to friends and went something like, “If you want perfect friends, you won’t have any.”  This was often in response to my irritation at what a particular friend had done.  Later, more often than not, if my mom asked me if that particular thing my friend had done was resolved, I’d have forgotten what it was altogether.
As with so many things our parents say to us, their advice often goes unheeded but comes back later in life to haunt us because of their truth. We could have saved ourselves much pain and embarrassment had we paid heed originally.  My mom is probably laughing, somewhere high above, since her death two years ago, at the “fun” I’m living with thanks to my two teenagers.  As she may have said, “What goes around comes around.”

My older teen basically has perfected the art of seemingly paying attention to me while singing in his head his latest favorite song.  My younger one has just learned that talking back is the expected thing to do upon entering your teens, now that he’s a firm 13½. He not only talks back but also questions just about  everything I ask of him. 

If I could speak to her today, I would say, “Mom, I’m sorry for all those times I talked back and all those times I disregarded your wisdom that had come from your considerable life experiences.  Is there any way I can turn back the clock and make it all up to you so my kids don’t have to learn the same, hard way that I did?” And to my dad, I’d say, “Dad, why didn’t you tell me more forcibly that Mom was always right?  Why did you just have that funny ‘you’ll see’ smile and keep your mouth shut while always saying, ‘yes dear’?”
But enough of the self-recrimination and feeling sorry for myself.  It’s just one of those ironies of life that my boys are repeating in so many ways the same mistakes my mother so diligently tried to protect me from, especially in regards to friends.
My mother had so many friends and I just didn’t learn nearly enough from watching her interactions with them.  She rarely talked about herself, but instead always seemed more interested in what her friends had to say or complain about.  If a friend was in any sort of need, she was there.  Her patience with those friends who didn’t reciprocate was monumental in my view, as a child growing up.  But, she kept most of her friends for a lifetime. 

I didn’t follow her example and sadly, I’ve lost some good friends along the way when I allowed hurt feelings or a long forgotten irritation of some sort to de-rail the friendship.  Fortunately, I finally did learn what my mother so wisely explained, that there are no perfect friends.  We’re all fallible human beings and to have much in the way of expectations of those we care about is sometimes just setting the stage for disappointment.

Another wise cliché is that we don’t choose our relatives, but we do choose our friends.  Therefore, their loyalty is undoubtedly sincere if these friendships have been worked on and maintained over time.  Yes, life circumstances may change, but memories and comfort with each other may not.  I’ve found that in some cases, the changes in our lives were too much for the friendship to survive while in the case of my best friend since 10^th grade, those changes didn’t seem to matter.

For my best friend and me, our lives went in significantly different directions after college in almost every area one can think of.  He got married young at 23; I stayed single until I was 39.  He had three children before I even married. He chose a conventional career; I chose showbiz.  He moved to the suburbs; I stayed in the city. He celebrated his 25^th wedding anniversary while I celebrated my 50^th birthday with divorce papers. He recently moved out-of-state; I’ve stayed put. The examples abound between us. 
But, the connection we made in high school and college was true and deep. We used to think of ourselves as “Frick and Frack.”  I was the crazy one; he was the levelheaded one.  Those differences worked for us as I encouraged risk-taking in him, while he got me to back away from bungee jumping from that helicopter.  It was a good balance. 
Nonetheless, my mom’s advice regularly came to me about not expecting perfection from him. He is lousy with returning phones calls, exchanging lengthy e-mails, getting together often as our lives got busier, and other things that disappointed me. My choice, as my mother would’ve said, is to not have him as my friend due to these failed expectations and wishes of mine, or to accept him for who he is, not who I wish he were.
That is the lesson I’m trying to teach my boys regarding their friends.  Will they learn from my failures in this regard and have a lifelong “best friend” as I still do or will they lose some great friends along the path of life, as I also did?  My guess is that they’ll do both--just as I did--and have to learn most of these lessons themselves in spite of my best efforts to save them the pain of going through this process. 

Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream.  For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 100 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.



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