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Saturday, January 23, 2010


Depriveto remove or withhold something from the enjoyment of (a person or persons): to deprive a man of life; to deprive a baby of candy. 

Creative, huh?  Starting a story out with a dictionary entry.  It's because I am too tired to come up with a witty way of really bringing home the point.

I haven't slept in close to 9 months. More than that really, if you count the last couple months of pregnancy, when your body is exhausted and your bladder can't keep a sip of water in it for more than 15 minutes.  Counting that, it has really been a year since I have had a 6 hour block of sleep.
I am not sure how you other mama's handle the sleep deprivation, but I can say I don't wear sleep deprivation gracefully. I now know why they use it as a torture device.  And I know how effective it is too.

I sometimes think Big Dub wakes every two hours just to keep me functioning at a minimally adequate level.  I am pretty sure he uses his frequent night wakings to plot against me.  How many nights have I gave in and nursed him, while he barely nuzzled my breast.  Not even close to starving even though I swore he had been giving 105% to his hunger cry.  Just nuzzling.  Those night nuzzlings are when he is honing his skills, teaching himself how not to sleep, to never give in to temptation!  Because if he ever gave in, and just slept for a solid chunk of time, he might not have so much fun during the day.

With just the right amount of sleep deprivation - not getting more than a 4 hour block ever, and consistently giving no more than 2 hour blocks, he pretty much gets whatever he wants...
I give up and bring him into bed with me around 4 am and nurse him there (even though he ate at 2 and I am determined to make him go 4-5 hours in between feedings) until I give up and get out of bed around 6.  By that time he has been up for the better part of an hour, pulling my hair, pinching me, laughing, kicking me and overall being a horrible sleeping partner.

I'm too tired to want to do anything for myself during the day, so I skip yoga and stay home to sit next to him on the floor while he rolls around drooling on me.

I'm too tired to fight, that's for sure. I am not interested in force feedings of any kind and instead of coming up with some wildly creative way of getting him to eat his vegetables, or anything but pears and black beans, I hand feed him mashed up beans because he refuses to put them in his own mouth as his hands are busy playing with the spoon.

I am too tired to make him wear a decent outfit. If we get one onsie on I have to count that as a success and hope we get pants on today too. I am most often thankful he's in a diaper because that saves my carpets from further indignities.  I am not sure what people think of us when they see us braving the NW elements, me appropriately dressed, while my son is in a onesie and wrapped in a fuzzy blanket because I am too tired to get him in a jacket and a hat of any sort is out of the question.

I come up with ridiculous ideas just to get us out of the house and keep me from having to stare at the dirty kitchen and piles of laundry.  The ideas are ridiculous because they have to meet ridiculous requirements: infant friendly, real cheap or free, can't take too much energy on my part.  So we pay to swim twice a week - for him to splash me and us to have the privelege of swimming in other mamas' children's pee while blessing them with Big Dub's, we go to library story time, not for the story, but for Big Dub to stare enviously at the walkers and throw fits because he's not.  You might think these are all "good mama" things to do for your little one, enriching, teaching them skills, etc.  It's not, don't kid yourself.  They are all desperate ploys on my part to get him to nap during the day (he is a cat napper, you are all shocked to hear that, I know).  They work about one out of three times.  As with most things concerning my son, I consider this a victory.

And most of all, I am too tired to come up with a plan to plot against him or at least go down with a fight...  I am too tired to read any of those ridiculous books on sleeping.  Really, if I have 20 minutes it is not spent perusing a book with close to 200 pages on how to get your kid to sleep.  If it's any longer than a page, I don't have the time to follow through with it anyway.  More than a page simply means there are multiple steps and may even require some critical thinking skills.  Not going to happen.

I am not going to end the story with a dictionary entry.  But if I were, it would probably be defeat, debacle, downfall or something along those lines.  I am going to end it with my point.  My point is, I'm tired.

I'm just and average mama who's not afraid to say all the things you know you are thinking.  Or just not smart enough to keep my mouth shut.
Follow me on twitter: @midnightfeeding / email me: / visit

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