A Dad's Point of View: Do Men Have Strong Emotional Support in Their Lives?

Do men really have good support for emotional issues, on a regular basis? When a man reaches a certain age and he’s depressed, he’s struggling with his place in the world, he’s going through family problems or a divorce, or financial and job worries, etc., where can he turn? Add into the mix that he’s a single dad and has no immediate family around and you have my situation, a few years ago.

When my marriage first broke up, I was blessed to find a circle of men that supported and guided me through the horrible ups and downs that followed. No, it wasn’t some beer-drinking group of women-haters, nor a drumming in Indian war paint Robert Bly-type of thing. It was regular men, with regular problems, getting together and talking about the real stuff.

I’ve stayed with this group, through various incarnations of men leaving and joining, for going on eight years now. Unlike the stereotype beliefs of men’s groups, ours completely supports parenting and a man’s relationship with his spouse and children. But, unfortunately, this is unusual, as men don’t tend to maintain their close male relationships after they marry, have children, and get further into their careers.

This is a classic case where the men and women differ greatly, since women, even if they’re working, tend to maintain their female friends which provides a regular outlet, in which to vent, to discuss, to get feedback, and to get help. It isn’t always healthy to go to your spouse with every question or concern you might have. As women tend to be influenced more by their feelings, it’s really helpful to us male slugs, that they can bounce something off their friends, before hitting us with it.

Let’s say, for instance, that one spouse has gained a considerable amount of weight. This is clearly a delicate subject and how the thinner spouse approaches this completely determines whether there’s any chance for success. Let’s face it; certain subjects always seem difficult, like talking about one’s sexual intimacy or money issues. Our communication can often be based on assumptions and things that have nothing to do with the other spouse. This is where the feedback from the men in my group often seems to save me from myself before I swallow my foot whole, in the process of making a fool of myself with my wife or boys.

As this relates to parenting, I believe it becomes equally important for men to have other men to turn to. Dads and moms are role models for their children. Study after study confirms the importance of both mothers and fathers in their children’s lives. We teach our children how to be the best men and women they can be. Support from our same-sex friends is a useful form of checks and balances that our own instincts won’t always get right.

Also, and this is key to my marriage, I have these men to talk to before I allow a feeling to erupt into saying something or taking an action that I’ll regret afterward. More often than not, the men will help me to see that whatever I think is such a big deal just as often is in my head or unrelated to me altogether. This sort of help, in which my group sees clearly what I can’t see, is invaluable. It is the classic case of being too close to the situation to be objective.

To be clear guys, I mean same-sex friends, not female friends. Women friends will tend to tell us what we want to hear, to nurture us, when what we really need is a kick in the butt and a tongue-lashing. That’s where men with men make a real difference.

It’s natural to react to our spouses and take it personally, but it’s better to talk it out with your male friends before doing something rash or impulsive. In this regard, I credit the men in my circle with saving my dating relationship, during the rocky times, with ShortRib (my wife), getting me to the altar before she completely blew me off, and improving my relationship with my boys.

So, this column is a call to men out there to seek more male friendships, apart from male friends within other couples, foursomes at golf, other sporting associations, or via your work. How many of those men really open up to you or vice versa?

I know in my previous work-life, within the corporate and cutthroat world of showbiz, that reacting off-the-cuff was usually suicidal. Waiting another day and reflecting, seeking outside counsel, became essential to making good decisions and taking the right action. I equally believe that we need to look at our personal relationships in the same light.

If you men don’t have men friends that you can really talk to about your life, then get out there and find them. Start your own group at a local coffee house, away from the women, or through your church or synagogue. Make the topics of discussion personal and don’t talk just business, which is the fallback talk position, after sports, for most men. The men in my life support me, but they don’t coddle me or tell me what I want to hear; they tell me what I need to hear. We all need that.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

I’ll Get the Next Round

I was laughing the other day and my youngest noticed that when I smile I get “crinkles” around my eyes. This amused her to no end, and got me thinking.

I was never someone who minded the whole getting older thing. I was the one who looked forward to turning 30 because I was done with the 20s. I was the person that left the grey alone, almost proud of it. Never minded my “crinkles” either. For me it was almost like a map to my past, a way for me to remember where I had been.

And yet here I sit today, alone, waiting on my girls to come back from the weekend with their father and I realize that I now own wrinkle cream and the grey has been hidden under hair dye.

I’m wondering at what point did I decide that I needed to look younger? Why was I ok with aging while married? Maybe it was the fact that my husband had watched the process over the course of 16 years? I’m not really sure. There’s one thing that I am sure of though, you can’t stop it. You can hide some of it, but it’s happening either way.

There’s a great line from the Sex and the City movie that has been in my head for a few weeks now….it’s something like, your 20’s are for having fun, 30’s are for learning your lessons and your 40’s are for paying for the drinks.

I’m learning my lessons now. I’ve got 4 years to finish that up and then I’ll pick up the tab. ;-)

This post was written by Jess, a member of LakeNormanMommies and CharlotteMommies. You can read her blogs at www.serdinsky.org/jessblog and mindlessramblingsofagirlnamedjess.blogspot.com

Routines

Do routines help in your house? They sure do in mine. It is always obvious that things are getting off track when my daughter starts having more fits and attitudes and we need to buckle down on the routine. You know how it is, you start off great, then life starts to get in the way and slowly you get off track with your whole routine. The house is not being cleaned when how and when it should, the kids bed time is getting pushed around...its a vicious cycle in my house.

We have gone through a really intense past year in our family. We had some family stuff happen (I won't bore you with the details) and we ended up moving in with my grandmother to help care for her and the house. A month after that, we ended up moving my mother-in-law down here from Iowa to live with us. She was dying of cancer and there was no family around her to help take care of her where she lived. So we had a full house, and my routine went straight out the window. I was suddenly not only taking care of the house, my daughter and my husband...but now I also had my elderly gramma and my terminal mother in law to take care of. Talk about stress. I tried to keep everyone on a routine and for a couple of days it would work, and then Life would get in the way and I would get tired and well...it just would be forgotten. We were all just basically trying to survive it all. Within a few months, my mother in law had passed away and that took a load of daily stress off of us, but there was the grief and the dealing with her estate and a whole new set of stresses. Then my gramma took a turn for the worse and had to be committed to a geriatric psych ward for a month and now is moving into a group home for people with her same issues today. Finally though, we are back to just us - my husband, my daughter and myself. I am trying to get us all back into our routine and its a struggle, but I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

During this whole time though, the one constant, never changing thing was PhoenixMommies.com. My friends encouraged and supported me through some really tough times. They brought meals for 2 weeks, started before my MIL even passed. That was a huge thing to us. They let me gripe about the stress, they offered advice when they could but the biggest thing was just knowing that I had them, my girls, to turn to was huge and I will forever be grateful for that. That is what The Mommies Network is all about after all, moms supporting other moms. What a wonderful gift.

This post was written by Chrissy Thomas, Site Admin for PhoenixMommies.

A Dad's Point of View: Don’t Take It Personally

I know my column is from my personal perspective, and often about my personal life. Yet I feel this topic is more confessional than many others and affects me too often. I take things too personally. Having this deficiency is truly toxic when you are raising kids or beginning a new marriage, both of which define my present state of affairs.

Let’s give some examples and see how many of you relate to them. Easy ones are when ShortRib (my wife) isn’t smiling, isn’t talking much, or doesn’t respond quickly to an e-mail, or text of mine. I always assume that it’s my fault or something I’ve done.

How about my boys. I have a teenager, GuitarHero. Am I crazy or what? Teenager; what do I expect? His interest in me is practically nil these days as his friends and music dominate his life. So, where I used to be the sun in his life, I may now just be the bank. My younger son, JugHead, is the one most attached to his new step-mom and has always had an affinity for women. Now, I feel neglected by both my boys. Thankfully, I still have my dogs that, at the very least, will lick me incessantly.

In all seriousness, I know this problem is ubiquitous, as it is so often a topic in my men’s group. I haven’t mentioned my men’s group in my column before, but will ultimately devote a full column to it and the value for men of having other men in their lives. As men grow older and have families, their relationships with other men tend to take a backseat to their work and immediate family. This is not good and I will write about this soon. Regarding this tendency to take things personally, our group regularly blasts each other for taking our wives’ reactions, our bosses’ reactions, friend and kids’ reactions, as personal attacks or reflections on ourselves.

Really, we’re not that important. More often than not, whatever is going on has nothing to do with you/me and that is an emphatic point in our group. I’m smart enough to get it, but too thin-skinned to let it sink in. And, the irony is that there’s an easy solution to this. Why not just ask? And, why is that so hard with our spouses, in particular?

Another example occurred on our recent Spring Break ski trip. One of the passions ShortRib and I share is skiing. It was the first thing she put in her profile, online:
“Do you ski?” Yeah, we met online which is another story for another time. She is actually a slightly better skier than I, though I tend to be faster (her reaction on reading this was to say “slightly” with heavy sarcasm). It was a cold day on the mountain and she seemed to be lagging behind, moody, and not skiing at her usual brisk and aggressive pace.

What do I do? I take it personally. I don’t ask (and she didn’t offer). We almost got in a fight when she said she was going to quit in a manner that just felt hurtful (I really am thin-skinned). It turns out, once we actually talked about it, that she was very tired from a lot of recent stress and her reactions to me, this day, had nothing to do with any feeling about or towards me nor was it the result of anything I’d done. But, I took it personally.

We realized, as a couple, how often we do this to each other and, again, this is where asking what’s up would have been easy and shown concern and compassion. I wish I could do it over again. Thankfully, she often comments on how we’re learning, growing, and getting better at communicating all the time. But, we’ve lived a lot of life before this second marriage and many years being single. Adjusting is our ongoing challenge, in addition to all the changes she’s had to make in marrying a man with two boys in the house full-time. Kudos to her. I need to acknowledge that more often.

The true goal for a parent should be to raise independent human beings that can ultimately survive and thrive in the world on their own. GuitarHero is mostly doing exactly what he should be doing at this age, learning his limits, stretching his boundaries, and not depending on me, except for moral and financial support, though I think only I care about the moral side of things. JugHead had been living without a mom for so long, as my ex-wife and his biological mom left years ago, that I should view his affinity for ShortRib as a wonderful blessing (and it is).

Early on in my parenting life, I had to let go of the dream that my kids would share my interests. This too, was another case of taking it personally, that they didn’t like my favorite foods, movies, music, and especially my avid interest in certain sports. Fortunately, I didn’t allow this disappointment to show up in my parenting so they were largely unaware of these unfulfilled hopes and expectations. My experience being a Big Brother really saved me in this area.

This is the risk that we parents take when we put too much of our heart, soul, and identity into our children. I have been and still am, at times, guilty of putting too much of myself into my boys. As I’m a man and was a full-time dad for so long, it was sort of natural that I take my identity from this job. Most men view themselves through the prism of their work and being a dad was my job for so long. Thankfully, I recognized what was happening and re-invented myself, career-wise, in the form of writing this column among other writing efforts and volunteer work. My identity no longer revolves totally around my boys and none too soon, with my boys growing up and needing me less and less.

The bottom line is don’t take it personally. I’m writing this to myself and to you, my readers. Ask the question when you think it’s personal; recognize that kids are completely self-centered and upon entering their teen years, completely out of control of their emotions, let alone their changing bodies. It usually isn’t about me/you. Get over yourself and be a better parent, spouse, or friend as the result.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

Friendship

I just wanted to share a story about how the friendship of women can help you through some of your darkest moments. My father had cancer. The ladies in my area group on CharlotteMommies were constantly praying for my dad and even had their children make cards for him when he was in the hospital. They were so kind and supportive during his illness. Unfortunately, he lost his battle with cancer on Jan. 21, 2006. My family was devastated.

Upon making arrangements for visitation and the funeral, several out of town family members called to ask if they could stay at my house. Of course I agreed, but with two 4 year olds at home, it wasn't in the best shape for guests. A few of the members of my AG came over that day and helped me get the house spotless. A few other moms asked if there was anything I needed and I said I hadn't had the chance to get to the store and needed something to serve my guests for breakfast the following morning. I came home from my moms house that afternoon to find grocery bags full of cereal, bagels, muffins, coffee, tea, and a refrigerator full of milk, juice, and bottled water. Then the next day, my sister and I were trying to make sure that we were covered for a meal after the funeral due to all the out of town guests and a call went out again to the mommies. They responded with sandwiches, cookies, cakes, veggie trays, and enough food for our entire extended family.

A few days later when I finally had the energy to login to thank them all, I found a post where a new mom who was being storked had asked that the remainder of her meals be delivered to my house so that I would not have to bother cooking for a while. I broke down in tears immediately. There are no words to describe how these women, some of whom I had never met before, came together and helped me and my family make it through one of the worst times of our lives. I will never forget their kindness, their generosity, and their friendship.

These are the women you will find throughout the Mommies Network and they are the reason I volunteer my time to this amazing organization.


This post was written by Chelle, a member of The Mommies Network Operating Board.

A Dad's Point of View: Will the Kids Ever Leave?

What an interesting contemporary question: will our kids ever leave? I left home at sixteen to go away to college and never returned, except for visits. I stayed close to my parents, and they did help me financially through college, though I worked every summer to supplement my education expenses and pay for my own spending. ShortRib (my wife) and I wonder when will our kids be independent enough to afford to leave?

The other day I talked with a mother who has two teenage daughters. One is graduating from high school this year while the other has two more years to go. I asked what were their plans, and had she discussed it with her husband, and I was surprised to hear she had no clue. Neither she, her husband, or the kids really knew where the girls were heading, especially when it came to the idea of supporting themselves with a real job, after college.

Her kids have had short-term minimum wage jobs, enough to pay for the occasional designer jeans they love, but certainly not enough for life, as we know it. It seemed clear that they were going to have to support their daughters through college, but then what? From everything I’m hearing from other friends, this is more typical than not of the current state of preparedness of our kids to live on their own. And, more and more, the kids are returning home after college still unprepared to support themselves and, now, with the added problems of diminishing job opportunities.

My older son, GuitarHero, will be turning sixteen in the fall. He has begun looking for a summer job with the expectation that he will make about $16,000, enough to buy the cool Scion that he wants. When I asked him about the math and began to talk some reality to him, he just adjusted his time frame, but still doesn’t seem to understand the costs, let alone what take-home pay is. With taxes and other charges, when one buys a car for $16,000, he is more likely to actually spend more than $18,000. All this is irrelevant if he doesn’t have a B-average, which he is struggling to maintain. Our family rule is “no B-average: no license, no driving,” which he has understood for a long time.

Is this naïveté among my sons’ generation rampant or have I really failed in providing my boys a financial education? I think it’s a combination of both, as I have had numerous discussions and implemented various financial limits and expectations on the boys. For instance, when they were younger and well before our country’s present economic troubles, I gave them a book allowance one summer. It was $5 a week, which meant if they wanted a $25 book, they had to wait five weeks to buy that book, which was the case with one big coffee-table book that GuitarHero wanted. He waited. Jughead, being the younger one, just couldn’t wait and always found a book within his budget.

When the national financial meltdown happened last fall, we sat down, the four of us, as by then ShortRib was living with us, and went over our day-to-day expenses and put in effect various changes, including suspending any allowance and replacing it with doing extra chores to earn specific amounts of money. We stopped eating out as often and implemented other cost-saving measures. The boys seemed to be both in shock and denial, understanding the words coming out of our mouths, but not really digesting them.

So, when GuitarHero spouts the nonsense that he might earn so much money for a not-yet-secured summer job, I worry. We’ve talked about it and he’s smart enough to revisit his expectations but I know he has a lot to learn about money. He’s asked if he can have his own bank account once he’s got a job, to which I readily agreed. I said that he would need permission, however, to spend any more than $100 at a time. Will he really save money or will he follow the path of many Americans these past few years and maintain a zero saving rate and spend all his paycheck, the moment he gets it? We’ll find out, as learning by living it will hopefully teach him better than another lecture from Dad.

While ShortRib has taken on the role of stepmother wholeheartedly, she can’t help but ask, in our private moments, what our plans are. She doesn’t like the idea of the boys living with us indefinitely, as she believes they should and need to learn to lead independent lives, outside the home, even if we offer some financial support along the way. She’s completely right, yet this dad has to admit that I’ve grown accustomed to their faces, to misquote the title of a song from my second favorite movie, “My Fair Lady,” and the idea that they may live with us, after high school graduation, while going to community college AND working, doesn’t fill me with dread. But, that is not what ShortRib signed up for when we got married, as our lives are very affected by the responsibilities of taking care of the boys. She’s been a total trouper so far. And, she deserves that this problem be addressed seriously.

I don’t know the answer yet, but I know that I don’t want to wait until one is graduated and the other is just behind, as my friend has. For now, we’re going to do our best to instill in them more financial common sense. We’ll teach them how to save (with their own bank accounts), hold them accountable for securing and holding onto part-time jobs, as well as allowing them to suffer the consequences, by not bailing them out, for any of their failures in these areas. I can hope this will work, can’t I?

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

The Legacy of Being Left

I'm still struggling. Suddenly I'm a single mom. Suddenly my life is turned upside down. Suddenly it's been four months. Every minute of every day is sometimes a challenge for me. There are days where I honestly think that I'm finally ok and then for some reason, no reason actually, I know that I'm not. I realize that I'm a role model for my girls, that how I handle things now will show them so many things. I want to show them that women can be strong, but I also want to show them that loosing someone that you have loved can make you weak, and that crying is ok. Being sad is ok. I want them to see me be sad and then see me stand up. I want them to know that if they are going to love, to love 100% to throw their entire heart and soul into it. That being hurt is part of it, and that they too will survive heartbreak.

I want them to know without a doubt that I have tried, that I did and still do love, and that letting go was not what I wanted, but loving someone enough to make choices you don't agree with is ok.

Those are my hopes for my girls.

The amazing thing to me was and still is, that when I was in crisis, women I knew well and women I barely knew came to my side. They stood by me, they helped me stand, and they encouraged me daily to smile. They let me stumble when I needed to, and they still do. But they have always been right there to help me get back up. All because 3 ½ years ago I moved to NC and I joined CharlotteMommies, which branched off to LakeNormanMommies.

If someone told me then that my life would be where it is now, I’d have never believed them. If someone told me then that I’d have an amazing group of women surrounding me then…well yes, I’d have believed them 100%.

This post was written by Jess, a member of LakeNormanMommies and CharlotteMommies. You can read her blogs at www.serdinsky.org/jessblog and mindlessramblingsofagirlnamedjess.blogspot.com

A Dad's Point of View: Mother’s Day and the Women in Our Lives

As Mother’s Day rolls around once again, I find myself reflecting this year on the different obligations we feel towards those mothers in our lives, at different times and passages in our lives. As this is the second Mother’s Day since my own mother died, I can’t help but remember her with the fondest recollections, avoiding the sad, last, and declining years of her life when a stroke took away her sparkle and delightful personality.

Call me sentimental, but I can’t help but offer items of tribute to my mother, and just a few of the better memories, as they serve to remind and help me to be a better person whenever I think of them. My mother used to say about friends that if you want perfect friends you won’t have any. This would come up when I’d be disappointed in the behavior of a friend and I can still hear her words today when I feel let down by a friend. But, my reaction is tempered by remembering her words and the friendships she held onto for decades, by not carrying a grudge.

My mother also suffered the loss of two of her three children, something that as a parent myself, I can’t imagine. I became the only child, yet instead of being over-protective, she and my father (who passed away four years ago) encouraged me to explore the world - “go and see, do, and experience” were their words - versus keeping me locked up out of fear that something might happen to me. Contrast this attitude with the almost lock-down parenting approach of so many parents today. They allowed me to go to a ski camp when I was twelve, go away to college when I was sixteen, and to explore Europe without an itinerary of any kind when I was eighteen.

The freedoms and support that they provided gave me the opportunity to see and experience the world, and I’m forever grateful to both of them for everything they gave me. My mother always had a smile on her face, always had a kind word to say, and was always interested in people. I still marvel at the fact that I’d bring home a long-time friend or girlfriend and, within minutes it seemed, my mother would find out something about them that I never knew.

People opened up to my mother because they could feel her goodness, her care, and her concern for them. Ultimately, I picked up her technique and have become a pretty good interrogator myself, getting people to reveal things to me that they then would express surprise at doing. Thank you, Mom, as it is a terrific skill and one that brings me closer to people from the beginning.

After surviving breast cancer, she became a volunteer at a hospital encouraging other cancer victims to get on with their lives. She formed a support group that was called “the boob girls” and each year a celebratory lunch would be held in honor of surviving another year post-mastectomy. That was the kind of woman that my mother was. She is a great reminder in not allowing life’s bumps-in-the-road to define you or allow them to make you constantly unhappy.

Unfortunately, I didn’t marry a woman like my mother and ended up in an unsuccessful marriage. That isn’t unique, but what was different about our separation and divorce is that my ex-wife, the mother of my two boys, pretty much abandoned them completely. It was a shock to all of us when I found myself raising two sons virtually alone.

But, in the first years after she left, I still felt compelled to teach them to remember their mother on her birthday and Mother’s Day with at least a card; whether it was homemade or store-bought. As her communication occurred less and less, and even occasionally was hostile and irrational, I began realizing they had learned the lesson of respect toward their mother enough and now should be allowed to choose for themselves whether to remember her on future Mother’s Days. Keep in mind that we have no phone number for her, only a post office box that may or may not be accurate.

When I was blessed to meet and marry ShortRib, my new bride, it gave the boys and me a wonderful chance to start again. We could do those little and special things for her that they had no heart for with their biological mother and could no longer do for my mother, their late grandmother. So, we plant little surprises in the house for ShortRib, make something special for her, or take her out, and each boy buys or makes cards and gifts. It’s a loving Mother’s Day, the way it’s supposed to be, but I still can’t help but miss my own mother a great deal. Her wisdom in this often-confusing world we live in would be a blessing to still have. But luck and some hard work (dating was and is hard work) gave me the good fortune of finding ShortRib and having a loving mother in the lives of all three of us boys.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

Mother, You Drive Me Insane

“Mother, You Drive Me Insane”

Thanks kiddo. My 11 year, my girl on the cusp of womanhood, has decided that I drive her insane. Really? Seriously?

Why you ask? Oh well, I have stripped her of all things she held dear, her Nintendo DS, The Wii, her TV. I promised that if the 11 year old attitude kept up she would be left in her room with nothing but a pencil with no eraser and a blank sheet of paper. Now in her eyes, I am the worst mother ever. The whining about being bored has almost made my ears bleed. It’s 2009, how in the heck can anyone be bored? No, with all that is out there for her to do, with the sun shining and air warm, she decides to whine at me….practically non stop all day. Her younger sister joined in just for kicks today, apparently not finding anything else to amuse herself with either.

In the 5+ hours it’s taken me to write this, while chugging coffee and eating whatever they’ve left on their plates, my children have systematically chipped away at the little sanity I cling to.

Who needs sanity anyway? Better to be happy and crazy, than unhappy and sane I think.

This post was written by Jess, a member of LakeNormanMommies and CharlotteMommies. You can read her blogs at www.serdinsky.org/jessblog and mindlessramblingsofagirlnamedjess.blogspot.com

Where Do You Hide Your Chocolate?

I'm Jess. I'm a mom of two always well-behaved girls (and if you believe that I'll have what you're having and make it a double). They are my heart and soul, but are enough to drive me crazy all on their own. They're so lucky they're cute.

I’ve been a parent for 11 ½ years now…and I still keep waiting for the handbook to fall from the sky telling me what to do (I am also still waiting for my gadget arm to sprout too so I can stop balancing my latte on my nose while holding onto 2 kids while unlocking my car door and texting ;) ). But the handbook never shows up (neither does the arm), so I wing it. Sure I stumble and sometimes I may even fall, but my daughters always know that I love them, even if I screw up royally (and believe me, I have). I am shown every single day how much they love me no matter what. I found a story my youngest wrote for me, I’ve since framed it and it hangs on my bedroom wall. “Once upon a time was a mom and her name was Jess and her kids M and A. Super Mom was a hero. Super Mom cooked the best food. It was so yummy that M and A got super powers and they became Super Kids and Super Mom got her powers from drinking coffee and Super Mom had pets too. They got powers from sleeping and eating.” My oldest, a moody tween, will come and hug me for no reason (ok, then immediately following the hug she may cry that I’m ruining her life for not letting her wear what Hannah Montana wears but who cares, she hugged me!).

Being a mom is a journey, that’s for sure…but it’s a journey that you’ll never be alone on (no matter how many times you try hiding in the bathroom with a organic dark chocolate candy bar).

This post was written by Jess, a member of LakeNormanMommies and CharlotteMommies. You can read her blogs at www.serdinsky.org/jessblog and mindlessramblingsofagirlnamedjess.blogspot.com

A Dad's Point of View: Diversity Is A Nine Letter Word

Diversity is a nine-letter word; so is parenting. ShortRib (my wife) and I met a wonderful couple on our recent honeymoon that, at first, we thought and they thought represented the most diversity in a couple any of us knew. In fact, they were written up as just such a phenomenon in a local paper in their hometown. David is a 55-year-old, liberal, white Jewish lawyer, while Farah is a 40-year-old, conservative, black Christian, non-profit worker. Key thing about them; no kids, by their mutual choice. However, they’ve been married 10 years and, on the surface, have one of the best rapports between couples we observed on the entire cruise and safari, where we encountered quite a large mix of couples.

Then, we began to reflect on our own differences and started to laugh. Maybe we trumped them; maybe not, but it raised for us the challenges of diversity in marriage as well as the primary subject of today’s column, diversity in parenting style. I, too, am a 55-year old white male Jew. My politics, however, tend to be more on the conservative side and my career most definitely never included law. ShortRib is closer to my age (it’s not for me to disclose her age), Chinese, Christian, and never had kids. I’d raised two boys, alone the past few years. So, we wondered, who really was the more diverse couple and who had the greater challenges in getting along.

As it isn’t and wasn’t a contest, we decided the easy course was just to make a great friendship with David and Farah, and we did. While we live in separate states, email and future trips together are clearly part of our mutual goals. They, however, don’t need to deal with the parenting challenge that ShortRib and I face daily. Our styles are just plainly different. I bring to it the experience of raising them all their lives, the male point-of-view, and my Jewish upbringing. She brings her ethnic background, upbringing and her Christian values and lack of any prior parenting experience.

Happily, we’re more or less on the same page politically and even our religious differences truly come down to only Jesus and his role in the universe. The Old Testament speaks to both of us and our values of right and wrong that come from it are the same. In many ways, our relationship is easier for me than when I had to deal with secular, far Left Hollywood in my former life and career.

But, as dad and step-mom, we diverge often. Not a new story, but an ongoing battle and struggle for us and so many blended families or just couples that married with huge differences in backgrounds and experiences. And, in more obvious ways, we reflect our respective genders and consequent instincts. She’s more the nurturer, home-maker (though I’m the one home with the boys), task-master when it comes to chores, and cleanliness, and the more forgiving when the boys are sick or hurt. I bring the tough-guy role to the party, telling the boys to suck it up and not cry when they get hurt, support ShortRib about the cleaning and such, but really don’t care near as much, and do enjoy the occasional burp and fart, which still brings tears of laughter to our eyes, while only causing ShortRib to roll hers in disgust.

We also differ on our attitudes about schooling and grades. I’ve come to believe that grades and school are given out-of-proportionate weight and importance in our society. Not every kid is destined to go to a four-year university, then on to medical or law school, or get a PHD, all the while taking every high school AP class that is available. While I wish that GuitarHero (our 15-year-old) cared more about his grades and school, I also don’t lose sleep over it. ShortRib, on the other hand, struggles all the time trying to make him into the student Jughead (our 12-year-old) is and she was, as a child.

Ironically, we both had parents that emphasized the value of an education and the importance of grades and college, so it’s odd that our styles here differ. I’ve come to view college as less the fountain of learning than the fountain of indoctrination these days. In books like “The Millionaire Next Door” and in the successes of Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and so many others (both of them did not go to an elite college and only got basic degrees), there’s ample evidence that the need for a college degree is unclear. Maybe entrepreneurial and people skills will bring more success. Maybe a year off, living and learning, after high school would be better than immediately beginning college.

On these things we disagree, though we’re open to discussion. What we don’t disagree about is the fact that our new friends, David and Farah, have a much easier time of life not having to deal with teens or kids and face these issues and choices. But, we’d not trade our lives for a minute.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.