A Dad's Point of View: Persistence--The Only Thing That Works

A recent e-mail from my oldest friend, a college professor, stimulated me to reflect on how we search and find work, as well as in small business how we promote and sell ourselves. On this subject, I’ve observed my teen son’s failed efforts to find a summer job. And, finally, I’ve thought about my own recent efforts in designing and launching my own website (www.brucesallan.com). For me, throughout my life, there was only one thing that worked and it was persistence. I believe, especially in our present economic times, persistence is the primary thing that works.

My old friend the professor had a whole list of very sharp suggestions on how I could better brand (contemporary slang for identifying yourself or your company, as with Nike’s swoosh) my site, my work, and myself. They ranged from hiring a consultant to doing informational interviewing, as well as developing an “elevator speech” (means exactly what you’d expect—a short enough description of your work that could be told in an elevator ride), and much more. As I read and digested his suggestions, I was struck by the fact that my initial reaction was “this is just too much work” and “I like my style better.”

And, what is my style? It’s in-your-face persistence. It’s not taking “No” for an answer and not letting my ego get in the way of following up, repeatedly, on warm leads, to quote my wife’s real estate term for someone who seems interested, but hasn’t committed. This is what I tried to teach my teen son, who just made a lazy and hardly serious effort to find a job when, in these times, he’s literally competing with adults who are looking for minimum wage filler jobs.

He understands very well that he won’t be allowed to drive, since he’s turning sixteen in the fall, unless he meets a couple of conditions. First, he must maintain a “B” average, as insurance rates for teen boys with less than a “B” average are significantly higher. Second, he must contribute to the cost of his driving by earning money--whether in the form of a part-time job, or an entrepreneurial effort. I’ve hoped that some of my recent success in starting a second career would inspire him, along with my frequent lectures on making more of an effort. But, we know how teens tune us out and he’s had the mute switch turned on for quite some time.

The part I truly don’t understand is that Will, like most American teen boys before him, especially in Southern California, can’t wait to drive and gain the independence it brings. He also fantasizes about getting his own car, knowing we won’t be giving him a designer BMW on his birthday like too many parents do in our somewhat upscale area. He knows that he has to have the grades and has to have the income to even have the privilege, and I emphasize that word, to borrow one of our cars. But, his efforts on both counts lack the persistence that I’m advocating.

I don’t want to immodestly praise my own recent efforts, but they are good examples of exactly how it works and what I mean when I say that persistence works. I decided to become a writer, a columnist concerning parenting and male/female issues, at a time when the newspaper business is struggling on a scale that competes with our major car companies’ struggles, as well as a time when Internet magazines and papers haven’t fully figured out a profitable model.

In spite of these obstacles, I’ve been fortunate enough to secure a large number of papers and websites to carry my work. It took thousands of e-mail promotional messages and many hundreds of follow-ups to the “warm” respondents (those that expressed some interest but hadn’t committed) to get here. I’m proud that in a relatively short time, I have a large national presence and a growing international one (I am carried on sites in the U.K., Canada, and India, with one in Australia beginning in the fall).

If I allowed my impatience, ego, or pride to intrude, I’d be back at square one, staring at my computer screen and wishing for results. My son quit at round one, with a few applications at a few places, eliminating those jobs he didn’t like by not applying, and not aggressively following up on most, if not all of those where he did apply. As a result, he doesn’t have a job nor has he figured a way to do odd jobs or other income producing tasks in our neighborhood.

He won’t be driving when he turns sixteen and that lesson is essential regardless of how bad it makes him feel. As his parents, we must not give in to his hurt feelings or feel bad when other of his friends are given more license, so to speak. I can’t motivate him beyond what I’ve already offered and that is the part of being his dad that is so frustrating, since I so want him to benefit from my failures and successes, but I also know he’s got to learn himself and that these harsher lessons will teach him much better than any of my lectures.

But, I will continue to be persistent in my message to him, continue to try and teach him even when I see the mute button is on, and hope that everyone might learn from my assertion that it’s persistence that works best in finding a job, completing a task, or even pursuing a romantic partner.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

A Dad's Point of View: Words That Hurt, Words That Heal

Most of us gossip without giving it any thought whatsoever. Yet, its effects can be so damaging and full of impact. Our kids face this sort of thing in high school in ways we couldn’t have imagined long ago. With the advent of instant communications, whether it is instant messaging, tweeting, or immediate photos and videos, the ability to communicate to a wide swatch of people is available to everyone. I used to think Polaroid cameras were pretty cool.

So, when our kid is captured doing something embarrassing on someone’s phone video, it appears that evening on YouTube. When a kid chooses to expose him or herself via these sorts of instant means, it is done without any cost or time to even reflect on that decision. When that’s done, it’s “out there” forever. I think this all comes with a high cost. The benefits are good, on occasion, as with the recent election backlash in Iran, where the government couldn’t shut down outside communication due to the existence of these pervasive tech tools.

But, in our everyday lives, gossip is destructive. You may think it’s fun to browse the tabloids at your local newsstand or while in line at the market, but private gossip among family and friends is what I’m referring to in this column. What we say or write can hurt or heal as is so powerfully written in Rabbi Joseph Telushkin’s book on the subject, called “Words That Hurt, Words That Heal.”

He cites a prohibition about gossip called “Lashon Hara,” which literally means “the evil tongue.” It essentially outlaws gossip, true or false, about others or even one’s self. The thinking is so basic. Once you say something, especially if it’s not true, and it’s gone the “telephone game” route, it is impossible to take it back. Even if it was said as a joke, the damage is forever. Further, an apology to the victim won’t repair the potential damage to the collective circle of friends and acquaintances.

I’m reminded of an incident that took place at one of my men’s group weekends. We often gather in circles and clear with each other--our term for expressing our negative feelings. At one of these circles, one man wanted to clear with another and called him into the circle. In front of the whole group, he fully disparaged the other man over a business dispute. The hurt displayed on the other man’s face was incalculable and there was no way for the rest of us to know what was true and what wasn’t. But the doubt was placed there without any chance for the truth to be known.

I’ve never forgotten that day, as we were all so stunned that we didn’t react fast enough to stop it. The man that was disparaged was so embarrassed (and I suppose hurt) that soon afterward, even though he was long a leader within our men’s circle, he dropped out completely and severed relationships with all of us. I still feel that was an over-reaction, but it demonstrates the power of words. I cannot look at the man who did this without remembering his intemperate behavior.

Our kids do this without even thinking a second about it. My teen was the subject of some bad-mouthing that caused him to leave a whole group of friends and start new relationships. The things that were said about him were silly, untrue, and malicious, but that seemed to make no difference to those who heard them. Rather than questioning the comments, or defending my son, the other kids laughed and thought it funny. My son, on the other hand, just like my other friend in the men’s circle, chose to leave rather than endure the jokes and lies, at his expense.

Think about when and if you do this? I have a bad habit of often joking at another’s expense. I like to think it’s done with affection, but is it? Men tend to do this much more than women. Guys often will put each other down as a way of actually expressing their affection. For instance, a man might say to his friend “You are one ugly dude” while punching him in the shoulder. In a more classic vein, there’s Don Rickles to Frank Sinatra (about his hairpiece); “All that's missing from that thing is the word 'Welcome!'" Rickles’ whole career was based around insults. Most of the recipients of his humor were indeed his friends. Another classic comedian who relied on this sort of humor was Groucho Marx saying, for instance, “I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”

This is a definite case of gender differences. Can you imagine a woman saying to another woman friend, “You sure look ugly today,” or “boy, that wig is so obvious,” or even worse, “Honey, you are sure looking fat?” A man might say the same thing to a friend, with a smirk and a wink, and all would be fine. Or would it?

Laughter aside, my point is simple and echoes the passion about this issue that Rabbi Telushkin so eloquently writes in his book. Stop it. It’s not funny. And, it hurts.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

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A Dad's Point of View: Summer Vacations Are for Parents, Too

Remembering Chevy Chase in those summer vacation movies reminds me of the fact that most so-called “family vacations” are, at best, vacations for the kids and torture for the parents. I’m generalizing, of course, but most generalizations as well as clichés, have a strong basis in truth. I stand by the proposition that we parents usually need a vacation after our family one, if only to recover and rest.

This summer my younger son, David, got to spend several weeks at the sleep- away camp he loves, while my older son, Will, is indulging his passion for rock ‘n’ roll at a Rock School where he’s taking drum lessons, and participating in numerous bands and concerts through the school. He’ll also be living, figuratively, in our garage with his own band, driving the nearby horses crazy, or am I mistaking their thrashing about as dancing?

My wife, Loren, is going to Vancouver to be with her parents while her mother undergoes some serious surgery. She intends to stay until her mother is well and to support her father during this precarious time. I’m holding down the fort at home, while still writing, and working to give my new website (www.brucesallan.com) the attention I naively believe it deserves.

My assertion is that parents need vacations, too, and not just a date night or weekend away. We need to recharge, regenerate, and have the peace-of-mind of not worrying about our kids’ daily needs or squabbles, while also not worrying about feeding them or making sure that they do some of their chores. Notice that I wrote “some” as in the expectation that “all” is impossible. If we, as parents, don’t get to release some of our stress, it just accumulates and that does no one in the family any good.

How often do we actually take vacations without the kids? How much do guilt, finances, available time, and other factors dictate our vacations as only being of the family variety?

My marriage is still new, since we married at the end of last year. So, we are determining the structure of our lives now. Many incidents, which we call “life,” have already intruded on various plans, not the least of which is my wife’s own sinus surgery and painful and lengthy recovery that followed, which totally altered some of our plans this past winter and almost derailed our honeymoon. We are wise enough not to pout too much when these things happen (well, at least my wife doesn’t pout), but can’t help but sometimes feel a bit sorry for ourselves when they do.

My wife and I believe strongly that we need our separate time (from our sons). The boys have the pleasure or pain, depending on how they feel at any given moment, of having their dad at home all the time. I work out of the house, and take the lead role in their transportation needs, so they see more of me than they may want to at any given time.

Consequently, my wife and I aren’t feeling too guilty about planning a trip for just us two next March. We are reuniting with friends that we made on our honeymoon earlier this year, and have something special to look forward to while we go about our regular daily business of work and family. My wife continues to put in full days at work and comes home to often cook us wonderful meals. We help with the clean up, but she’s still the major cleaner in the house. I take care of most of the shopping and daily “kid runs.”

In summer, the parenting duties are less, but with a teen in the house, my job is to be vigilant about his whereabouts, his friends, what he’s watching on all his screens, and generally try to keep him alive. My influence, otherwise, is negligible. On the other side of the equation is my “tween,” who requires more attention and actually wants to do things with me. Both boys sleep late during the summer, so my best quiet and work time is the mornings. After that, it’s a jumble of running around and juggling their needs and whereabouts.

My wife and I both deserve a break, at some point, and our boys will survive just fine. In fact, they may both enjoy themselves, if we have the same sitter as we had last time, and not notice our absence much at all. We, on the other hand, will appreciate the romance of our forthcoming trip, without the regular interruption from the boys, and have a little time to invigorate ourselves, our intimacy, and come home all the more rested and prepared to deal with the next crisis.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.