Private and Not-So-Private Parts

A few months ago my three-year-old son, E, and his new sister, N, were bathing together and my son asked: Where is N’s penis? My husband, S, who was in charge of bath that night (YAY!) yells: AAALLLLEEEEXXX.

I have been designated handler-of-all-questions-uncomfortable. (S is slowly getting over E not being an infant anymore. He’s SOOO big is a daily comment.) I come in and S and E repeat the question. I respond: You have a penis and N has a vagina. She does not have a penis. I go on to explain that Daddy is like E and Mama is like N. I don’t elaborate further and E repeats my explanation a few times without any new questions. He points out his newfound knowledge to N and that’s it.

I leave the room with an air of smugness last seen when my son greeted my mom’s friend at our door with Hello. It’s nice to meet you.

I had been thinking about this issue since E discovered his penis. Armed with my feminist theory, philosophy and biology classes, I already knew how I was going to handle the gender, sex, and my body talks:

1. I wasn’t going to shy away or ignore any question. I wanted him to love and respect his body and I would mirror that by respecting his question.

2. I wanted to use scientific terms. “Hoo-ha” and “weenie” aren’t human body parts nor are they anything I want associated with my body or my children’s. (I just learned that my sister uses “vah-jay-jay” which had I known that before the talk, I may have been willing to incorporate. It sounds like the cool neighbor in an old-school 70’s sitcom. Who’s at the door? It’s VAH-JAY-JAY!)

3. I also wanted to emphasize what N HAS, not what she doesn’t have. I’ve read way to much Freud to describe women as a “lack” of anything.

4. Most importantly, I wanted to move at E’s pace. E doesn’t seem to care who are boys and who are girls so I have yet to comment on “appropriate” pronouns and gender definitions. Anyway, as any VERY liberal-arts student will tell you, gender definitions are best left fluid.

And the talk in the bathroom went just like I wanted it.

Until last week. E totally blindsided me.

I’m leaning over a bit while wearing appropriate breast-feeding attire. E points and asks: What’s that? Now I look down and say hopefully: Those are my breasts. He says: NO. What’s that? And points his finger clearly between my breasts. I start panicking. Is there a scientific word for cleavage? Is there a feminist word for cleavage? Why is my three-year-old noticing cleavage?

Well, (I pause trying to buy time. But I can’t ignore his question -- That’s Rule #1!) It’s where my breasts meet... Like they are friends getting together for coffee. Maybe I can call it Starbucks.

What IS it? he insists. I look left. I look right. I use Jedi mind-tricks to force my cats to appear and actually let him pet them. And he just looks from me to my chest. So I tell him. I give him the word that every heterosexual male has come to love. It’s called cleavage E. And my feminist, scientific, and mommy selves DIE.

The next day he asks again.

I can’t wait for him to point it out on his teachers.

PS. My husband was leaning over without a shirt on and E pointed to a SKIN roll (NOT a fat roll) and says: Beavage! Which I guess is breast plus cleavage. Or right around the time Child Protective Services calls.

This post is written by Alex Iwashyna, a happily married (seriously!) mom with a BA in Philosophy and a Medical Degree and the drive to become neither. She is hopefully this writing thing will pan out. Follow her rants on twitter.com/failebg but be prepared for baby poop and liberal bias.

A life lesson at the playground

My heart got hurt a little today. Hurt in that mama bear wounded cub sorta way. A way that sadly I am well aware I will experience many times over during this whole journey of motherhood thing.

I'm aware that what happened wasn't some big giant deal, hardly life or death but still...

it sucked.

It happened at the playground, and might I add this is just one more check in the "yucky things about playground" list I'm keeping in my head. Little dash-2 has started some kind of stuttering of sorts. I've noticed it over the last week and I will admit, I noticed it and was hoping it would miraculously go away like dash-3's baby acne.

{By the by whoever nominates me for mom of the year make sure you include that on my application "Ignored child's stuttering hoping he would fix it himself."}

I'm hoping its just a toddler type of thing, I've done some googling and it seems that this can be normal for kids, simply put their minds don't go as fast as their mouths. And clearly if he's going to take after his older brother this will probably be resolved.

But another reason I kinda put my head in the sand was that I knew, inevitably, what happened at the park would happen eventually and to quote myself from the top.... that sucks.

Today my adorable little dash-2 got made fun of.

He was standing on the play set at the park and he was trying to say "who goes there" all he could get out was "who-who-who-who". And then some older kid, probably 7 or 8 years old starts laughing at him and mimicking him saying "who-who-who, ha did you hear that kid?".

I think my heart stopped beating for a minute.

And then I did what any good mom would do seeing her kid ridiculed by another kid for the first time, I left the park.

I know I probably should have handled that differently, but honestly short of bursting into tears while rocking dash-2 back and forth blubbering that I would shield him for life {which since he was totally unaware that this was going on probably would have freaked him out} or going over and slugging the kid {which again not really an option since that sort of thing is frowned upon in our civilized society} I thought that was my best bet.

My kids tease each other, the jabs about who's a baby or the occasional butt head comment get passed back and forth but this was different.

There are times I wish I could protect my kids from everything, not have to explain the nasty stuff in life. Why some people don't like people of a different color, why a kid in a wheelchair is being stared at, why how someone talks is worth laughing at, and please, don't even get me started on the whole war/bomb discussion, I'm clueless on that one.

But I can't.

I can't protect them and shield them from the nastiness and even if I could I wouldn't be doing my job. My job is to teach them how to deal with it, to show them how to brace themselves for the inevitable blows and to pick themselves up and move on.

Even if that means that as a mama I have to feel the hurt, their hurt, along the way.

And most importantly I have to teach them and model for them not to be one of those nasty people who picks and preys on those who are different or weaker.

I want to raise great kids. Nice well behaved kids who don't run in the commissary and who never growl at people {dash -2 is going thru a bit of a growling stage a side effect of being a dinosaur for Halloween, we're working on it} but I'm amending that and adding to it that I want to raise great kids, who treat others with respect, who don't bully or laugh at other kids.

And who growl but not maliciously.

And God help them if they do, they will feel the wrath of this mama bear.

More of me can be found at http://tryingourbest.blogspot.com where I write about motherhood, military wife life, and stories about my kids that will, no doubt, embarass them ten years from now.

TMN Director of Human Resources

Director of Human Resources
The role of the Director of Human Resources is to oversee the site-level Human Resources Department and Network Admin Manager's. As part of the Operations Board, she is expected to participate in all other OpB job duties including reviewing TMN policies and rules, resolving conflicts, and providing guidance to site leadership.

Applicants must have previous experience with TMN at the site manager level or higher for at least one year. If the applicant is currently in a leadership role on their site or with TMN, they must be willing to step down from that role within 4 months. If the applicant is no longer in a leadership role, they need to have left in good standing.

Job Duties:
- training and oversight of NA Manager's
- create HR database
- oversee site-level Human Resources Department
- implement training program for all NA's
- oversee Peer Panel, site-level Charitable Events Coordinator and Fundraising Coordinator
- provide feedback to Director of Operations regarding the teams goals, performance, and needs
- work with Operations Board to resolve conflicts and issues
- oversee Hospitality Committee
- participate daily in discussions on the TMN forums and provide guidance to site leadership
- work with Operations Board to review TMN policies and rules

Requirements

- Must have been a part of site leadership at the manager level or higher for at least 1 yr
- Willing to commit at least 20 hrs a week to working for TMN
- Must be confident with using a computer, running our sites, and learning new software
- HR management knowledge a plus - will be expected to learn it quickly
- Excellent written and communication skills
- Organizational skills: take existing HR information and compile it in a central location; improve on site, SA and Manager performance evaluation process; implement follow-up procedures and timelines

If you are interested in applying, please send your resume to amy@themommiesnetwork.org

My Little Thanks

I am sure you all are tired of hearing my same old thankful list, because I make no secret that I am VERY thankful for my dear husband, my children, my family, my health, our military, and all that good stuff.

But you know something else that I'm realizing? The little things in life sometimes matter almost as much as the big stuff. I mean nothing matters more then my family but you know what I mean.

{Sometimes the little things help me to handle and love my family just that much more.}

So on this, the day of thanks, I am thankful for things big and small.

And now to name a few of my "not-as-important-as my-family-but-still-worthy-of-thanks" thanks, I am thankful for:

-Coca Cola, the original {I wont hold that whole new coke thing against you all, your practically like family to me I can excuse a small mistake} my sweet coca cola you get me going, time and again.

-Pampers, you hold in all the poop and pee around here {well almost all, there is still the occasional poop but again I wont hold that against you} and you do it without causing any rashes or irritation on my darlings sensitive backsides.

-Oxyclean, when pampers has a slight malfunction and the poo goes crazy you are there to clean up the mess. If only I had had you with the first two I'd probably have twice the clothes left over!

-Gerber super absorbency training underwear, you really are super absorbent. I thank you for that.

-Our Little Green Clean Machine {a little carpet and upholstery machine} in the potty training trenches you've been right there with me. Your a battle buddy I can depend on when a certain adorable little boy decides he just wants to pee. Right there. No matter where he is standing.

-Betty Crocker gingerbread mix, an egg free cookie from a box?! That taste great. I'm in love. As an allergy mama I'm so thankful.

-Puffs Plus with lotion, lotion on a tissue. GENIUS. Thank whoever came up with that one for me, two colds in two weeks my nose would be even worse off without you all.

-My car. Its hardly a little thing {trust me hardly} but compared to the family it goes on this list. It makes me so happy. First no one is touching anyone, they can't they sit too far away from each other. No fights about who touched who, who is looking at someone, who's foot is on who's side. NONE OF THAT. LOVE IT!

-Built in dvd player in the car. And the really good part.... HEADPHONES! And wireless at that. I hear NOTHING. Not even the kids when the movie is on. Who ever came up with that deserves a Nobel Peace Prize, I'm serious.

-My blackberry. Holy poop batman. I didn't text at all until this September when flyboy got me a razzle dazzle crackberry. And now he regrets it b/c I'm addicted to that thing. Emails right to my pocket? Fan-friggin-tastic.

-Dash-1's booster seat that he can get himself in and out of and not just that but he buckles himself! Now I'm only down to having to get two other kids into car seats and that is wonderful.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving! And remembers to think of the little things when giving thanks! Oh wait... what are your little things your thankful for?

{And no I'm not getting any kickback from any of these companies. They just make my life a little sweeter and for that I'm thankful.}

More from me can be found at http://tryingourbest.blogspot.com where I write about motherhood, military wife life, and stories about my kids that will, no doubt, embarass them ten years from now.

A Dad's Point of View: Raising Kids Takes a Lot of Luck

Raising kids, like many things in life, involves many factors but luck is a key factor. I’ve faced recent reminders about this when I attended the Bar Mitzvah of a young man with severe learning disabilities, whose parents had the poor luck that he had these problems. Or, the recent visit from my best friend who shared a conversation he just had with his wife in which they were each trying to figure out what they did wrong that resulted in their three adult children lacking any career focus in their lives. And, finally, the two men I know who are suffering the horrors of dealing with late teen or young adult drug addicts.

In the world of show business, to illustrate another world and example, do you really think the big stars in Hollywood are the most talented? While I love Jennifer Lopez and do indeed think she is quite talented, there was a certain degree of luck that they were making a movie about the life of Selena when J.Lo was just beginning her career. If her first movie had been a flop, would we be seeing her in every celebrity magazine?

As a former showbiz veteran, I often said it requires two things to succeed: “talent and luck.” Other showbiz examples are numerous, going back to when Lana Turner was discovered having ice cream on a stool at the long gone Schwab’s drugstore on Sunset Boulevard. in Hollywood. It may have been a legend, but there are plenty of those stories that are true.

I maintain that luck is a huge factor in parenting. The two families that I know who are suffering the ongoing terrors of having a child who is an addict are among the most stable, loving, and wholesome families I know. These are not families of divorce and they each have a stay-at-home loving mom, an involved dad, financial security, religious values, etc. Yet, I know both couples are constantly berating themselves over what they might have done differently. In their minds loving their children, apparently was not enough.

Bunk! There is luck in life. I feel lucky to have gone to college when I did and to have had the entertainment career that I had. Neither would be possible now, with the grades I had and the nature of showbiz today. I also feel lucky that I was born in the U.S., to wonderful loving parents, that I’ve always had my health, and I’ve had more than my share of good fortune along the way. I just as easily could have been born in a third-world country, with various health problems, and poverty and hunger as a way of life.

No, luck is a big factor for all of us. I also believe we can influence and make our own luck by working hard, developing our talent, and when we are in that right place at that right time, knowing we’re prepared to take advantage of it. J.Lo probably did the greatest audition ever for the role of Selena. Yes, the timing of it was luck, but she developed her talent to take advantage of the opportunity.

I got in showbiz the same way, turning a fortuitous meeting into my first job and using some knowledge I had about my future boss’s best friend and associate to ingratiate myself with him and make him laugh. It was luck that I met him and good prep that I knew whom he knew.

But, with parenting, we cannot beat ourselves up for how our children turn out. We can help, we can guide, and we can instruct, but ultimately they will grow up and make their own decisions. If their friends are into drugs or drinking, will they have the strength to withstand that peer pressure? I hope we’ve raised our children to say “No,” but only time will tell.

The irony is that I do believe we can mess up our kids easier than we can make them into model citizens. It is sort of like how one bad driver can cause a mess of trouble for a whole freeway of good drivers. Poor parenting does more damage than good parenting does good. I still urge all parents to give, do, and love their children to the very best of their abilities.

I used to read to my sons almost every night when they were young. I patted myself on the back at being such a great dad when they both spontaneously began to read in Kindergarten. What a great job I had done, or so I thought. I later learned of many other parents, my friends, who read just as much or more than I did and whose children had all sorts of difficulties learning to read. It made me re-think my contributions to their spontaneous reading. I’m sure my reading didn’t hurt, but how much it helped is unknown.

The same applies to all the good things we do as parents. I still believe strongly that I’d rather stack the deck in our favor by making every effort I can to instruct, model, and otherwise instill good habits and values in my kids. I know just by reading the paper or watching the news how much luck impacts everyone’s lives. Right now, I have to unilaterally declare that I’ve had a big pile of luck. I just hope it continues as the boys grow up.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” group. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

Portrait of a Family Dinner

When we moved down to NC and J was going to be working from home I had one thing I wanted to start doing and I wouldn't budge on it. That was dinner together as a family. Having almost never having these when we lived up north due to Js insane commute (90 minutes each way) this was something I dreamed about doing on a consistent basis. So J agreed that he would stop work at 5:30 sharp to have dinner and if he needed to work more, he would wait until after the kids were snug in bed.

Family dinners to me, mean taking just a little bit of time out of your day and spending it with those you love most to see how their day went. It means connecting, communicating, laughter and joy. At least that is the fantasy. This is what it's really like. I'll use tonight's family dinner as an example:

Ashe and J woke up this morning sick and Soren still is on antibiotics for his ear infection and conjunctivitis. So at dinner time I had one cranky baby, one boy who is snotty nosed and wiping his face with his arm, the only other adult in the picture is zoning out watching the steam rise from his ravioli as Im trying to talk to him about his day, and one child whose ADHD meds are noticeably wearing off, bouncing in his seat coughing HACK HACK HACK while barely covering his mouth.

I take Soren into my arms so J can actually have a few bites of warm dinner only to have him grab my plate and douse himself in tomato sauce. I beg J to grab a towel and he just sits there and says "You didn't get up last night to get me a cloth when he spit up on me...oh it's sauce, not spit up... ok" and lumbers off to find a towel. Meanwhile Ashe is refusing to eat his meal and only wants a juice box, while Xavier is nattering away bouncing in his seat. HACK HACK HACK

I get Soren cleaned up and try to finagle a bite of dinner into Ashes mouth where he turns his head, wipes his snotty nose on his arm then turns back to me and yells "DELICIOUS" over and over again, trying to get me to sing back "Delightful" a la Upside Down show (good show by the way). I refuse until he takes a bite of ravioli. J is staring off into space again while Xavier is loudly talking about how come Ashe doesn't have to eat his dinner but he has to eat all of his? HACK HACK HACK

Soren starts fussing, Xavier finishes his meal by stuffing the last 4 raviolis in his mouth (at the same time) then tries to ask if he can have dessert with his mouth full. Ashe then whines he wants dessert too (and bubblegum medicine cause MOMMY I SICK) and cries when I tell him he has to eat his dinner first before he can have dessert. Xavier saunters off to the kitchen, trying to unsuccessfully gloat at Ashe without getting caught. J is still zoned out staring at his plate. From the kitchen I hear HACK HACK HACK.

Xavier comes back from the kitchen with Italian Ice and smirks while Ashe is now sobbing for Italian Ice too, but refuses to eat a bite of ravioli. Xavier starts yelling over the table "THEN EAT YOUR DINNER GOOBER" to which Ashe screams in indignation. Soren is still fussing in my arms and I'm trying to shovel down my now cold dinner just to escape. J is in lala land. HACK HACK HACK ("FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WILL YOU PLEASE STOP COUGHING ON THE TABLE?!?!?!?!?")

I look over at J and mouth "I want a vacation!!!!". J finally glances up and says why?
"Cause I want some quiet." Ashe is now singing Rhett and Links Space Trash song and Xavier leans over the table and yells "QUIET ASHE, MOM WANTS QUIET".... thanks kid. HACK HACK HACK.

And thus our family dinner for the night comes to a close as Ashe leaps off his chair, whining for a baby wipe so I can wipe his nose, Xavier puts his plate in the sink and starts his homework, J takes his last bite of ravioli and I stand up to bounce on my toes trying to stop Sorens wails. We all depart from our dining room and go our separate ways. Myself? I push Soren into Js arms and step out on to the porch and shut the door for just a little peace and quiet before I go back in to utter chaos and lose my mind.

This post written by Brittany (Rhaven at trianglemommies.com) http://suburbanrebelmom.blogspot.com/

Will you Vote for The Mommies Network?

Would you like to help TMN get a $1M grant or $100k donation?

Visit the following Facebook app and vote for the Mommies Network to win a share of the $5 million that Chase will be donating to non-profit organizations! Voting began November 15 and will run through December 11. Please vote and post on your profile so all of your friends can vote too! You do not have to be a TMN member to vote! Search for Mommies Network in Charlotte, NC.

http://apps.facebook.com/chasecommunitygiving/

Thank you!!

3 Tips for a Healthy Thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, you are probably beginning to worry about packing on extra holiday pounds to your waist and buns, but with a little bit of time and effort, you can make sure that the only thing that you hang on to from this holiday season are memories. Take some time to learn more about how you and your family can stay healthy this Thanksgiving.

Don't starve on Thanksgiving Day

Women, we tend to get very hungry on Thanksgiving Day because we are so busy running around getting everything ready that we forget to eat. Then we end up eating way too much simply because we are starving by time dinner is served. Between preparing the dishes and catching up with friends and family, you'll find that you might not have a lot of time to eat, but don't let this stop you. Snacking throughout the day can keep you from overeating that evening. Thanksgiving dinner doesn't mean that you can forget about your healthy breakfast and lunch!

Eat slowly

One reason why we tend to overeat at holidays like this is partly because we are eating fast, not just because it tastes so good! When you are eating food too quickly, it takes longer for your body to realize that it is full. Instead, put small portions of food that you have been craving on your plate and don't forget to talk to your guests. There's nothing wrong with taking a long time to savor and really enjoy your food. When you eat slowly, you'll find that this can help you realize when you are truly full and it can also help you enjoy your food more!

 Look for low calorie foods

When you eat your turkey, look for a piece that is skinless and breast meat is always the best. Also, be sure to eat small amounts of dishes that are made with high fat cheeses or milk. Candied yams often use a great deal of sugar and casseroles often come prepared with cream of mushroom soup. Consider what has gone into those dishes and take only a small amount or bypass them entirely, and instead opt for yummy vegetables or some mashed potatoes without globs of butter and gravy.

Becky Fox is owner of Fox Fitness, offering a Knoxville Get Foxy Boot Camp and in-home Personal Training. For more information about her fitness services and to receive  your free copy of Healthy Eating on the go visit her site today.

Ode to Soren

Throughout the day when I play with the kiddos I burst out into silly, made up on the fly, songs or poems. I dont know why, I've just always done this. I wonder sometimes if it's just me or if other parents find themselves making up songs about toes or rhyming stories about the naughty step to get their kids to laugh. I always mean to write them down, but by the time I actually have a moment to find a pen and paper I've already forgotten most of what I made up.

I found myself starting a few little ditties today while playing with Soren and realized *during* it that it was forming into something cute, so I decided to find a pen and paper right then. I worked at it for awhile, crossing out lines that elicited a frown or fart from my audience of a 5 month old, and here is what passed the test:

My Ode to Soren

Soren is our little lad
He's got his mom, he's got his dad
He has two brothers big and small
But he's the smallest of them all.

He's just a baby, little boy
With eyes of blue that fill with joy
When someones fingers come close by
He grabs them, chews them, sucks them dry.

His little toes are fascinating
He likes to sit there vascilating
Should he bend down and touch his toes?
Or try to make them reach his nose?

He loves to bounce and pacify,
Watch the scenery pass on by
While comfy snug in baby wrap
content and happy, takes a nap.

At dinnertime he sits with Dad
He wants to munch on real food bad
He gives a most indignant screech
When Daddys plate is out of reach.

At bedtime he must wear a hat,
Hold his blankie, likes to chat
With Mommy as she reads their story
Filled with magic tales of glory.

He's growing fast each night and day
Advancing in his form of play.
One day he'll grow into a child
With no more gummy, drooling smiles.

But while he masters babyhood,
Plays baby games just like he should

His family will gather memories
of their beloved, precious baby.

They cherish every sloppy kiss
The gummy smiles his mom will miss
Those reaching hands to pat their face
Nestling little head in place

Between the neck and shoulder nook
And falls asleep into the crook
Of someones arms who holds him close
Those nightly cuddles they'll miss most

For a sleeping baby's a precious thing
It makes you smile, your heart does sing
In awe you watch this precious cargo
Feel safe enough to let it all go

Sleep safely in your rocking arms
Knowing you'll keep him from all harm
Baby Soren you're our joy
Our little bouncing baby boy.

We love you more than you can know
~Love Mom and Dad
And your two bros.
(P.S. When you're big like your brothers, please don't beat up one another)

XOXOXOXO

 

This post written by Brittany (Rhaven at trianglemommies.com) http://suburbanrebelmom.blogspot.com/

A Dad's Point of View: Random Musings

Sometimes there are many ideas fighting for attention in my mind, covering all the subjects I tend to write a column about, but each isn’t worthy of its own full-length coverage. Consequently, I collect them.  So, in no particular order, here are my current random musings.

* A great feel-good dad moment occurred when I complimented Will on how terrific and cute his new girlfriend was.  Without missing a beat, he replied, “You taught me well, Dad.”  Guess he’ll get to use my truck, after all.


* Do you wonder how your kids can watch the same video over and over again? . I’ve never gone to see a movie twice in the theater, on purpose, with the exception of my second favorite all-time film, “And Now My Love,” directed by Claude LeLouch. That meant, of course, going to the one theater in town that was showing this particular foreign film, paying admission twice, and seeing it a second time. 

The option of watching this movie on television was not available for such a relatively obscure film and there were no VHS cassettes yet, let alone DVDs. Unlike my kids, I’ve rarely watched the same DVD repeatedly with the exception of “My Fair Lady,” and “Singin’ In the Rain” (my all-time favorite).  I think the phenomenon of seeing movies repeatedly began with “Star Wars.”  Maybe some more knowledgeable film buff than I can confirm this?

* We had the funniest episode the other morning when we discovered a tiny field mouse in the house.  As David was screaming while standing on the kitchen table, my wife and I did our best hockey imitation, with brooms, with my assist sending the mouse to her broom for a perfect “sweep” outside the opened patio door.  Score!

*  Why is it so easy to gain weight and so hard to lose it? It is the same with working out.  You lose muscle tone within days of laying off and getting it back can take weeks.  I guess I’m complaining because I’ve been blessed my whole life with a fast metabolism that allowed me to pretty much eat whatever I wanted and, on those rare occasions when I did gain weight, I could work out a bit harder, cut back slightly on those sweets, and lose those few pounds in less than a week.  Sadly, that’s not the case any more.  Maybe this is payback time?

A late-in-the-season ski accident hobbled me for a couple of months during which time I did the sensible thing and ate myself silly.  Fifteen pounds later, my wife pointed out my “pregnancy,” as it was all stored in my belly.  Now, several months further along in the term, to use this analogy to death, it’s still there and may even be growing.  This time, the extra working out isn’t helping.  I do know that I haven’t cut back on the eating enough yet, so I guess I will have to take more radical steps to lose this bowling ball I’m carrying around, as my wife so lovingly calls it.  It’s not fair, said in my most whining voice.  My mantra to our sons is “life isn’t fair”—so why am I complaining?


* Both of my parents are now gone. Being the last and oldest remaining adult in my immediate family is a very melancholy and often scary feeling.  It’s a sense of mortality, obviously, but also responsibility.  Now, who will remember family history and family genealogy?  I have two cousins that are still alive, one who is turning 80 and the other who is just 60.  The latter is such a distant cousin we can’t actually figure out exactly how we’re related. The former cousin, at 80, has been the family historian and my “memory bank.”  I am grateful I have his memory to boost my failing one.

One special memory I actually still remember, all on my own, and a really “old days” recollection is when I bought tickets to see “The Sound of Music” for my mother, as a Mother’s Day present.  It was playing at a local theater in which you could only buy assigned seats, far in advance.  I picked out the seats I wanted, and bought them for my mom.  Movies, then, had both overtures and intermissions, just like “live” theatre. My mother was thrilled, we loved the movie, of course, and I felt like such a good boy.  While I miss my parents terribly, I’m grateful to have had them for so long, since they lived to be 89 and 90.

* These musings began with a story about Will.  I’d better give David equal time now at the end. On the way to school one recent morning, David asked me a question about what made Marvel comics so different and successful.  I explained, in the cultural view of the times, how Marvel paralleled the sixties and the revolutions taking place among the younger generation at that pivotal period in our country’s history.  And, that the Marvel characters reflected the vulnerability and fallibility that young people felt at the time.

Marvel characters were completely unlike the out-of-this world Superman fantasy of a baby falling to earth in a spaceship, who has super-human powers.  Superman, like most all of the DC super-heroes was just too perfect and too un-real for these rebellious teenagers and college kids to identify with.  I really got into giving his question a thorough answer and he seemed fully engaged as he asked questions throughout my little lecture.  When we arrived at his drop-off destination, as I was saying goodbye, he said “Dad, that was a great conversation.”  I sure cherish such moments.




Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years.  Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits).  When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad.  Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State.  Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating.  It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents.  He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications.  The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective.  Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally.  Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” group.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

The Day I Gave Up My Medical Career to Become a Stay-at-home Mom

Okay so it wasn’t as dramatic as ONE DAY, but I did, in essence, put away my medical career for good (unless the government changes the requirements to practice medicine, i.e., stops requiring doctors to attend residency, be licensed, be board-eligible, etc.)

I was a fourth-year medical student whose husband, S, was a second-year resident in pediatrics.  We had thought on and off about getting pregnant but the PLAN was to wait until I was a second-year pediatric resident when I would have the least amount of hours to work. 
Well, in January 2006, I’m two weeks late. Like any normal medical student, I think: I would tell my patient to take a pregnancy test just in case.  So off we go to CVS and S jokes: Wouldn’t it be funny if you really were pregnant?  At this point, I should have known a pink cross was in my future, but it took two pregnancy tests (one that night and another in the morning JUST IN CASE) for me to realize I’m pregnant.  YAY!  But wait ... what is that due date again?  Hmm... I’ll be two months into my intern year in a pediatric residency (which is the worst year of a resident’s life -- working 80 hours-a-week with 30-hour shifts (no, you did not misread that) thrown in the mix every four days most months of the year).  And my husband will be a third-year resident in the same program ALSO working 80 hours-a-week although less months of the year.  When we put our name on the daycare waiting list at the hospital the following week, we found out it is open from 6:00 a.m. to midnight.  I started imagining my baby there at midnight.   And I was not happy.  I spoke to many moms who are able to be great pediatric residents and great moms.  But I had a sinking feeling as this little boy grew inside me that I was not one of them.


Soon I rallied and I thought: I can do this!! Just not THIS year.  I’ll just take a year off after graduating medical school.  Lots of people do it.  I only have to resubmit my application in November when my son is 3-months-old.  But, I reasoned, he’ll be almost a year when I begin my residency, and my husband will be working an 8-5 job with most weekends OFF. 
So only I will have be gone a lot.  Just me.  Gone.  A lot.   


I waddled down the aisle and accepted my medical degree in May with my shiny new plan in place.  I pushed my son out in August.  Mom, M.D., doing her thing.  But as November loomed closer and I hadn’t slept in months and my husband was working 30-hour shifts, I just couldn’t do it.  I ignored the upcoming deadline for as long as I could, but finally called my husband at work.  I’m not going to apply for residency.  He said: I know.  I told my friend K.  She said: I know.  I seemed to be the only one not in the loop.


I realized over those first few months that I was not capable of being the mom I want to be and work that much.  Some people can.  They are AMAZING women.  But some people can’t.  They are ME. 

Honestly, I was (am?) shocked that I’m built to be a stay-at-home mom.  If you had asked me the month before I got pregnant, I would have said: no way.  I will never stay at home.  I am a working mom.  Period.  I have NO desire to be a stay-at-home mom.  I thought that the best mom that I could be included me working.  I was wrong. 


Staying at home is hard, but it’s hardest on my ego.  I often avoid telling people about my medical degree because I know that without a residency, I can’t practice.  When I tell them, I feel like I have to tell my whole journey.  (Although I’m pretty sure that they are just making small talk -- no one envies the guy who asks me THAT question at the dinner party.)

When I am feeling uncomfortable with my decision, I think: I’ll eventually do something with the medical degree.  But maybe I already have.  Maybe it’s in having a little extra knowledge while I take care of my children.  Or help out friends with their medical questions.  I love hearing stories of others who found callings outside of the hospitals because I want to have a career once my children are in school full-time.  But I can’t ever see myself spending 80 hours-a-week away from them.  Maybe I’ll focus on my writing full-time. (Don’t hold me to it. I know better than to make any predictions these days.)


Did I waste my time?  I don’t know.  Would it have been nice to know all this before I got pregnant?  Heck yeah!  I would have picked a career that I could go back to in five years.  Nursing.  Teaching.  Law.  But I also trust that I made the decision to attend medical school with the facts I had at hand so I must have been meant to get the degree.


I know that staying at home with my (now two) children is the right thing for me today.  And I still stick the M.D. at the end of my name when I feel like it.  Because I earned it.  And whether my pride sometimes tells me I could be “more,” my heart tells me to stay put.  Because there is no more or less. I am no more or less than the moms who are doctors.  They are no more or less than moms who stay at home.


PS.  My story is my story.  I have no judgment on moms who work or moms who stay home.  I hope that my post reflects this -- I know that I’m delving into a controversial topic right off the bat.  I heard a study once (on NPR?) that moms who work part-time are the happiest.   But I’m pretty sure it’s the moms who can choose to do what they feel in their hearts is right for them.  I didn’t have as much choice in my decision as I would have liked (part-time-medical-residency isn't much of an option, trust me), but even if I had, I would have eventually realized that staying at home is for me.  It may have just taken longer and maybe another degree.

This post is written by Alex Iwashyna, a happily married (seriously!) mom with a BA in Philosophy and a Medical Degree and the drive to become neither.  She is hopefully this writing thing will pan out.  Follow her rants on twitter.com/failebg but be prepared for baby poop and liberal bias.

Vision in Children

Imagine that while you are reading this paragraph, the words became fuzzy and faded into gray. Or imagine that suddenly the paragraph became double or the words were distorted. Would you want to read or do schoolwork? Probably not. Would you feel distracted and frustrated? Certainly. You would be experiencing one of many common vision conditions that exist in children. However, many children do not complain of vision problems because they don’t realize they have a problem. Screening tests may detect some problems, but there are also many more serious hidden visual problems that occur in children.

Some common visual conditions in children include:

• Nearsightedness (myopia): Objects at near are in focus, but objects at a distance are blurry.
• Farsightedness (hyperopia): Objects far away are in focus, but objects up close are blurry.
• Astigmatism: Objects such as letters are blurry, distorted, or may seem double.  This may be noticeable both at distance and near.

These conditions are often treatable with glasses. Many parents wonder, “How young should a patient be treated for these conditions?” It depends on the magnitude of the condition and the age of the child. The greater the magnitude, the more likely that treatment is necessary to allow proper visual development. However, a certain amount of these conditions are normal for young children. For example, some studies have found that 30-50% of infants have significant astigmatism, which declines and becomes stable by 5 years of age.

Visual demands become greater as a child learns to read and write. Approximately 80% of learning is dependent on the efficiency of the visual system. It is estimated that 20-25% of school-aged children need glasses.  A child should receive a full eye exam by an eye care professional such as an optometrist before entering school. The American Public Health Association (APHA) recommends that children have eye examinations at the ages of 6 months, 2 years, and 4 years. After age 5, children should have their eyes checked either every year or every other year, depending on the condition of their eyes. Other more serious visual conditions include:

• Lazy eye (amblyopia): Objects are out of focus usually only in one eye due to poor development of the visual system. 20/20 vision is not obtainable with eyeglasses or contact lenses.
• Strabismus: One or both of the eyes turn in or out due to poor alignment of the eyes.
• Convergence insufficiency: The eyes have difficulty turning inwards while focusing on near objects. This may result in double vision while reading.

These visual conditions may require more specialized treatment such as bifocal glasses, eye patching, special eyedrops, or vision therapy. New treatments are now available and vary depending on the condition.

Does your child have a vision problem? Look for the following symptoms:

• 
  
  Squinting
  
•  Holding a book very close to the eyes (7-8” away)
  
  
  
• 
  
  Frequent eye rubbing
  
  
  
• 
  
  Closing one eye
  
  
  
• 
  
  Headaches
  
  
  
• 
  
  Blurry or double vision
  
  
  
• 
  
  Tilting the head
  
  
  
• 
  
  Short attention span
  
  
  
• 
  
  Avoiding near work
  
  
  
  

If your child experiences one of these symptoms, he or she may be suffering from a vision disorder. A thorough examination from an eye care professional is necessary to determine what treatments should be prescribed. In fact, many doctors feel so strongly about the importance of early eye exams that they provide free eye exams for infants ages 6-12 months. Please visit www.InfantSee.org for more information.

The gift of sight is a precious asset that enables a child to perform to their highest potential. Vision should be protected and preserved as much as possible in children as they undergo their critical period of development!

Posted by Dr. Amanda Paull, OD (and mother of 2-year old Angela) of Richmond, VA. Visit her website at www.RichmondOptometry.com

Toe Fetish

Every child has a comfort habit. It might be normal, like thumb sucking. Or you could be one of those "lucky" parents whose kids have a completely unique and sometimes awkward, habit. Like me. Leave it to my kids to find a habit that can actually gross me out. And I'm hard to gross out.

I've noticed the past few weeks that while Ashe happily sits down to watch his favorite tv show that once in awhile he's munching on his toes. No, I did not make a typo there. You read it right. He munches on his TOES.Don't ask me why, I've been scratching my head in bewilderment and anytime I ask him why he just shrugs and goes back to nomming on his big toe.

The first time I witnessed this I froze mid step and watched in awe as I noticed his tiny toddler body contorted in a way that would make any Yoga Master insanely jealous. My eyes wandered from head to toe (ok they were touching so I guess that goes without saying) taking it all in. I think it took me about 20 seconds for my mind to actually comprehend that his toes were in his mouth and he was happily sucking on them. Then I gagged (have you ever seen little boys bare feet after running around the house? I mean I have a clean.... ok as clean as you can get with 3 kids.... house but STILL!!!!!) and went over to him.
"Ashe take your feet out of your mouth."
"SMFSUREHFS?"
"I cant understand you. Take your feet out of your mouth."
"HDSAIUWSJTHRRRG."
"Count of 3 Ashe. 1....2...."
"I SAID WHY MOMMY? WHY FEET OUT OF MOUTH?"
"Because it's gross dude!!! Do you have any idea where you're feet have been?"
"YAH. IN MY MOUTH!"


You can't argue with logic like that.

Socks don't work. Even before this issue started Ashe was adamant about taking off his socks the moment he got inside. Slippers worked for only a day until the novelty wore off. Shoes aren't worn in the house because Soren likes to sprawl on the floor and Ashe is notorious for not paying attention to where he is walking already. So I just have to catch him in the act as many times as possible and try to get him to quit it. So far it's not working so well.

And it's not just HIS toes either. It's toes in general. Anytime Sorens little toes are out in the open Ashe will come by grab his little feet, and kiss them to death. He's gone for my feet once or twice but a good Mommy glare and a quietly growled "Don't you even think about it Mister" has kept him at bay so far. If only it were that easy to get him to stop chomping on his own little digits.

I'm really at a loss as to how to handle this. Xavier was a thumb sucker for just a little while and I ignored it until he stopped on his own by age 4. Soren is no where near old enough to start developing his own odd habits. So this is new territory for me. If he doesnt stop on his own am I going to get phone calls when he starts school from the teachers asking me to pick up my son because he got stressed out during a pop quiz and ripped off his sneakers to chew on his pinkie toe? I keep imagining that he wont stop and will have a toe fetish as an adult. I guess I might have to try to influence him towards foot models as a potential spouse. I can already imagine having "The Talk" with him and adding in the footnote (ha! that's funny) that NO means NO and that includes toe munching.


Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll grow out of it soon. In the meantime, I'll just do my best and try to get him to stop if I catch him in the act and try to redirect his attention to something more yummy. I'm not above bribery by any means. And it could always be worse. He could have attachment issues to something even weirder, like underwear. There is that to be thankful for I guess.


This post written by Brittany (Rhaven at trianglemommies.com). Visit her blog at
http://suburbanrebelmom.blogspot.com/

A Dad's Point of View: My Son Has the Swine Flu – A Daily Journal

We just went through the swine flu with our older son, Will. We didn’t panic or allow the hysteria of the msm (mainstream media) to scare us. His first reaction was simply, “Darn, I’m going to miss Halloween.” I believe our media have become hysteria mongers, as well as all too often focusing on their agenda vs. objective reporting. They devote way too much time to subjects unworthy of so much coverage, such as the balloon boy or the tragic deaths of celebrities.

With the swine flu, we’ve been deluged with scare reports from the media, ignoring the fact that each year tens of thousands of Americans die of the regular flu. As with AIDS, the panic is over-wrought and generalized to scare everyone when the reality is there are more at-risk groups for just about every such illness.

I kept a daily journal of our experience, which follows. I hope it’s helpful to all parents and people in giving a more realistic view of this strain of flu. I still caution everyone to be careful, see their doctors, and otherwise be smart about washing hands, but hope you will have a better perspective of this than the media has foolishly scared us to think.

Day One –Will is sent home from school as the nurse called to say he had a mild fever. We put him to bed, took his temp, and called our pediatrician. He had a 101 fever, a slight cough, but otherwise seemed fine. The pediatrician’s office said to give him Motrin, fluids, and see if he still had a temperature tomorrow and, if so, to bring him in. Later that evening, his temp was just 100 and he was feeling pretty good.

Day Two – Will woke up feeling fine and actually wanted to go to school. We thought better and kept him home and in bed. Later, when his temp was still over 100, we took him to the doctor. 20 minutes after they took a swab, we got the diagnosis – he had the swine flu. They prescribed a Z-pac (5-day dose of antibiotics) and TamiFlu. By now, he was complaining of some aches and pains and a general soreness throughout his body. He also was complaining about missing Halloween. My wife told him that we were going to have to cancel the party she’d been planning for weeks because of his infection and he actually quieted down and realized he wasn’t the only one affected. A pretty amazing realization for a teenager!

Day Three – He’s sleeping in late, so we haven’t taken his temp yet. Was playing his guitar when I went in to check and it was normal. When I asked him how he was feeling, he replied with total teen contempt, “I feel fine,” which really meant, “I’m fine, why do I have to stay in my room, why can’t I go out and enjoy Halloween.”

Day Four – This morning Will apologized for being moody and grumpy. He doesn’t understand why he has to still stay home when he’s now feeling fine, just four days after getting sick and three days into his 5-day course of meds. I told him, per his doctor, that after the five days of meds, if he goes another 24 hours with a normal temp, then he can return to school. The funny part is he’s so bored; he actually wants to go to school. His temp is still normal.

Resignation has set in. He knows he’s not going to talk his way out of his room and back to school. It’s sort of like the stages of grieving, according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. My son was in denial, then anger, and now is in “acceptance.”

Day Five – Last night, Will got a surprise visit from his girlfriend, her step-dad, and another friend. They talked to him from outside his room, through the window, for a few minutes. It was both a boost and a reminder of his “in prison” status.

One amazing thing has happened with his forced lock-down time. He’s actually reflected on plans for the future. A teenager reflecting on anything? As he’s always loved music, demonstrated real talent, as well as developing a lot of knowledge, he’s decided he wants to go to a music school and learn production. While he still wants to be a “rock star,” this sort of mature alternative planning is quite the anomaly for him.

Today, his temperature is still normal. His energy is high. If this is the worse the swine flu throws us, I’ll consider this family extremely lucky. This afternoon, he even went out to the garage and played drums for a while.

Tomorrow is his last day of meds. If he’s got a normal temp for another 24 hours, it’s back to school for him and this episode will have been easier than a lingering cough or cold. Amazing. And, as yet, no one else in the house has got it, though one of our dogs came up lame for a while (she’s veeerrrrryyyyy old).

A friend of his just got diagnosed with swine flu and they thought they could hang out together as they’re both already infected. Are they nuts? Nope, just teenagers.

Day Six – The drama awaits us of whether he’ll have a temp today? He finished his course of meds and today will determine if he can finally leave his confinement. He was all ready for school when I came in to take his temperature. I sat with him, patiently waiting for the results. Normal. Off to school.

So, what did we learn from our bout with the swine flu? Simply, don’t listen to our Vice President, don’t listen to our media, and DON’T worry about it if you’re the average person. Yes, if you’re in one of the risk categories, be extra careful. Also, and we did this constantly and no one else has so far contracted it, have hand sanitizer everywhere in the house. You can’t overdo it.

Finally, and I’m dead serious, if you have a child that is stuck home with the swine flu and ends up like my son, with negligible symptoms, your biggest problem will be his boredom. Help him or her out with books, CDs, DVDs, etc. If they don’t have a computer or TV in their room, move one in just for the duration.
And, most of all, don’t panic.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan gave up his showbiz career a decade ago to raise his two boys, full-time, now 13 and 16. His internationally syndicated column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is his take on the challenges of parenthood and male/female issues, both as a single dad and now, newly remarried, in a blended family. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” group. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

Note: Bruce Sallan is not a doctor and this column is not intended to be giving medical advice.  It is about his experience with his son and the swine flu, and his belief that the media may have exaggerated and scared the public about its risks. Regardless, you should take every precaution, consult your doctor if there are any symptoms, and to secure proper information, go to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) web-sites - http://cdc.gov/h1n1flu/sick.htm

Fraud and Deceit

"Fraud."

"Deceit."

They are both such ugly, ugly words.

It is basically the equivalent of calling someone a liar.

It's defined in the legal dictionary as "the intentional use of deceit, a trick or some dishonest means to deprive another of his/her/its money, property or a legal right."

In Arkansas, you can sue someone for deceit. In order to recover for deceit, the Plaintiff has to prove the following five elements:

(1) that the Plaintiff has sustained damages;

(2) that a false representation of a material fact was made by the defendant;

(3) that the defendant either knew or believed that her representation was false or knew or believed that she did not have a sufficient basis of information to make the representation;

(4) that the defendant intended to induce the plaintiff to act or to refrain from acting in reliance upon the misrepresentation; and

(5) that the plaintiff justifiably relied upon the representation in acting or refraining from acting and as a result sustained damages.

According to the Arkansas Model Jury Instructions, "[a] fact or statement of fact is material it it was a substantial factor in influencing the plaintiff's decision. It is not necessary, however, that it be the paramount or decisive factor, but only one that a reasonable person would attach importance to in making a decision."

I think an illustration is in order.

Let's go with the swine flu vaccine. Obviously, everyone knows that supplies are limited at this time, and not everyone who wants the swine flu vaccine will receive them while supplies are so limited. The Bitlet was able to get both the swine flu and seasonal flu vaccines, because she is only 6 months old and is among those most at risk of serious complications from the swine flu. Stephen and I have not yet obtained the vaccine, because we aren't in the priority groups.

Others identified as belonging the priority groups for H1N1 include pregnant women, household contacts and caregivers for children younger than 6 months of age, healthcare and emergency medical services personnel, all people from 6 months through 24 years of age, and persons between the ages of 25 and 64 years of age who have health conditions associated with higher risk of medical complications from influenza. This list is available at the Arkansas Health Department's website.

With the limited supply not everyone is going to receive the vaccine on demand at their convenience. In fact, a recent caveat was added recently that children ages 5-18 with underlying health conditions, such as asthma, for example, would be added to the priority groups that could receive the vaccine at the mass flu clinics that were scheduled in our state recently.

Not every 5-18 year old child is going to get the swine flu vaccine at the free mass clinics--just those who have health conditions that place them at a higher risk of complications from the flu.

Imagine if a parent takes his child to a free mass clinic and is advised that his child cannot have the vaccine, because it is being reserved for those children in that age group with specific health conditions. So the parent leaves and goes to another worker and tells her that his son has asthma and, as a result, obtains the vaccine for a child that does not, in fact, have asthma.

Is that fraud or deceit?

Let's look at the elements of deceit again:

(1) that the Plaintiff has sustained damages. Arguably the state has sustained damages in this case, because the State has paid for the limited quantities of vaccine that are currently available to those who have been identified as being the most needy. The vaccine is not being distributed for free by the pharmaceutical companies. The State paid for it for specific persons clearly identified by representatives of the State. A child of a certain age who doesn't have an underlying health condition, such as ashtma, doesn't qualify. So if a vaccine is administered to a child without the complication, then the State is out that money, and another child is out that dose. Arguably, there are damages.

(2) that a false representation of a material fact was made by the defendant. I think this element of the tort of deceit is satisfied by one who lies and claims that his child has asthma or some other respiratory condition, when in fact that child has no such condition;

(3) that the defendant either knew or believed that her representation was false or knew or believed that she did not have a sufficient basis of information to make the representation. If the parent truthfully tells one worker that his child is not eligible for the vaccine, leaves, returns to the clinic, and tells another worker that his child does have an underlying respiratory condition, it could be said that he knew that his representation was false.

(4) that the defendant intended to induce the plaintiff to act or to refrain from acting in reliance upon the misrepresentation. The parent had already been told that his child was not eligible for the vaccine, and returned to the clinic and concocted a respiratory condition that had not existed that morning in order to induce a state employee or volunteer to administer the vaccine to a child who was not in the high-risk group. I think that the parent who intended to obtain the vaccine and was willing to lie in order to obtain it could satisfy the element.

(5) that the plaintiff justifiably relied upon the representation in acting or refraining from acting and as a result sustained damages. If the State employee or volunteer administered the vaccine believing that the child had a respiratory condition, when he or she would otherwise not have administered the vaccine to that child, I believe this element is satisfied.

Fraud and deceit are ugly words, but the use of fraud or deceit is ugly as well, particularly when it means that you have basically determined, unilaterally, that your own family's health and welfare is more important than someone else's. If a vaccine is given to a child who did not fit the criteria, while another child who does fall within a priority group is denied a vaccine, and it is due to the dishonesty of a parent, it is ugly. It is uglier still, when more quantities will be made available in the future. It's not like the State got quantities to be distributed for free and no more would be made available in the future. The State got quantities for those who most need it now, and more will become available in the future. Everyone will get the vaccine who wants it -- in due time.

Not when we want it, and it might not even be free, but it will be available to all.

Taking it, when you know someone else is identified as needing it more, rather than waiting your rightful turn is wrong. It's deceitful, and it's fraudulent.

And I suspect it is happening on a fairly consistent basis.

At the same time, we are talking about our children. That creates a dilemma for parents. Is it okay to lie in order to obtain a vaccine for a child when the experts are reporting that children are dying from the disease the vaccine is designed to prevent? Many parents would say, yes, even if it is a lie, or deceitful, or amounts to fraud against the State.


This post contributed by Caroline Curry Lewis. View her website at http://attorneyatmom.blogspot.com

Costumes and Candy Tax

I was yelled at the other night for not blogging fast enough lately. On the one hand with a sick husband and preparations for Halloween I haven't had time to slurp my coffee down hot let alone blog. On the other I felt pretty dang happy I got yelled at. It means people actually read my ramblings. Yay!!! (and as I sit here frantically typing as fast as I can I hear Ashe whining for me to fix Lego batman on Wii, despite the fact I told him 86 times I refuse to do Wii and if he wants to play it he's on his own dude.)

Halloween was last weekend. I am a huge fan of Halloween, as a person and as a mom. It means making goofy crafts, figuring out the best faces for Jack O Lanterns, finding awesome costumes, begging strangers for candy instead of me (ha!) and of course, my candy tax. I started the candy tax the first year Xavier was old enough to eat candy and actually go out begging for sweets. When he was so little he couldn't eat half of the stuff he got so by default it became my own. Ok I shared with J a little bit. He got the Baby Ruths and other candies I don't like. As I sat there sorting his plunder the first year, my feet achy from carrying the little tyke all over our neighborhood, I realized that parents deserve some of the candy for all the hard work we do on Halloween Eve. We lug our kids around from door to door, off and on carrying their masks, their pumpkin baskets, flashlights, capes, and sometimes kids themselves. Yet society on the whole frown upon Moms and Dads asking for candy too. Yes, we can go buy our own, but seriously, whats the fun in that? Not to mention you get a much better variety of treats on Halloween. So thus the candy tax was born. Depending on the age of the child and how much work I have to do while they gallivant from door to door determines my percentage of candy commandeering. The older they get and the less work I do, the less of a percentage I take. So I figure by the time they are 10 the candy tax will be no more. Ok maybe down to 1%. Now before you start thinking I'm this evil mom who steals her kids candy, realize I don't take much. And I'm lenient and let the kids offer to me the candy they don't want for the most part. Honestly, the kids fully understand this concept and are down with it, no complaints. Instead of sneaking candy from their baskets without them knowing I'm upfront and honest about it and we have some good respect and communication vibes going on.

This year we had a little theme going on costume wise for the older two. Xavier was Darth Vader and Ashe was Yoda. In order to ensure Ashe knew who he was dressed up as we taught him the Weird AL Yancovich song Yoda (sung to the tune of Lola.) For 2 weeks we listened to him sing it. Non.Stop. Oddly enough it never got old. I think hearing a tiny 2 yr old voice singing Yoda just cant get old. Of course with 2 Star Wars Enemies in the house there have been a lot of light saber battles going on, with full out sound effects, the occasional bonk on the head, a flurry of apologies before Mom comes stomping downstairs to take said light sabers away and hugs. I'm normally not a proponent of toy weapons (no toy guns in the house although we do allow swords and shields since not many people walk around with swords these days) but after the past week of them play fighting and all the apologies and hugs since they wanted to keep their light sabers I may have to rethink my stance on it. I haven't seen the two boys get along and act so affectionate towards each other before, barring the bonked heads.


As for Soren, I finally got my way in regards to infant costumes. When Xavier was an infant I found the coolest costume. Everyone dresses their babies as pea pods or pumpkins or cats. Of course I wanted something unique because I'm weird like that. I searched online until I found what I was looking for. A Pine Fresh Air Freshener costume. Unfortunately fate was against me for 2 out of 3 kids. Js mom had made a costume for Xavier so we couldn't say no. Then by the time it was Ashes first Halloween he was too big to wear it. But this time around Soren was small enough this year. So I bought it, and persevered despite Js comments that I was going to emotionally damage our child by humiliating him when he was old enough to see the pictures. I retorted that sometimes that's what kids are for, especially for their first Halloween costume. I don't care what anyone says. You don't dress up your babies for themselves. You dress them up for your own entertainment. They cant have candy, they don't have an opinion on costumes, and they wont remember it without visual reminders later on. And if it really bothers them they can take it out on their own children when they become parents! =)


However I doubt we have to worry about emotional damage. Despite J's grumblings Sorens costume was a hit. And when it came down to actual trick or treating, he wore it for all of 10 minutes before he passed out costumeless in the Moby wrap. So Soren, if you read this blog 15 years from now, I love you, you were not emotionally damaged, everyone thought you were the coolest baby, and you only wore it for a little while. (There, hopefully that caveat covers my behind in therapy bills in the future.)

Trick or treating was normal. We went out for about 90 minutes, Xavier racing as fast as he could from house to house trying to garner the most candy. He did pay more attention to his surroundings this year as last year he whcked his head on a mailbox as he ran. I was thankful for that. Ashe tried to keep up for about 20 minutes then decided he had enough and hung out in the stroller, only popping out every third house to go ring the doorbell. Soren was comatose on my chest, and J and I strolled along the sidewalk calling out which houses were ok to go to and which were not depending if porch lights were on or off.

By the time we got home Xaviers pillow case bag was dragging from the weight of candy and Ashe had a decent haul himself. We sat down for some serious negotiations. I got away with 15 minisnicker bars, 2 twix, 1 kitkat, and 1 nestle crunch. Xavier was given a full Hershey Bar that he was kind enough to try and share with me, but I told him it was special and thus all his to eat. Both boys came away with enough candy to last them until Christmas easily, I got my chocolate fix, and all was well with the world. Already the two older ones are thinking ahead of what they will dress up as next year. And I'm starting to plan ahead for the next big Holiday.




This post submitted by Brittany (Rhaven at trianglemommies.com)

A Dad's Point of View: Can Families Avoid Playing Favorites?

Sitting in Starbuck’s the other day, waiting for my car to be serviced, I sat next to a mom who shared a “dirty little parenting secret.” Her kids, and she and her husband, have “favorites.” She gets along better with their younger child while her husband gets along better with the older child. I believe that this is natural, ubiquitous, and something most parents are ashamed to admit.

The only thing to be ashamed about is if one’s actions show overt favoritism. I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words, though I know some religions believe that what is in one’s heart is what matters most. I strongly disagree with that philosophy and believe that what is in our hearts or minds only matters if we act on it. We all have occasional thoughts of doing something that we shouldn’t. When we hold those in check, we’re being responsible.

Parents would not be human if they didn’t relate to the child that more mirrored themselves, their personality, their likes and dislikes, etc. Similarly, parent may like one or another child at different times in their lives, due to behavior, interests, temperament, etc. And, let’s face it; we all know genetics don’t mean clones, as each child can be so different in looks and personality.

My boys are so different in just about every characteristic. My older son mirrored me, almost to a “T” while my younger one was more like his mother. However, for me, while I recognized and occasionally felt frustrated by this difference, I kept it inside and scrupulously avoided favoring one over the other.

Sadly, their mother (now my ex) copied her own family’s poor behavior and favored our youngest son. This became exacerbated during our separation and divorce, creating different but equally troubling problems for the boys and their feelings of security, safety, and parental love. My oldest responded with anger, while my younger son chose the “pleaser” route, never wanting to rock the boat.

I actually found myself working extra hard to overcompensate for her behavior. I questioned every punishment, every granted privilege, and many other parenting choices with the analysis of a judge, weighing the pros and cons to excess. In fact, I know there were times that I may have actually gone overboard in this regard, by punishing one too severely and letting the other off too easy.

Yet, my younger son, having grown up witnessing this horrible prejudice from his mother, was overly sensitive to anytime he felt I might have favored his brother, thinking the reverse would happen with him. Yet he knows, as the more cooperative child, the one who always does better in school, that his brother receives far more consequences than he does.

The Starbucks mom and I discussed this and agreed that our best efforts at compensating and not playing favorites might not be how the children experience it. This is like the foolish sexual harassment laws in which the perception of the “harassed” is the sole determinant of guilt. The same may be true with our children and their perception of our behavior and possible favoritism.

In this case, I have to side with the child’s perception and argue for extra vigilance on the part of parents. If David feels I’m favoring his older brother, I must look hard and deep at my actions rather than just be defensive. Unlike the aforementioned sexual harassment laws, I do believe that the child’s perception should be considered more seriously than a parent’s intentions.

This also applies to our interactions with our spouses. When my wife says, “You hurt my feelings,” the female mantra and my wife’s mantra, I often reflexively say, “No, I didn’t.” And, naturally, she immediately charges that I can’t possibly know her feelings. Of course, she’s correct, no matter how hard I try to defend my actions. This is exactly the same with our children on favoritism matters. My younger son is probably extra attuned to it, on the lookout for it, and may often be projecting an inaccuracy.

It doesn’t matter. I have to work that much harder to assure him that he stands in equal status with his brother. I know he does in my heart, but that isn’t always enough. As stated earlier, it’s our actions that matter most.

Obviously, the same may apply in the other direction. A child will naturally often prefer one parent over another due to treatment related to discipline, fun, amount of time together, etc. That is why there is the stereotype of the weekend parent being the “good guy” who only takes the children on fun play dates, buys them things, and is otherwise a “yes” parent.

This is a sad situation when it occurs, but I believe it’s incumbent on the primary parent to hold the line and retain standards of behavior and rules. Remember that most children know the difference, ultimately, between the “fun” parent and the “real” parent who puts in all the time, rain or shine, sick or healthy, good times and bad. After all, that is what parenting is all about.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.