Welcome 5 new mommies communities!

It is with great pleasure that we announce that our TMN family is growing! The Mommies Network opened five new sites on Friday July 31st, 2009.

BlueRidgeNCMommies.com is a free community for moms in McDowell, Rutherford, Polk, and Mitchell Counties, North Carolina.

HamptonRoadsMommies.com is a free community for moms in southside of Hampton Roads, Virginia.

KeyWestMommies.com is a free community for moms in Key West and the Lower Keys, Florida.

NorthDallasMommies.com is a free community for moms in Collin and Denton Counties, Texas.

TacomaMommies.com is a free community for moms in Pierce County, Washington.

Welcome to The Mommies Network!

A Dad's Point of View: My Kids Aren’t Me, in Spite of Sharing the Same DNA

I think the hardest lesson for me in becoming a parent was learning to let go of my expectations for my sons. Okay, I’ll be completely honest; I’ve only been able to partially let go of them. I think it’s impossible not to have some wishes for our kids, but the focus here is really on how we have specific things we hope they’ll like or do that often mirror our own interests or fantasies.

When I was a member of the Big Brother organization it had the unexpected effect of turning out to be a parenting prep course. The “Little” (the term for the kid you are matched with) I had was a young eight-year-old girl who totally didn’t like doing anything physical. This was before I was married, let alone before I became a parent.

In those days, they matched girls with Big Brothers, something that is all too rare today, due to fears enhanced by the media and the exaggeration of sexual harassment. Another topic for another column, for sure, as the little girls without fathers need the “Bigs” just as much as the little boys do, so this is a terrible loss for them.

My image of parenting or being a Big Brother, at that time, was going to the park with my kid and playing ball. The memories of playing catch with my late father are among the few strong memories of my youth. He was a workaholic, by necessity, and I saw way too little of him, although I knew that he loved and cared for me. So, the occasions when we’d do things together stood out as special and I expected and I hoped to do the same with my “little” as well as my future children.

Because she was uninterested in anything physical, I had to be creative in finding outings for us to do, and find things we’d enjoy doing together. As luck would have it, when I did become a parent, neither of my sons was athletic or interested in doing much physical activity either.

At first, this was a disappointment until I reflected on my relationship with my “Little” and realized, as demoralizing as it may have been, that my kids aren’t me. What a shock! They might have interests and desires of their own. Even as young kids they exhibited strong desires that were often at odds with my hopes and expectations for them. The vanity that we, as parents, often feel about our kids is really expressed in these sorts of interests. When your child does do the sports you do, listens to the music you like, and enjoys the foods, movies, and restaurants you do, let’s face the fact that it feeds your ego and is gratifying.

But, that isn’t what parenting is about. It’s about allowing your children to discover their own passions rather than mimicking yours. If you’re fortunate enough to have children that enjoy things you do, then count yourself among the lucky few. But, your job as a parent is not to make a clone of yourself.

I think where it matters, about shared interests, is with our choice of a spouse. I made the mistake of allowing my panic over not being married in my late thirties and my fervent desire to have children, to overlook the obvious differences between my first wife and me. I rationalized our different backgrounds and different interests away, in the name of love. It didn’t work.

There’s a wonderful French movie from the 1970s, which I think tells the simplest and most basic lesson about choosing a spouse. It’s called “And Now My Love,” and was directed by the great Claude LeLouch. Given the tenor of those times and the confidence, one could say conceit of French cinema; only a French director would have taken on the concept of this movie—love at first sight. The entire movie is a tease in which our two protagonists, who we come to learn are made for each other, keep on just missing meeting each other.

The scene that relates most to my assertion that shared interests are needed takes place early in the film, when the male protagonist is taken to prison. He is led to a cell where there’s another prisoner who is making coffee. An older man, he looks up and asks his new cellmate if he’d like to have some coffee and when the answer is “yes,” he asks how many lumps of sugar he takes (back in the days when there were “lumps of sugar”) to which the answer is “three.” The older man looks up, surprised at that high number, and casually replies, “When you meet a woman who also takes three lumps of sugar, marry her.” The young man is startled and asks why, to which the older man again, calmly replies, “because at least you’ll have one thing in common.”

The rest of the movie, which I won’t ruin for you, has him checking with the various women he meets whether they take three lumps of sugar or not. The lesson is simple: having a base of commonality is a key ingredient to the success of a (romantic) relationship.

But that has nothing to do with your kids. They aren’t you and other than sharing the same DNA, they are totally unique individuals. So, if they stray away from the paths you want for them, let it go and support their passions. It’s the passions that dictate our eventual success and life satisfaction. As for choosing a mate, think about the three lumps of sugar.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

A Dad's Point of View: Is Envy a Good Thing?

A recent visit to an old friend’s beautiful new home triggered a brief moment of envy for me. While I was extremely happy and proud of his accomplishment in creating such a lovely home, with so much care and detail, I also found myself longing for something similar in my life, instead of the present rental that we have. But, more importantly, I thought about how envy has occasionally motivated me to succeed and how I wonder if the same thing is happening to the present generation.

To be very clear, I believe there’s a huge difference between envy and jealousy. Envy is not necessarily a bad thing, while jealousy is almost always bad. You can envy someone’s success, possessions, friends, or family, while still feeling positive towards him or her. Jealousy tends to have a component of dislike and negativity to it, directed at the person who has those things of which you’re jealous. Also, jealousy is usually directed towards a person vs. possessions or other qualities, as in being jealous of the attention your spouse receives from someone else.

Early in my career, when I was an intern with a television company, we were housed on the Paramount Studio lot. One’s status was often measured by two very public displays. First and foremost was where one’s parking spot was on the lot. And second, of course, was what was parked there.

I remember that the prime spot on the lot was that of Robert Evans, then the head of the studio. In that spot, he parked his classic 60’s Mercedes convertible with the license plate RE 13. I later learned that the “13” stood for the number of Academy Award nominations received by “Chinatown,” the movie he produced. To me, as the young man with stars in my eyes, that car represented “making it.”

Around the same time, one day I was walking from my distant parking spot to our offices when I spotted a new gray Porsche, parked in a prominent spot. As I approached it, admiringly, owner Don Simpson, another prominent studio executive, stepped out of it. I didn’t know him, but I remarked how beautiful his gray Porsche looked to me. He disdainfully replied, “It’s not gray, it’s anthracite” (note: Don Simpson went on to produce “Flashdance” and “Top Gun,” among many other very successful feature films before tragically dying, very young).

I eventually bought both cars (not their specific cars, but the same models), a decade or so later (and not at the same time, as I have no Jay Leno stable of automobiles). How much did my envy of those cars, their parking spots, and incredible success affect me? Who knows, but it remains a powerful memory. And, I believe, it was a great motivator.

Now, as my sons are treated to excess materialism on every channel on television (especially with all the so-called reality television shows on the lives of the rich and famous--cribs, debutante parties, celebrity birthdays, etc.), will they be motivated or just jealous. Will they be inspired to work hard to achieve the success to buy whatever it is they envy or will it just make them feel like it’s hopeless?

The same applies to those around them who appear to succeed in school or other endeavors that interest them—rock ‘n’ roll in the case of Will, my teen, and manga comic art in the case of David, my pre-teen. I see that Will is completely turned on and motivated by guitarists and drummers he perceives as “sick” (e.g. teen slang for fantastic). This inspires him to practice more as he listens to those he respects repeatedly in an effort to mimic them. David tries to copy the art he most likes from the collection of manga books he’s accumulated.

So, I am seeing the benefit of envy in these cases with my boys. Will the same hold true when Will’s friends get fancy cars while he’s still, maybe, just driving my truck? How about when David goes over to his friend’s mansion down the street, loaded with all their toys and a live-in housekeeper, whose father is a relatively well-known actor?

I like to think they can appreciate both scenarios without any loss of their own happiness. At least, that’s my desire and maybe my naïve hope. If I’ve given them strong enough values, they should understand that just about anything they want is within their grasp if they are willing to work for it, put in the effort, and most important of all, not give up at the first set-back--an inevitability with just about every important or difficult goal we set for ourselves.

It’s funny, but as I’ve grown older, those things I used to desire materialistically have faded. What is important to me, now, are my relationships, my health, and doing something worthwhile with my life. But, I can’t help but remember those feelings of envy back on the studio lot when I saw the big shots, their fancy cars, and their success. I certainly was driven by this sort of desire and envy and it probably is no different for my sons. At least I hope so.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

A Dad's Point of View: Can a Relationship Survive This Much Stress?

How much stress can a new relationship survive? I am fond of quoting the cliché that most of us would rather keep our own problems vs. trade with someone else. Yet, lately, I wonder. Okay, I’ll keep our troubles, but it does raise the notion of enough is enough.

I just had a ski accident in which I fell so hard that I was knocked unconscious. There were apparently no witnesses and I still don’t remember exactly what happened since the only thing I recall is waking up on the emergency toboggan, zooming down the mountain, being loaded into the ambulance, and taken to the Emergency Room. After a bit of prodding, I knew my name and began to feel the hurt in my shoulder. Later, all my memory returned except for the accident itself, which remains a mystery.

I should be grateful that I wore a helmet, since the concussion was mild, though the injury to my shoulder wasn’t. Two broken bones, a lot of bruises elsewhere, and a rousing headache were mine after they “relocated” the shoulder (which I also forgot, fortunately).

Loren, in her fear and panic, and not being there, proceeded to criticize me for being too old to do this stuff anymore (she’s right). It seemed the culmination, for us, of just one too many stressful incidents. We’ve been married less than six months, and dating less than three years, and the number of stressful incidents in our lives seems to occur too frequently.

The short list includes two surgeries for her last year, this accident, and another hospitalization for me just months before we got married, along with the economic collapse of her business (real estate), the diminution of our respective savings and retirement accounts, my emerging teenager’s full-blown attitude, a forced move when our landlord gave us notice, and the subsequent scramble to find a place that would accept three dogs, packing and moving when we did find an acceptable place, and finally one of our dogs nearly killing our neighbor’s dog and requiring isolation and a potential indefinite prison term (the dog, not us). And, that was just the first month of our marriage (just kidding).

Laughter is supposed to be the best medicine but we haven’t felt like laughing much lately. We know better than to feel sorry for ourselves, but the onslaught of all these events have worn us down. I didn’t even mention the health scare that Loren’s father had and, more recently, the brain tumor discovered in her mom, which will require surgery (but is likely benign). How much are we supposed to handle? I tend to believe God gives us just the right amount so we should be flattered that he thinks so highly of us. But, I’d rather be further down on his list and have a few months go by without incident.

The lessons the boys got from our economy collapsing are probably good --learning to save, learning to delay gratification, maybe reading a book instead of going to a movie, etc. For us, I suppose the lessons relate to appreciating our health when we have it, our parents when they’re alive and well, and each other -- regardless of the ups and downs.

I know my parents endured multitudes of troubles far greater in comparison to ours, yet they rarely played the feeling-sorry-for-themselves card. So, I suppose my recent accident can be a reminder to me of my good fortune in surviving with just my arm in a sling vs. a Christopher Reeve, Sonny Bono, or Natasha Richardson-type accident.

Our economic adjustments pale in comparison to those losing their homes, now, in foreclosures, losing their jobs, or the mass unemployment and dislocation of so many during The Great Depression. I picture those great black and white photos of the migrant workers and that one of a woman looking so forlorn and lost, holding a hand to her face, and think how bad is it for me and us?

But, we do bicker, we do find fault. We’re not seeing the good in allowing our formerly comfortable lives to make our behavior, at times, spoiled and unappreciative of the blessings we share. So, I’ll go on record with some of the things I do appreciate about my life, that have nothing to do with the Dow Jones average or my next car or vacation.

Let’s start at the top; my wife’s pies. Really, what else in life can compare? Or her amazing salads, short ribs, roasted chicken, Chinese cooking, and more. How about my dogs’ unconditional love? The look on their faces when I get home is complete adoration. Holding my wife on a cold evening, with a fire going in our bedroom fireplace, and feeling her silky smooth skin is a treat beyond compare. And, when I come home from mentoring my fatally ill friend, with his genetic disease which will cut his life short around 30, I look at my two boys with heavenly gratitude for their good health, mental acuity, and great looks (from me, of course), even if I want to strangle my teen more often than not.

Our relationship will survive this round of stress. We’ll learn; we’ll grow; we’ll fight; we’ll make up. Life’s good, even with my arm in a sling.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

A Dad's Point of View: The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

No, I'm not writing about the movie or its wonderful music. Instead, this column will contain lists of random things that I think fit those three categories. I was driving to Mammoth, a ski resort we frequent, alone and early in the morning and began reflecting on my life. I had a rough period recently and was feeling a bit blue. I know that that feeling is fleeting and I have much to be grateful for. In fact, I know that gratitude is the key to happiness.

So, I started making a mental list of the things that I have to be grateful for, but I couldn't help but also think of some of the ca-ca (a good parenting word, don’t you think?) in my life and the world, as well. I’m going to try and stay focused on "The Good" though acknowledging and recognizing "The Bad, and the Ugly."

I believe the serenity prayer (and I'm not in AA) really says it all about how to view the world. We all get handed our pile of challenges, we just have to choose when to accept them, when to try and change them, and when to just let them go. I hope these lists give you a giggle and some good reflective thought as well. So, with that lengthy preface here they are, in no particular order, in each category:

The Good:
1. My two boys, Will and David.
2. My three dogs, especially Simon who we almost lost.
3. My good health.
4. My best friend Marty.
5. Boba, Pizza, and Coffee Ice Cream.
6. Eric Clapton, Bruce Springsteen, and Sinatra.
7. Computers (yeah, they also belong in the bad
category), MP3 Players, and cell-phones (truly, they also are a mixed blessing!).
8. Skiing, always near the top of my list.
9. Hiking in the hills and parkland, right outside my front door, with my dogs.
10. Our new home theatre with its amazing sound and picture, which makes going to the movies at home almost better than going to the theaters.
11. My good fortune in my former work-life and my luck in being able to retire so young.

12. My further good fortune in meeting my new wife, Loren (we just married this past Dec. 27, 2008).

13. My boy’s acceptance and love for her.
14. Our incredible honeymoon in Africa and its reminder of just how lucky we are, here in America, however much our economy is presently suffering.

15. My Men's Group and the amazing support they provide during the challenging times, along with the wonderful friendships that have developed there. These are friends that tell me the truth, not what I want to hear. We need to hear the truth from our friends more often. I credit them with making my marriage happen and work.

16. My growing second career in writing and the blessing that so many papers, online and hard copy, have taken my column on in a time when their industry is in such decline.

The Bad:
1. My parent’s death in the past three years.
2. My ex abandoning my kids and the subsequent psychological effects that’s created.
3. My moods and occasional whining (Loren will debate the use of the word “occasional”).
4. My impatience (especially with Will, my teenage know-it-all).
5. Hollywood and movies, reality television, and network news nowadays.
6. Lawyers.
7. Lawyers.
8. All the cruelty in the world.

The Ugly:
1. Radical Islam.
2. Bad parents.
3. Addictions.
4. Renee Zellweger (we call her lemon face, due to her puckered lips).
5. Dating (thankfully a thing of my past, now).

In looking back at these lists, I’m proud to reflect that the total of “Good” exceeds the total of both “The Bad, and The Ugly.” Yes, it is how we choose to react to life’s challenges, not whether we have them or not. We all do. And, in most cases, if given the opportunity to switch lives with someone we know well, we’d opt to keep our own bag of challenges.

A final and important reflection on this was beautifully and poignantly written about by Viktor Frankl, in his powerful book, “Man’s Search For Meaning.” I will paraphrase him, when I describe his story of surviving the Nazi concentration camps during World War II. He said that, of course, the Nazis had full control over every aspect of his life; what he ate, where and how long he slept, work, punishment, life or death. However, the only thing they had no control over was how he reacted. That is our choice, too, when we face far easier challenges, even now.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.