Firsts & Lasts

To my darling not-so-much-a-baby-anymore,

I can not believe you are no longer a "baby". It rocks my world you've now graced this planet for a full turn around the sun. How much you have grown, how much has changed, as I sit there, watching you throw hamburger bits on to the floor and laughing, look at me with pure mischievous delight.

I think back to how tiny you were, each perfect detail carved out of rosy down skin, as I scrub your hands for the fourth time this day, after catching you playing in the toilet your older brothers forgot to flush, in the bathroom where your older brothers forgot to shut the door... again.

I think of those tiny outfits you wore when you first arrived, how preciously small they were, and how they make great rags now to wipe your face from the peas and carrots you mashed into your nostrils and ears instead of your mouth.

I think back to our first few months together and while I really miss how you used to curl up on top of me like a kitten and sleep the day away, I thank BOB you have now learned the difference between day and night, and actually sleep pretty damn well.

THANK YOU!

I watch you as the months go by and note your progress to keep up with your brothers: how first you watched them as they played. Then started rolling and squirming for that ball they held *just out of reach*. How you learned to army crawl towards any mini lego accidentally left on the floor with ferocious intent. How you sat up, and learned to throw a ball, then to throw a ball at your brother. Next we will work on teaching you how to throw to your brothers, not at their heads. And how now, you can crawl faster than your brothers can walk, and you can finally beat them many times to the toys they are heading towards, and piss them off as you chew on it with delight. Soon, you'll be walking, and I can only imagine the new adventures you will be on, and I have a good idea that I will be granted quite a few new gray hairs in the upcoming months.

You've done a lot of growing, a lot of changing, and you still have quite a ways to go, dear Soren. But I'll be watching every minute of it, and while it's bittersweet to watch my youngest, my last take those final toddling steps out of babydom and into toddlerhood, I hope you know your Mommy is *VERY* proud of you.

I love you Love bug. Happy First Birthday.

Brittany (Rhaven) is a member of trianglemommies.com. If you liked this blog, please check out her personal blog at http://suburbanrebelmom.blogspot.com/

A Dad's Point of View: “Summertime Blues”

Do you remember that great Eddie Cochran song, “Summertime Blues” from the fifties? Originally a single B-side, it peaked at #8 on the Billboard Hot 100 on September 29, 1958.  Cochran died at the tender age of 21 in a taxi accident in England. The song is ranked #73 in Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Songs of All Time.  But, enough of the music history lesson as it’s another summer and another 10 weeks wondering what the boys will be doing, as well as the family as a whole. 

Each summer poses unique challenges for parents and kids. This summer is no different for my family as we’re moving sometime just before school starts in the fall.  Everyone knows about the joys of moving and we’re happy with the new house that we think we have. The deal is yet to close, as of this writing, but it’s looking good.  The prospect of moving again, just two years after our last move, isn’t a likely highlight of this summer.  We have some minor work to do on the new house, though my experience is it’s never “minor.” 

My younger son, Aaron, goes to summer camp each year and absolutely loves it.  He’s developed summer friends that he stays in touch with all year long but only sees during each summer’s four-week camp session.  They’re growing up together, it seems, summer after summer.  So, for him, that will be the highlight of his summer, plus he loves sleeping and staying up late without the burden of school.

Will, my older son, however, has faced an unexpected change of plans for his summer.  Responding to an advertisement on the job bulletin board at his high school, he applied and got a job at a to-be-opened (national) fast food franchise.  He went through the whole process of job interview, acceptance, video, and even buying his “uniform,” per their instructions.


His start date was constantly postponed and, needless to say, he began to worry and I began to get suspicious.  Five of his fellow high-schoolers were all hired at the same time. Will soon heard that one of them, a good friend of his, got a “you’re fired” letter that contained no reasonable explanation for the dismissal.  As a result, my son visited their new location and asked both the owner and manager what was going on.  He was also told that he was fired, too.

This devastated my son who, at 16, was seeking more financial independence and had planned his summer around this promised job.  Now, in a funk, he will have to re-group and see if at this late date, in June, there are any summer jobs still available for teens.  It’s a life lesson, but one I’d preferred he learned a bit later in his young life and certainly after he’d gotten some job experience under his belt.

I’ve written to the franchise headquarters twice and haven’t gotten the courtesy of a reply.  I’ve also written our local paper, hoping they’ll publish my letter telling the story about how this new franchise so poorly treated our local kids. 


I’d like the kids that were hired to actually organize a picket of this particular franchise, as it may teach them a lesson in peaceful protesting. It could also possibly get the attention of the parent company to make this right, in the form of some compensation for the lost summer wages as well as having the new franchise owners maybe apologize for such shoddy treatment of our local kids, especially after soliciting them directly.  We’ll see if my son gets over his funk and chooses to fight back.  I hope he does. 


Each summer, for all my boys’ lives, we’ve taken a summer trip of some kind.  This may be the first summer we don’t--at least not as a whole family.  My wife will likely go to visit her family since an uncle and his wife are having a 50^th Wedding Anniversary celebration shortly after he’s recently had to have his leg amputated from an infection.  Life always has its moments--the bright ones and the scary ones.  My wife wants to celebrate this bright occasion and will likely bring our younger son with her on a short weekend trip, while my older son and I continue to deal with the move and refurbishing of the new house.

I plan to continue working on getting my radio show as good as possible and hopefully secure some sponsors, which means knocking on doors and putting on my sales hat yet again.  It’s been a long time since I’ve done that, though I wore that hat for many years, in one capacity or another, during my showbiz career.


So, in the inimitable words of the late Eddie Cochran, “Sometimes I wonder what I'm a gonna do, but there ain't no cure for the summertime blues.”


Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream.  For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.


 

The Next Person Who Says My Daughter Is Flirting With Him Will Be Punched

We are out dinner. (I’m on a cooking hiatus. Ask my empty refrigerator.) Next to our table is a trendy woman who is at least seventy (honestly, the entire restaurant is pushing seventy. It’s 5:30 p.m. in a Greek restaurant. Everyone outside is still digesting LUNCH.) She’s fashionable and wrinkly, which I admire.


Until we leave, and she says to my one-year-old daughter: You’ve been flirting with my husband all night.


Why is this an appropriate comment? I HATE IT!

My daughter smiles at EVERYONE. I’m pretty sure the dude in the shiny shirt and blingin’ gold chains got as many looks as your husband. And also the fork that she spent a good five minutes chatting with.

But I just keep walking. (I already got in a fight with a blue pickup truck this week. The sign clearly says: RIGHT LANE CLOSED. But he and fifteen other jerks keep going in the left lane until OH WOW I HAVE TO MERGE. LET’S ALL TAKE TURNS. Um, no. I’ve been waiting here for fifteen extra minutes because the cars in front of me are letting your friends cheat their way into the line. So like any good, grumpy, used-to-have-road-rage, driver, I ride the bumper of the car in front of me. And when the blue truck begins its ascent into my lane, I honk and gesture. Wildly. To the point that he stops. I go on. And the white van behind me? Spends a full minute reenacting the scene and laughing. I’m pretty sure that they were impressed with my moxie. Or afraid for my children. Who are like: WHY DID YOU HONK YOUR HORN? I patiently explained why. And my son said: You shouldn’t do that Mama. You should be happy. {Sigh} But it felt SO GOOD, sweetie!)

Yes, the old lady with giant dentures (seriously.) meant: YOUR DAUGHTER IS ADORABLE.

But the idea that it is somehow cute for my daughter to flirt with your husband now, but in seventeen years, you’d march over to my table and cuss her out for being a hussy seems like, I don’t know, A MIXED MESSAGE?

And the idea of my child making eyes at any grownup and especially at your SEVENTY YEAR OLD MAN is gross. YOU can make eyes at him. THAT’S AWESOME. It gives me HOPE. But my small child? That makes me want to poke your eyeliner eyes out.


I’m not saying that children are asexual lumps of clay. I understand that they are exploring their bodies and minds on every level from very early on. But flirting? Have any idea what to DO with their bodies and body language? NO.


In fact, I think that it irritates me so much because it feels like YOU are sexualizing my children. They clearly aren’t flirting. Are you flirting? Creepy lady in the fabulous dress?

And why is waving and smiling considered flirting anyway? What does that teach us? Our children? Don’t smile? Be mean unless you want to get in my pants? You must WANT SOMETHING if you are friendly?

Maybe I am over-thinking it. Maybe it’s just SOMETHING PEOPLE SAY.

Great! Just say it to that other kid. Because my kids are not flirting with you. And I’m happy to show you just how much they aren’t flirting by gesturing wildly. And possibly honking. Your face.




--
This post is written by Alex Iwashyna, a happily married mom of two children with a BA in Political Philosophy and a Medical Degree.  She currently spends her days as a stay-at-home mom who writing poetry and blogs.  A much better plan than hers!  She blogs at Late Enough, hangs out on Facebook and tweets @L8enough but be prepared for baby poop and liberal bias

Are all the children all in bed? Now it's eight-o-clock.

Ah, sweet nightfall. The hour of repose. The blessed bedtime hour. I'm guessing that's when many stay-at-home moms get their second wind. The time to finish all the things that kept getting pushed aside because of the demands and needs of the little ones in their care. For me it's laundry. I can only fold laundry in absolute peace-and-quiet (i.e. no sounds from the children or husband). I like to pile the clothes on top of the bed, sit with my legs crossed, and watch TV, folding only during commercials. Sounds wonderful doesn't it? You'd be correct in assuming that never happens, and as a result, I am constantly behind on laundry duty. Maybe the truth is that, by the end of the day, I am left winded (as opposed to getting my second wind). I am out of breath, out of time, out of words...

Every night I sit in front of this smart laptop and think about how I can put a funny or insightful spin on what is usually a very chaotic day with the boys. Not every day is without control mind you, but as they say in the biz, "if it bleeds it leads," and in my house, if it's not bleeding, it's peeing, or pooping, or on fire. I like to fantasize that I am like Carrie from Sex and the City: hair down, Jimmy Choo's kicked aside, relaxed at the computer, and typing away at the next day's column. I like to write for fun, but I admit it is not my greatest talent. Neither is accessorising, so there is no world in which I could ever be mistaken for the fun-loving, drama-seeking, martini-drinking, fashion-forward New Yorker, Carrie Bradshaw. Regardless, here I am typing away at tomorrow's blog, Old Navy flats kicked off, tired but relaxed, and thinking it funny that my husband has been asleep in our three-year-old's room since 6:30. Bless his his heart, he works for a living too, you know.

My life can't quite compare to Carrie's; however, it is not without drama. Today Cavan (who will be two next month and is eager to use the big boy potty but sometimes misses) changed his own dirty diaper before I could get to him. There's really no telling how long he was in his crib standing in his own filth before I found him. I am really not a terrible mother, but finding my youngest in that condition really made me question my abilities. In my defense, it was naptime, and I thought all his chatter was regarding the books I left for him to read (lately he has taken to having books in his bed, and he'll cuddle with them as if they were stuffed animals). I gave him a bath and noted that it was another one for the books (or blog), and we spent the rest of naptime enjoying quality time together while his older brother slept.

Naptime and bedtime are sacred moments for us "at-homers". When else would we have the time to read, write, or study music? I can't even go to the restroom without someone following me. Right now, my youngest is asleep in his crib, my husband is asleep in Camden's bed, and Camden just came tip-toeing in the room to remind me he is still awake and that he needs something to eat. I am glad to see his sweet face, and I am all of a sudden very tired of this computer. It's not quite bedtime, and we are headed to bed to cuddle and read and watch toons 'til one of us falls asleep. Blog schmog.

 

 

 

 

Michelle Jarrell

www.michellejarrell.blogspot.com

Singer, wannabe writer, and mother of two beautiful, boucing-off-the-walls boys!

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Defending Dads!

I love to laugh, especially at imaginative and funny TV commercials. However lately, I’ve seen a disturbing trend in the ones that poke fun at men and fathers as if they were congenital dunces!  In fact, this actually worries me!

Okay… I get it!  Women, as statistical facts indicate, are the major decision makers in most households so these TV ads are aimed at women not necessarily to denigrate men, but to play on women’s emotions in hopes that they’ll slice the family savings account for products and services.  One has to wonder though, when the subliminal types of messages with their disparaging facial expressions, belittling body language or overt condescending language toward men become part of our everyday thinking.  Are women and girls being beguiled to disvalue boys and men?  I certainly hope not; because eventually these girls and boys will marry, and they must know how to respect and honor each other for their nuptials to have a chance, and to set a high-quality example for their own kids.
Over the last few decades, women’s roles have grown exponentially outside of the home yet they have also maintained their domestic role and maternal inclinations of child rearing.  For this they deserve immense respect.  In fairness to men, their growth also deserves respect.  I am pleased to see many movements where men embrace their vital role as parent, express detachment from their traditional role of “breadwinner” and share domestic responsibilities. So why, when so many men are trying so hard, is there a culture that mocks them?  Why do the TV media, extreme feminists, and Hollywood starlets purposely choosing single parenthood, perpetuating trends that advocate the “I don’t need a man mentality?  I’m all for the independence of any given individual but when it comes to rearing children, both a mother and a father are ideal.

 Research supports my belief that men, generally speaking, deserve to be respected (even if a woman can do their job) and fathers deserve to be heartily defended for their roles, which frankly, women cannot replicate!  

Psychologist John Gottman outlines research stating that even though mothers generally spent more time with kids than fathers, that the quality of interaction provided by fathers was a more powerful predictor of the child’s later success or failure with school and friends.   It was believed that fathers have this extreme influence on their children because their particular type of bonding evoked powerful emotions in kids.   It is important to note, however, that a physically present dad didn’t create this research finding, but that the emotionally present dad did!  So kudos to dads who choose to be present in this manner!

This is further supported by the following research based facts listed at the National Fatherhood Initiative.

• The National Center for Educational Statistics reported that when fathers are involved in their children's education, the kids were more likely to get A’s, enjoy school, and participate in extracurricular activities.
• Kids with engaged fathers demonstrate "a greater ability to take initiative and evidence self-control."
• When these boys grew up, they were more likely to be good dads themselves.

But when fathers are devalued, here's the result:

• Their children have a higher rate of asthma, headaches, anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems.
• Teenagers are at greater risk of alcohol, tobacco, and illicit drug use, and suicide
• Adolescent girls are 3 times more likely to engage in sexual relations by the time they turn 15 and 5 times more likely to become a teen mother.

Here’s more:  In 1996, Duncan, et. al. found that “For predicting a child’s self esteem, it is sustained contact with the father that matters for sons, but physical affection from fathers that matters for daughters.”


The list proving a father’s worth goes on and on so I felt it was important enough to write about.  And the timing seems right since Father’s Day is fast approaching.


In fairness to the moms (remember that I’m one too) you bet you matter by leaps and bounds!  But we have to realize it isn’t a race about who’s a better person or parent.  Each of us has a vital role to play in the lives of children and sometimes, circumstances create it so that a dad just can’t be present.  If your child’s dad is missing in action because of necessary travel, divorce, death, or simply detachment, then you are my hero for doing the job solo.  However, when Dad is around and doing his job, try not to let those derogatory TV commercials subtly get to you.   Value your children’s Dad and remember to thank him.  And know that your kids are watching your every move.  If you treat men respectfully, they will learn to do the same. 


Please don’t treat Dad like the babysitter with a list of instructional do’s and don’ts.  Allow his personality to shine in his own unique way.  You might just find that the man will surprise you when he’s allowed to think and act for himself.  After all, what’s more important?  A father feeling good about spending time with kids, or worrying about “mom” reaming him out because little tikes ears weren’t cleaned well enough?  Mom needs to be Dad’s partner, not his gatekeeper.

So on this upcoming Father’s Day, I’d like to thank not only my husband who is a fantastic Dad, but all the men, who give of themselves not just physically, but emotionally, to nurture their kids into happy, successful citizens of our world.  Good job Dads!  Keep up the great work!  Our future generations depend on it!

Reader comments are cherished.  Please share yours.


Keyuri Joshi RN, MSN, is a Certified Parenting and Emotional Intelligence Coach.  A "personal trainer" for parents, Keyuri assists moms or dads build and use a toolbox to achieve any goals they desire.  She also teaches parents to build emotional and social intelligence skills in children. These are research proven "must have" skills which schools do not teach.  Keyuri offers all parents a complimentary consultation and can be reached through her website, www.ontheballparent.com

A Dad's Point of View: Father’s Day, 2010

Father’s Day for me is now a melancholy experience.  I certainly appreciate the attention that I get from my two boys and my wife.  My younger son tends to make an artistic gift for me, since he’s the artist of the family, while my older one will scribble some sweet sentiments on a piece of scrap or notebook paper, and my wife will usually make me a glorious meal of my choosing.


While I appreciate all this love showered my way, I also get melancholy over the memory of my late father, who was a wonderful man.  I’ve written about him before, but I want to always keep his memory present in my mind and the minds of my boys.


Writing about my dad for his eulogy was not as difficult as some might think. My sentiments and praises came easy, just as being such a loving, good man seemed to come easy for him.  He was from that “Greatest Generation” though he didn’t serve in the armed forces during World War II, due to the military deferments because he had just had a son and his particular occupation was much needed on the home front.

The following statements are some highlights about my father, who died at 90 years of age, four years ago: 

• He never graduated from high school, but was maybe the wisest man I ever knew.
• He met my mother at a lake in Michigan when he was 17 and she was 14 and loved her at first sight.  They were married 66 years and he adored everything about her, all the time, all their lives.
• Dave Sallan was tough--he didn’t take Novocain at the dentist’s office since he didn’t like being numb for the hour or two afterward.
• He worked 60+ hour weeks just to make a basic living, working with his hands, and coming home often with bleeding sores that my mother would hastily bandage before he took his before-dinner nap.
• My father and mother had lunch together, EVERY day.
• My father and mother did not spend a single evening apart in their 66 years together unless one of them was in the hospital (which happened over a dozen times in their latter years).
• He never complained.

I could go on for several columns, but the picture of a quiet, strong, simple man is evident. 

There are so many wonderful quotations about fathers and I’d like to offer a few of my favorites:

• "I talk and talk and talk, and I haven't taught people in 50 years what my father taught by example in one week." ~Mario Cuomo
• "A king, realizing his incompetence, can either delegate or abdicate his duties. A father can do neither. If only sons could see the paradox, they would understand the dilemma." ~Marlene Dietrich
• "A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be." ~Unknown
• "Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a Dad." ~Anne Geddes
• "My father told me that all businessmen were sons-of-bitches, but I never believed him until now." ~John F. Kennedy
• "My father said, 'Politics asks the question: Is it expedient? Vanity asks: Is it popular? But conscience asks: Is it right?'" ~Dexter Scott King
• "When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'" ~Jerry Lewis
• "I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be." ~Abraham Lincoln
• "Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards." ~Robert Orben
• "A man's children and his garden both reflect the amount of weeding done during the growing season.” ~Unknown
• "A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty." ~Unknown
• "By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong." ~Charles Wadsworth
• My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard.  Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing up the grass."  "We're not raising grass," Dad would reply.  "We're raising boys." ~Harmon Killebrew
• When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.  But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.  ~Mark Twain
  

Happy Father’s Day everyone, and thanks for reading “A Dad’s Point-of-View.


There is going to be a Father’s Day “Special” on my “A Dad’s Point-of-View radio show on Thursday, June 17 on KZSB AM1290 at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST.  The topic will be “Your Dad (and Mine).”  Please send in short tributes to your dad to: bruce@brucesallan.com and I will read as many as time allows.  If you cannot listen to the show “live” on terrestrial radio or via the “live stream” on brucesallan.com or newspress.com, it will be repeated Thursday evening at 9:00 p.m., again Saturday at noon, and will be available to download or listen to on my web-site (brucesallan.com) in the “Radio Show” tab. 
Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream.  For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.

Cincinnati Area Moms!

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Spread the word to your mom friends! We hope to see you there!

For store address and more information visit www.iwanttobeatoysrusmom.com

A Dad's Point of View: What Happened to Shame?

Before I delve into the subject of “Shame,” I want to share some news of which I’m very unashamed and proud.  I have a new radio show called “The Bruce Sallan Show--A Dad’s Point-of-View,” which is inspired, if not actually based, on my columns.  It is broadcast on KZSB AM1290, The Santa Barbara News Press Radio Station, and can be heard “live” on Thursdays from 11:00 a.m. 12:00 p.m., PST with re-broadcasts each Thursday evening from 9:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m., PST and Saturdays from 12:00 p.m. - 1:00 p.m, PST.  The show is available to hear on the Internet anywhere in the world via “live streaming,” which is accessible on my web-site (brucesallan.com). Each show is archived, also on my web-site, for listening anytime, without commercials.

Right now, the format of the show is in five segments.  The first one features me introducing each show, giving the call-in and e-mail information, taking calls, and presenting each week’s topic.  What follows next are three segments, each with different guests, “The Men’s Room,” “Teen Rap,” and “Single Parent Seeking.” The last segment is me, again, wrapping up the show with a summary of what was discussed, more calls and e-mail, and a peek or tease about next week’s show.

It’s a fun and challenging new venue for my views on parenthood, marriage, teens, boys, gender issues, and all the other things I like to write about.  I hope that you’ll tune in sometime, listen to the archived shows, and call or e-mail if you’re particularly interested in a given show’s topic. 


Speaking of radio, the other day I was listening to a radio talk show that was quoting an article from the New York Post about the popular dresses for this year’s high school proms.  According to the article, callers, and talk-show host, the choices ranged from sleazy to stripper.  One caller said she went shopping with her daughter and they could find nothing that either would consider appropriate for her to wear.

A quote, in the article, came from a dress store owner in New York who described this year’s style choices as pretty much saran wrap or worse, as far as exposing the girls’ bodies. 
It brought to mind the extreme changes in societal attitudes regarding shame.  It no longer exists among much of our secular society.  We see regular examples of celebrities who skirt what used to be career-threatening episodes with little more than a slap on the wrist. In the case of an infamous hotel heiress, her “accidentally released” sex video actually propelled her to fame with her sordid behavior.

Some sports stars regularly get caught doing things that in the past might have caused ruin to their personal lives and careers, whether it is the use of drugs or infidelity.  Ironically, it seems that only gambling, as in the case of a well-known former baseball player who bet against his team, seems to cause some damage to a reputation.

For that matter, the whole notion of “reputation,” to many people, seems to have gone in the trash heap along with shame! There was a sixties song, called “My Boyfriend’s Back,” by the Angels, that had the lyric, “He’s gonna save my reputation.” Doesn’t that feel quaint in comparison to the lyrics of Lady Gaga or any of the hip-hop and rap artists today?


Let’s not even talk about our politicians.  The fact that some politicians can avoid resignation and shame when they are exposed in a scandal is in itself shameful.  They sometimes apologize, spouses by their sides, in a carefully choreographed, tearful, public display for the likely purpose of retaining their jobs.  The specific examples are too numerous to name as well as unnecessary.  I’d rather not add to the tabloid fame of these individuals who, more often than not, are famous for their infamy.

In old Hollywood, there were publicity people at all the studios whose primary job was to protect their charges, the actors, from themselves and their occasional lapses in what society viewed then as acceptable or unacceptable behavior--aka “shame.”  The gossip columnists of the time could ruin a career by exposing an infidelity or inappropriate behavior or comment by a star.


Now, it’s often the opposite as this behavior seems to be celebrated and often enhances careers.  Such exposure is often courted with shame not the result at all--instead, it may bring a reality show.

As a parent, I believe all this change in attitudes is dreadful and gives our children less heroes to emulate and encourages deeds that can be harmful and destructive.  The idea that middle-school girls will text around naked or partially naked photos of themselves is a perverse outgrowth of our current permissive society, especially in our bigger cities, less religious households, and generally more secular country.

Teenagers cannot self-regulate because that part of the brain is not developed yet, so they need external controls.  That is why having the concept of shame in society seems useful. But the challenge is how will that counteract street cred or the drive to differentiate yourself from your parent? As we become adults we develop the ability to look at the long-term consequences of our actions. Teens and children only live in the now.

I say this state-of-affairs stinks and that the idea of shame as a societal discouragement is a good thing.  It kept me from doing things I might have otherwise regretted, as it did the same for my childhood friends.  The loss of shame as a “consequence” in our society is a loss for the innocence of childhood and the responsibility of adulthood.

Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream.  For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.

I'd Be Much More Popular If I Could Stop Talking

We want to be COOL PARENTS. Not here-is-my-favorite-bong cool -- more like hipsters. Parents who dance, see the best movies, and dress in that trendy, age-appropriate spot between teenagers and people who are trapped in the nineties. (I wanted to say eighties, but those people are currently HIP. I can't WAIT to get back to giggling at their pinned jeans and big sweaters.)
This clearly will not happen through music. The best I can hope with my kids’ ipods is saying: Your favorite band is RAD. (But not actually using that word.)
So I’ve always thought that my cool would be through conversation. Knowing cool things to talk about. Like feminism. And the MAN. Throw in my naturally slang phrases like “You’re all up in my business!” and "It's all good.”
Except my oldest won’t actually let me talk.
My son has an imaginary friend. Except she’s not imaginary. She’s his best friend at preschool. I’ll call her Z.
Their greeting are full of HIGH FIVES and GET AWAY MAMAS! Their departures are Romeo and Juliet painful.
And SHE COMES OVER EVERYDAY. Except she doesn’t. She goes home after preschool and naps. E just pretends. FOR HOURS. So she's an imaginary unimaginary friend. Or an unimaginary imaginary friend.
Me: Whacha doing E?
E: MAMA! Stop talking. I’m talking to Z! {turns to empty space next to him and laughs with Z. AT ME.}
The following day, Z FINALLY goes home. It's my chance to bond with my son. Establish some COOL CRED.
Me: Do you want to play E?
E: No, I want to swing.
Me: Do you want me to push you?
E: No.
Me: Do you want to talk?
E: NO! I’M ALREADY TALKING MAMA. {turns to the large tree on his right and has long conversation involving swinging, laughter and a little rapping of Parents Just Don’t Understand}
Later that day, I am finally allowed on the swing. I don't even try to talk to him.
Me: We’re SWIIIIINGINGGGG!!
E: Don’t say that Mama. Stop saying SWING.
Me: You don’t like when I talk, do you?
E: No. {pause} I like when I TALK!
I’m already losing to an imaginary friend and a tree. By the time he’s a teenager, I’ll be full-on stuck in the 2000s blasting Lady Gaga in my minivan while getting passed by hover crafts.

E on his hover craft

I am so screwed.






--
This post is written by Alex Iwashyna, a happily married mom of two children with a BA in Political Philosophy and a Medical Degree.  She currently spends her days as a stay-at-home mom who writing poetry and blogs.  A much better plan than hers!  She blogs at Late Enough, hangs out on Facebook and tweets @L8enough but be prepared for baby poop and liberal bias

A Dad's Point of View: Were Your Father and Mother There For You?

This topic is so obvious yet I have yet to write about it. It may be partly because it is so close to home, for my boys.  I was blessed to have my mother and father in my life completely and lovingly, until they died in recent years (at 89 and 90).  They loved me, supported me, and told me the truth when I needed to hear it, whether I wanted it or not. 


As is so often the case, I found their wisdom to be true once I survived my teens and particularly when I became a parent myself.  They also modeled a love affair and marriage that was the envy of all their friends, since they knew each other for 73 years and were married for 66.  It was a wonderful match. They survived two of their three children, but always stood by each other and I am so grateful for all that they did for me.


I was lucky.  Too many people that I know didn’t have such a positive parenting influence.  Too many didn’t have both parents in their lives, causing incalculable emotional damage. 
Before I was married, I became a Big Brother to a little girl, who was being raised by her single mom (see my column, “Lessons of a Big Brother and Mentor” - http://bit.ly/BigMentor).  Her mother had had artificial insemination so there was no father in my “little sister’s” life--not a bad father, not a deadbeat one, nor even a dead one.  That hole could never be filled and it was a source of insecurity in her life.


I know other people that held on to whatever hurt feelings they had towards an absent or lousy parent well into their adulthood. Holding these angry emotions ultimately only hurts them. Was your father or mother there for you?  The impact that both parents have on our lives is incalculable.  And, how we react and what we do may define much of the rest of our lives.


Did you take the path of “letting it go” or, as many believe, did you forgive him or her?  Or, have you held onto your anger, allowing this anger to hurt your life every day and also hurt your own immediate family, because it does whether you think so or not?

I know my conclusion is obvious, but I will state it anyway and with conviction.  Get over it.  Let go.  Move on.  If this parent is no longer alive or you can’t contact him or her, write a letter and put it away.  Read it when you’re feeling that familiar anger.  Do not talk about this parent in disparaging ways to your family.  Get over it.  Let it go.  You will feel better and you will bring more joy to yourself and family.

My boys’ situation was one in which their mother abandoned them without much explanation whatsoever. It’s a long story, but they have not heard from nor seen her in over three years.
It’s been my job to help them through this journey.  I am grateful that I could provide the boys with the support they needed during these confusing years.  But, If you don’t have a strong, loving parent in your life, then you need to find that support elsewhere.  It may be a good same-gender friend, a clergy-person, or another relative.  But we all need support when dealing with such a large issue.

When I needed support, I found it through a men’s group. I urge you to read an older column of mine, “Do Men Have Strong Emotional Connections in Their Lives” (http://bit.ly/mensupport).  Men need men in their lives.  Trust me on this.  I can honestly say that the men in my groups, over an eight-year period, almost literally saved my life three times. 

First, they were there for me during the early dark days of my divorce, when my soon-to-be ex-wife occasionally took the boys and I’d be alone in what seemed a very empty and large house.  The men helped me to stay grounded and helped me to make good choices when my instincts and decision-making ability was nil. 


The second time they made a huge difference was during my courtship of my second wife and, frankly, ever since, as our marriage has had numerous challenges.  With the help of the men, I was encouraged to keep my “little boy” in check and attempt to actually behave like a grown-up, mature man, and loving husband. It hasn’t always been easy.

Finally, at a time in my life when I was very depressed and lost, in that I was drifting with little direction in my life and career, they helped me focus. They helped me “get over myself,” and indirectly put me in the direction of the writing that I’ve so heartily embraced and love in recent years--my second career.


I’ve sort of rambled with this topic--it’s a tough one for me and one that hits home. My conclusion is simple. If you are still carrying a pile full of hurt from a parent, whatever the circumstances, get some help, move on with your life, and let go. It may not be easy, but it will make your life better.








Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream.  For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.

From Boohoo to Woohoo! Teach Your Children Resiliency in 8 Easy Steps!

Coins have two sides that often represent choices. We might flip a coin to choose either pizza or tacos for dinner, or to decide who will be cleaning up after that dinner.  We often hear kids using the coin as a tool for decision making such as “heads I go first, tails you go first”.  But what happens when adults or kids need to make life’s harder choices?  I’m referring to the kinds that involve how we will respond to and process difficult situations and emotions.   Adults slave away at work to sometimes lose a lucrative business deal, or a child might train for weeks and fail to make the cut for an athletic team that they had their heart set on.  At these times, our personalities kick in and sometimes react in a way which doesn’t feel so good.  We react instead of responding and we’re often so emotionally distraught that flipping a coin doesn’t even occur to us.  When a coin can’t help us choose, the skill of resiliency very well might.  

Resilience helps us to recover effectively from life’s adversities.  It is a vital tool to have in our arsenal of staying strong and seeing the optimism in even the most difficult of situations.   Unfortunately, we can’t find resilience on the roadside like we might find a coin. We have to develop it and build it in our children.  Any parent wants their child to be able to “handle” life’s difficult situations and emotions so let’s look at 8 easy concepts that we can use ourselves and teach our kids to take them from “boohoo” to “woohoo”!

1. Be Realistic.  Goals and expectations need to be within the scope of realism whether we like it or not.  In 2010, Princeton only accepted 17% of all Valedictorians who applied.  That means that 83% of the highest achievers were rejected.  Teaching our kids to focus on personal growth through an exciting journey of experience and maturity can lend an upside to any disappointment.
2. Be Flexible.  Heaven knows the temper tantrum any age child (and some adults too) can have when they don’t get their own way.  Flexibility, not to mention cooperation can help a great deal to ease frustration and create a win-win scenario.  Here is what my parents taught me.  During a very bad storm when the winds are blowing violently, a stiff tree is likely to snap, but a flexible tree will bend with the wind only to stand straight when the storm is over.  Enough said.
3. Stubbornly refuse to let negative emotions take over your happy life!  Let’s remember that we have the power to choose how we will react to any given situation.  We can’t change the situation, but we can choose how we respond to it.  We can let negative emotions make us miserable or we can choose to be positive!  Happy people replace negative thoughts with positive ones and they look for the positive aspects of even the worst situations.  It’s not easy, but every black cloud does have a silver lining if you look hard enough for it!
4. Utilize powerful positive role models.  Do you have a special Saint, political leader, pro athlete, mentor, or other figure that totally inspires you or your child?  Utilize this person to motivate your ability to be resilient.  When the chips are down, imagine your role model defeating their difficulties and use their inspiration to lift yours or your children’s spirits.  Pictures and quotes around the house are good reminders.  One of my favorites is Mother Teresa. 
5. Parents can be good role models for children.  If you whine at every little grievance in your day, you will teach your children to do the same.  So hold back your anger at crazy drivers, long lines, or perturbing people because your kids are watching your every move, and learning from you!   Do take the time to role model your positivity toward life even when difficulty arises.  Kids think of you as their hero, so act like one! 
6. Be approachable.  Your kids are not going to want to bring you any problems if you tell them to “get over it”, or if you start lecturing them on “what they should have, or could have done”.  Like any human who has emotions, kids need to be heard.  They need to get emotional baggage out of their system in order to find their resilience.  Sometimes, the best thing a parent can do is provide a heart filled with love and two ears to just listen!
7. Allow kids to problem solve.  If parents are always providing solutions for their kids, how on earth will they learn to do this for themselves?  The only way kids can be resilient is if they are capable of strategizing their way to the outcomes they desire.  Ask them how they want to solve their own problems and then let them try it out realizing that they may or may not succeed.  This is how kids earn their own experience and wisdom.  Parents… please use your judgment.  Safety First!
8. Lastly, give your children positive feedback when they handle their problems with resilience.  This is the greatest motivator of all to keep applying this potentially life altering skill.

Lucky is the child who can learn to respond instead of react, to choose positivity instead of misery, and to problem solve instead of stay stuck or use a coin to make life’s most important decisions!  Here’s to resilience!

It’s great to hear from our readers.  Please share your comments or ideas in our comments section.








Keyuri Joshi RN, MSN, is a Certified Parenting and Emotional Intelligence Coach.  A "personal trainer" for parents, Keyuri assists moms or dads build and use a toolbox to achieve any goals they desire.  She also teaches parents to build emotional and social intelligence skills in children. These are research proven "must have" skills which schools do not teach.  Keyuri offers all parents a complimentary consultation and can be reached through her website, www.ontheballparent.com

A Dad's Point of View: Do You Keep Secrets From Your Spouse?

Is it ever okay to keep a secret from your spouse?  If so, what secrets are okay and which are not?  I would suggest there are times where a so-called “white lie” is a good thing while most of the time honesty is truly the best policy.


An example of a good “white lie” is the ubiquitous situation in which a wife asks her husband, “Am I looking fat?” or “How do I look in this dress?”  We men know there’s only one answer, really: “You look great, Honey,” or some version of that.

Yes, that is funny, but many life situations are not.  Blended families pose their own unique challenges, especially when both partners bring children to that blend.  Children naturally feel closer to their biological parent. Sometimes a biological child in a blended family will want to tell his or her mother or father something without it being revealed to their stepparent. I think this is an example of when keeping a secret may be okay.

I posed this general question about keeping secrets on my Facebook page and here are a sample of the considerable number of responses:

• It depends on the secret, but in general I believe that spouses should not keep secrets; this is your soul mate and best friend...
  "Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered." Proverbs 11:13

• Before analyzing the secrets we keep from others, it all begins with the secrets we keep from ourselves.

• Lies are usually born of pride and/or fear and there should be no pride or fear in love...

• Oh and as far as blended families...bio has the first allegiance I feel...unless the kids were raised as infants or toddlers. Not many steps agree with this, but blood carries weight.

• Spouses shouldn't keep secrets, however, we are all "flawed" humans, and that is where the shades of gray come in.

• As women, we just need to vent sometimes and I have realized that occasionally--just depends on what it is--that it actually frustrates him because men are "fixers" and we don't always want to fix the problem, we just need to share it - get it off our chest.

• I divide lies into white lies and black lies. White lies are for the protection of others (like focusing on positive aspects, praise, reassurance) while black lies protect me from all the awful things I’ve done (like I was unfaithful) and i should just fess up and take the punishment.

It’s clear that this issue is incendiary and provokes strong feelings and reactions from both men and women.  I expect to get blasted for this next generality, but I believe women want “no secrets” withheld, more than men do.  My unscientific “A Dad’s Point-of-View” gender-poll at the gym got instant responses from the women that no secrets should be withheld, while the men were more reflective or replied, “it depends.” 


When I delved into it further with the women, they too would say that they needed to think about it some more.  The example of blended families and children feeling more comfortable opening up to their biological parent and asking that it be kept from their step-parent, usually got an “I’ll have to think about that” from these moms.

When secrets are mentioned, the first thing most people think of is infidelity, which I will also assert may not always be a black and white issue.  Again, most women said they wanted to know, while most men were less sure and thought it may depend on circumstances.  Rather than delve into what might be an acceptable circumstance to keep an indiscretion a secret, I will leave that for you to ponder. Just by using the word “indiscretion,” I know I’m implying there may be situations where it may be better to keep it a secret.

Okay, I can’t fully resist so I’ll share a hypothetical example.  Which would you prefer?  For your spouse to have a weekly, intimate, lunch with a co-worker and share their deepest feelings and thoughts (that him or her was not sharing with you) or for your spouse to have a one-night sexual liaison while away on business?

What if the spouse now reveals this secret, this incident?  And, what if the partner just wouldn’t or couldn’t forgive the cheating incident?  A divorce may follow.  Untold pain and financial burdens accompany that process.  And the children are now split from a whole family.  Was it worth the truth in that case? 

Finally, what about things that happened before we were married?  Are we obligated to reveal any and every shameful incident from our past?  What good would it do?  Is it relevant?  For instance, any health-related past that might affect our partner or our children I believe should and must be disclosed.  But, does everything we may have done and possibly regretted really have to be told?

By now, it’s clear that my position is a nuanced one. I also skirted any and all religious values and approached these situations in a truly secular manner.  In no way do I want to imply that such religious values are invalid and, frankly, I believe a religious foundation more often serves all of us best. Honesty is usually the best policy, but life is complicated and sometimes, maybe it’s best to keep some things secret.





Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream.  For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan. 

The House Xavier Built

This is the house that Jack built.

This is the malt

That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the rat,

That ate the malt

That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the cat,

That killed the rat,

That ate the malt

That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the dog,

That worried the cat,

That killed the rat,

That ate the malt

That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the cow with the crumpled horn,

That tossed the dog,

That worried the cat,

That killed the rat,

That ate the malt

That lay in the house that Jack built.

Xavier is going to build a house when he grows up, so he says. Repeatedly. On a daily basis. And each week I listen to what started as a normal house turn into a conglomerate of his favorite things.

Week1:

"Mom, I'm going to build a house when I grow up and you can come live with me there ok?"

"OK dear."

"And Im going to put in secret passageways in every room!"

"Neat."

Week 2:

"Mom, you know that house I'm going to build and you're going to come live wuth me?"

"Yup."

"Well I think I'm going to make it into a giant hotel too! But I promise I wont charge you. You can come live in my hotel for free."

"Aww how sweet. Thank you."

"Well, maybe I'll charge you one penny... but for a whole week not a night!"

'Errr... ok"

Week 3:

"Mom, how big of an aquarium would I need to have a whale shark? Cause I decided in my hotel house with secret passageways I also want a giant aquarium where I can go diving with whale sharks!"

"I have no idea."

"Do you think Whale Sharks and Goblin Sharks get along? Cause I want Goblin sharks too. I love Goblin Sharks. Oh, and Moray Eels. Hey Mom, did you know that there are lots of different kinds of Moray Eels but only 5 are not dangerous? Want to hear them, Mom? Ok there is the......"

Week 4: 

" Mom, I need to make my hotel house and aquarium safe from tornados. Do you think I should build it 100 miles  underground, or should I make it out of metal that can withstand high wind speeds? Oooh I know! Mom, I'll do both! Yeah! Hey Mom, do you think that would be a good idea?"

Week 5:

"Hey Mom! You  know my house I want to build? The hotel underground made of steel and has a GIANT aquarium where we can go diving? I want to make it indestructible! You know, in case a nuclear bomb goes off. That way if it does I can tell my guests that they are safe, nothing to see here folks, go back to your regular business. What do you think, Mom? Think that would be a good idea?"

Next week is week 6. I'll be interested to see what he adds on then. Either way, I haven't the heart to tell him what he wants he better do his best in school and figure out a career that will give him the capitol to create his house just the way he wants it

Brittany (Rhaven) is a member of trianglemommies.com. If you like this blog please visit her blog at http://suburbanrebelmom.blogspot.com/

Breastfeeding - A Love Story

It's 3:30 a.m. and I'm sitting in our arm chair, a squirming, crying bundle of baby in my arms. I murmur soothingly as I struggle to adjust the Boppy and get her in position. Her little mouth opens as she twists and turns, stretching to reach me. Finally, her mouth closes around my nipple and my toes curl in pain.

One, one thousand. Two, one thousand.

I know that as soon as I reach ten, the pain will ease and all I'll be aware of is the sounds of Elizabeth nursing, her warm little body nestled against mine. I know that in a couple of days, a week, there won't be any pain, that I won't have to count to ten.

Three, one thousand. Four, one thousand.

It was so different with Joseph.

Joseph was put in the NICU immediately after birth. Since I'd had an emergency Cesarean, I wasn't able to hold him in my arms until I could get out of bed. Blurry Polaroid pictures taped to my tray were the only confirmation that I'd actually had a baby. Shortly after giving birth, a nurse visited me. She told me that Joseph needed fluids and I had a choice. Either my baby could be hooked to an IV or he could be given a bottle of formula.

In a drugged blur of morphine and Ketamine, I consented to formula. I didn't have any hard and fast negative feelings towards formula. I wanted to breastfeed, but everyone I knew, with the exception of my sister-in-law, had formula fed. I'd read that breastfeeding helps the mom lose baby weight and that it was best for baby. Besides...it was free. The cost of formula nearly gave me heart failure. What I didn't know then was how much I wanted to breastfeed.

A lactation consultant visited me, pump in tow. She showed me how to work it and told me that every drop I pumped was liquid gold.

When I finally got to meet Joseph, the nurses tried to help me get him to latch. I sat in a chair in the middle of the busy NICU and tried desperately to get him to feed. He screamed and turned red and pumped his little fists. Every passing nurse had a different position, a different "trick", a different opinion. Near tears at my inability to feed my son, I gave him back to Chad who fed him a bottle, promptly ending Joseph's cries. What I didn't realize was that the bottles being used were the same bottles given to preemies. Tip them over and the milk flowed from the nipples, requiring minimum effort on the baby's part. Was this the reason for Joseph's inability to latch?

Five, one thousand. Six, one thousand.

My milk finally came in. For thirty minutes a session, every three hours, I sat in front of a pump, milk flowing into bottles. We left the hospital and made the commitment to not buy formula. Instead, I set my alarm and pumped. I sat in front of my pump while Joseph and Chad slept. I sat in front of it, tears streaming down my face as Joseph screamed in hunger. I sat in front of it and watched Chad feed our baby. I had been warned not to do so myself and felt useless to ease my newborn's cries.

We visited a lactation consultant for eight weeks. We still couldn't get a latch. Finally, she sat us down and told us that pumping was a third option. That it didn't have to be all or nothing. Resigned, I began to feed Joseph bottles and continued my long relationship with the pump.

I resolved to pump for three months. Then, four. Four turned into six and six turned into ten. I pumped in the car, at the drive in, in restrooms, in a tent - everywhere I went, I was attached to the pump. The little bottles turned into frozen bags. I didn't have a great supply, but I did everything I could think of to boost what little I had - oatmeal, lactation cookies, Fenugreek, water.

At ten months, my supply dwindled away to nothing. I put my pump away.

Seven, one thousand. Eight, one thousand.

When I became pregnant this time, I worried about having a repeat c section. I worried that history would repeat itself. But this time I was also a little more knowledgeable. I had family and friends who breastfed. I'd read enough to have an idea of what went wrong the first time. I had resources. I had confidence. And, if worse came to worse, I knew I could pump again.

As I was leaving the operating room, a nurse told me that they might have to give Elizabeth a bottle if her blood sugar was low. I protested. I was armed with the knowledge that she'd be fine for the two hours I would be in recovery. I insisted that she not be given a bottle.

I lay in the recovery room, trying to make my numb toes wiggle. I stared at the clock, each tick one minute further from the first sucking instincts of birth. Each tick, one minute closer to latching difficulties. I concentrated on my toes, willing them to move.

I was wheeled into my room, lowered into bed and then, held my little girl for the first time. My sister assured me that she hadn't been given a pacifier, that she hadn't been given a bottle. Everyone left the room. I sat in bed and pulled down my gown. I arranged pillows under her tiny body. Elizabeth squirmed and rooted and turned red, like her brother. I told myself that it was going to be different this time and positioned her the way the patient lactation consultants had shown me with Joseph. I moved her head the way the websites and books had instructed. I held my breath and silently begged her to please, please be a good nurser.

She latched on as if her mouth was magnetic.

Nine, one thousand.

The lactation consultant visited us the next day. After reviewing my history, she watched carefully as I nursed Elizabeth. She smiled.

"You've paid your dues and now you're being rewarded. You have a champion nurser. It's like she's nursed for years. Look at how her jaw is naturally positioned. Look at how her lips are open to the proper angle. Look at how quickly and efficiently she's nursing. You're both going to be just fine."

Ten, one thousand.

Ahhhh...the pain subsides as Elizabeth settles into the serious business of eating. I lean my head back and smile.






Mandy Dawson lives on the Central Coast of California with her husband and two children.  She's celebrating ten months of nursing with a trip down memory lane at http://inmandyland.blogspot.com/.

The Ocean

The ocean has an amazing hold on me. I can't explain it. It's not even something I recognize until again, I'm standing on the shore as the waves crash around my feet, the scent of salted air fills my senses, and I feel the breeze on my skin. No matter how often I forget, the moment I am there, I remember. And I embrace it with all my soul.

The ocean is soul refreshing. Each time I leave I feel renewed, refreshed, energized, and at peace. Nothing else has the capacity to still my scattered thoughts and allow me to just... be. Overlooking the vast expanse of water, the waves following the same pattern of rushing and running it has for millions of years, the feel of sand, rocks battered down over the millennia to a perfect smoothness, I am reminded in every sense that no matter how anxious I get over something, how stressed I make myself with worries, how annoyed I may have been with the kids crying or fighting over the choice of radio music on the way there... all of my problems are so miniscule. And like the waves constantly clearing the shore, my issues are so small and will also be cleansed with the cycle of time.

I am reminded that while *I* may think my worries are important at the time, in the long run I am only a small part of the entire whole of what is. And my worries, for the most part, are insignificant. While that thought process may scare some people, for me, that gives me a sense of peace and comfort. I feel both connected with the whole of what is, and that in time, my worries will cease to have meaning.

Capering on the sand, chasing waves, being chased by the waves, my children also love the ocean. There is no bickering between them. There is no whining, unless it's when J and I tell Soren no, he can not eat the sand. But that passes as he is distracted by a seashell or something edible to nosh on as he sits and stares at the waves. The older boys race together to jump into the white foamed water, screeching with delight. Happiness is children playing in the ocean together. Happiness is watching your children have the time of their life side by side, enjoying to the fullest what nature graciously offers. Such a gift is precious and one I cherish with all my heart.

Brittany(Rhaven) is a member of trianglemommies.com. If you liked this blog please feel free to view her personal blog at http://suburbanrebelmom.blogspot.com/

A Dad's Point of View: My Son the Rock Star--Teens Dealing With Their Angst

Teen energy, angst, and anger manifest itself in so many ways. Every day it seems that we read about some teen that has done something unusually self-destructive, and occasionally destructive to others. Columbine was an extreme example of this.  Many so-called “normal” teens tend to use or abuse the ol’ standbys of drinking, drugs, and sex to handle these emotions and changes.  For my own 16-year-old, his reaction has been mostly anger.  The irony is that I’ve found this to be both good and bad.


How hormones affect the average teen have been studied and documented, but no one really knows definitively their effect since each teen reacts in different ways.  The same is true for most women’s experience with menopause, as my wife has suffered horribly while for her mother it was a blip on the screen of her mid-life. Will has done a little of the aforementioned “standbys” stated above, to some degree. But he’s done nothing extraordinary, over-the-top, or that different from all teens with the possible exception of his recent angry moods.

When I say moods, I mean moods.  Let’s try a few descriptive words: sullen, quiet, loud, belligerent, intransigent, stubborn, willful, explosive.  His impulsive behavior got him in a mess of trouble when he posted a mean-spirited comment on Facebook.  The backlash, as it instantaneously circulated among all his friends and peers, was stunning.  It nearly de-railed Will’s wonderful eight-month relationship with his girlfriend, as all her friends got involved, taking sides, and giving his minor comment a true life of its own.

At first, Will just got angrier and angrier before we really talked it out and I got him to post an apology.  Sadly, the others that were now involved wouldn’t let it go, but this isn’t the point of this column.  The point is how do teen boys channel their energy, their out-of-control hormones, and anger?  For many, sports are the outlet.  Banging each other on the football field till exhaustion probably can moderate any teen’s angry mood. 


Will never cared for sports, but he did like and then love rock ‘n’ roll. It began with his getting an inexpensive electric guitar as a graduation present from Elementary School. He evolved into an accomplished musician, as he now plays guitar, bass, and drums, and he sings.  Along the way, I supported him by taking him to concerts by legendary performers like Bruce Springsteen and Eric Clapton as well as some of his contemporary bands such as Green Day, Incubus, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, to name just a few.


Joining a local School-of-Rock type of school where kids get put into bands and perform at local venues, gave him his first taste of performing.   In his tween years, at which time he just played guitar, he developed a charismatic presence on stage.  Or, as I tend to believe, it just came natural to him.


But, with the onset of puberty and all its attendant hormonal changes, this outlet proved even more vital and cathartic for him.  Less than a year ago, he took up the drums.  We jokingly say that the video game “Rock Band” taught him the basics, as he almost instantly was a pro.  This proved to be the ultimate release for his pent-up anger and emotion, as he’d go and bang on the drums until there was a puddle of sweat accumulated on the garage floor.

His first performance on the drums coincided with his 15^th birthday.  He had been playing for maybe four months.  Now, the inherent charisma he’d shown playing guitar, turned into something deeper and more intoxicating.  At this show, the energy and magnetism he displayed clearly took the center of attention completely away from the singer, in this case a teen girl. 


Undeterred, she responded with amazing calm and, cool as can be, integrated Will’s energy into her performance.  Rather than fight what he was bringing, she interacted with him in an unrehearsed manner as she’d jump on the drums platform and sing to him.  Yes, they had rehearsed, but Will doesn’t come out and show his stuff until he’s on stage, so she had no idea of what was to come.

That show was terrific and an eye-opener. He’s now grown into a wildly exciting drummer, guitarist, and more recently a singer.  Suffering from a cold and recovering from a broken arm, he did vocals in a Rage Against The Machine tribute concert.  In his 10-minute exhibition, he left the audience and himself exhausted from the power of his vocals and showmanship.  In fact, halfway through it, during an instrumental interlude, he sat on his haunches and just tried to recover his breath.

This story is really not about my son, but rather about the need for our teen boys, and maybe our girls too, to have that outlet--that passion that will keep their wild puberty in check.  Our job as parents is to help our children find their passion and nurture it as best as we can.  In my case, I just need earplugs.

Postscript: My son, through his own initiative, made his rock ‘n’ roll dream come true when he got to jam, on stage, with Chris Cornell at The Roxy Theatre in Hollywood May 3, 2010 (to read about it, go to: http://bit.ly/RnRonWS).




Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream.  For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.