A Dad's Point of View: The Movies

As the Awards season has ended, in the worlds of movies, television and music, I find myself reflecting on modern entertainment and feeling more and more concerned about its impact on my boys and myself, as well as our society at large. I was the rare character in Hollywood that actually cared, during my 25-year showbiz career, about what the content and impact of my work was having on the world. Would my parents be proud of what I made? Would my kids even be allowed to watch it or understand it?

Now, ten years after leaving that world behind, I find the output more and more unsettling. I go less and less and find myself retreating to books, Elvis, Sinatra and the occasional TCM movie or older rented DVD. My wife and I watched a restored edition of “My Fair Lady” the other evening and though she rolled her eyes incessantly while I got up and sang with “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly” and my favorite, “On The Street Where You Live”, the beauty and joy of the movie couldn’t be denied.

I believe the turning point occurred a couple years back when two of the best-reviewed movies convinced me, once and for all, that most reviewers and Hollywood live on a different planet than I…and I’d rather not visit theirs. Both of these movies, you would think from the reviews, were of the caliber of “Gone With The Wind”, “The Godfather”, “Casablanca”, and “Mash” (to include a comedy). On opposite sides of the content spectrum, both connected with reviewers and a sizeable audience.

“The Departed” actually won the Oscar for Best Picture Of The Year. For me, on walking out of “The Departed”, I felt like I needed a complete scrubbing down, as the amount of relentless bloodletting was overwhelming and left me feeling sad to be a human being. Moreover, I wondered was this really the best we can get from the upper tier of Hollywood? There was truly no purpose whatsoever to this movie; no redeeming characters; no one you rooted for; nothing but meanness, and gratuitous violence! Ironically, the only scene in which there was any sort of restraint was the one “sex” scene. What this raises in my mind, yet again, is what kind of society and culture are our kids growing up with and in! Will they have any understanding or compassion for human suffering or pain? Will the deluge of violence they see from video games, television, and film just dull their empathy toward real suffering, pain, and violence? Who are their heroes? Are there any villains?

With “Borat”, I had to wonder if there are any taboos, anything sacred left for Hollywood to leave alone or is everything ripe to skewer and portray? While I respected some of the humor, some of the inanity, was it really necessary to be as graphic as the scene of the men wrestling in the hotel room and outside? Were the comedies that I grew up with not funny, without having every taboo lampooned and filmed? I laughed myself silly at The Three Stooges, early Woody Allen, and the aforementioned “Mash”, where I had to return to the theatre to see it again due to all the lines I missed from the audience’s non-stop and very loud laughter.

My two boys love video games and I feel as if I’m depriving them of a “basic necessity” if I don’t allow them to indulge. They are not allowed to play “M” games (for Mature, equivalent to “R” rated movies) yet the violence they see in most of their games is non-stop. Thankfully, there are some car-racing games (though the “M” game Grand Theft Auto is unapologetically immoral and violent, evidently!), games like Mario and various sports games, that don’t idolize and celebrate shooting and fighting. Nonetheless, what value are they getting from popular culture?

This column isn’t even addressing the content of music nowadays! I think the upshot is that our job, today, raising kids involves a degree of policing and supervision that my parents and all previous generations didn’t require. I must be aware of what they read, what’s on the “screens” they watch, where they go, where they “surf” and I’m not referring to the size of the waves, and even what is taught in their classes. My values, my religion, are subject to the political and otherwise politically correct choices of educators nowadays, when in the past such “lessons” were left to the families. Do I really want my 3^rd grader getting any form of sexual education? Do I want the schools to “teach” what a family is and isn’t? I won’t even go to what is happening at most “elite” universities when it comes to anything resembling traditional family and patriotic values.

The upshot, for me, after seeing “The Departed” and “Borat”, was one in which I began monitoring what I watch much more thoughtfully and carefully and, without hesitation, limit my boys’ access to all forms of media. I felt debased, demoralized, and frankly depressed after watching those movies, so it did me no good. What might it do to my sons? Funny thing though, the babysitter that watched the boys the night I saw “The Departed”, a 20-year-old young man, thought it was the “coolest” movie of the year! Till the next one…

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

Make It Monday: Easy Homemade Play Dough

Making play dough from ingredients found around the house not only saves you money, but it's a fun and easy craft to do at home with the kids! Little ones especially love to help mix and knead the dough.


To start, gather your ingredients. You will need 2 cups of flour, 1/2 cup of salt, 1/2 cup of water, and 1 packet of unsweetened koolaid.

Step 1: Mix the flour and salt together in a bowl.

Step 2: Stir in the water.


Step 3: Knead into a clay like consistency, adding more water as needed.


Step 4: Knead the koolaid into the mixture for color and scent.


Keep kneading...


And knead some more...


Step 5: Playtime! Enjoy :)

This post was written and photographs were provided by Christine, a member of SLOCountyMommies.com.

A Dad's Point of View: Gratitude

Perspective is something that allows us to appreciate our lives, our families, and our country. Lately, with so much bad news surrounding us, and after just returning from Africa where such extreme poverty exists everywhere, I find myself reflecting on one of those “People” magazine-type stories about someone living through a life threatening experience and coming out a changed person. It’s a story I’ve shared with my boys, when they were upset about a trivial matter, as it happened to me.

Driving alone on 395, I fell asleep at the wheel. In the middle of nowhere with only my dog as company, and the cruise control set in the low 70s, I drifted off to sleep as the sun was just beginning to peak over the horizon, in spite of a Monster drink (Red Bull equivalent) and in spite of stopping several times to stretch and do some jumping jacks. Lost in thought, I just slipped away to “Neverland.” Well, “Neverland” almost became just that; never more.

Startled awake as the car drove screamingly over the shoulder, I quickly realized what had happened. Grabbing the wheel and holding on for dear life, trying desperately to control the swerving bucking SUV, I didn’t even remember if I hit the brakes. Mind going at light-speed, the car crashed through a barbed wire barrier and headed down into a river wash. Over boulders the size of large beach balls, the car literally flew nose-first into the wash. The momentum carried the car into a front side flip, spiraling over once or twice (no one knows for sure as no one witnessed it), landing right side up, facing the opposite direction.

Steaming, all air bags released, the smell of burning rubber in the air, I took what felt like my first breath. First thought: I'm alive and apparently not bleeding, though I felt a growing swelling around my right eye. Second thought: is my dog okay. Third thought: somebody up there likes me. The driver's door was stuck but I was able to pry it open. I called out my dog’s name, but he seemed nowhere to be found. Gradually fearing I had killed my beloved dog, I began circling the wreck, calling his name. Each larger circle revealed more car wreckage and parts strewn in the stream, as well as CDs flung far away and other stuff thrown from the car. After a couple of minutes, though it felt like an eternity, my dog came bounding over the edge of the river wash, from the direction we had careened from.

On first inspection, he seemed miraculously okay. But, I soon noticed a limp from his right front paw. Nonetheless, the reality that my dog and I were okay was just beginning to hit me. Now what. I reached to my side to find my cell-phone. Not there. Looked on my wrist for his watch. Not there. Heading back to the car, I searched and found my cell-phone on the floor of the passenger compartment. It was on and it had reception, though this area was notorious for intermittent cell signals. Called 911.

I couldn't describe to the dispatcher where I was, other than in a river wash adjacent to an overpass. I remembered, vaguely, the last city I passed. She asked if I needed an ambulance and I said "maybe." She said a CHP officer would be there shortly. I put my dog on his leash and went up the incline of the wash and tied him up by the overpass. On the way, I saw fresh poop, evidently from my dog that had been flung from the car somewhere on the ride. Back to the car, and a bit calmer now, I looked it over. The front right wheel was flat on the ground, like a hovercraft. The sunroof was buckled. All the air bags were opened, but now deflated. Car parts were everywhere as was broken glass, yet no cuts on me. Amazing. The car was obviously toast so I began getting together what was worth salvaging. Couldn't find my watch, which had been strapped on my wrist.

20 minutes later the CHP officer arrived. He quickly assessed the situation and determined where the car had veered off the highway, some 300 yards up the road. He tracked its direction, through 3 layers of the barbed wire fence, over the boulders and up into the wash, flipping somewhere near the bottom. He said it was a miracle anyone survived, let alone with nothing more than an apparent black eye. He also said that usually anyone (or any animal) thrown from a vehicle ends up dead; another miracle that my dog was fine. He also noted that this stretch of highway was divided and that the majority of the highway is two-lanes in both directions. So? He explained that if I’d veered off to the left, just as I had on this divided portion of the highway, but done so on the two-lane portion of the highway, I would’ve potentially gone head on into another car going the other direction. 70 mph times two; hmmm, you do the math, you figure the consequences.

And, finally, he commented that given where the car had landed, basically under an overpass, it was unlikely anyone would’ve noticed the wreck. Had I been unable to extricate myself from the smoldering car, it was anyone’s guess how long I would have been trapped. A couple of hours later, my dog and I were heading back home, in a rental car.

About 8 hours after leaving my house, in the dark early hours of the morning, I returned home. A shower revealed my only other injury, besides a mildly sore neck and shoulders, was an extremely minor scratch on my calf. Oh, the CHP officer found my watch in the car, still strapped but working fine. Another curiosity. What purpose was there for me to continue living? Why was I sparred when so many die in much calmer accidents? Would I actually make good on this blessing of another chance. Would I ever again get upset over the little stuff, such as traffic, a hang-nail, waiting in line, being put on hold, a meal not coming out just right, a crowded or late flight, a cold, a trip to the dentist, etc. Life is a miracle and I had just lived one. As we drive this particular stretch of highway often, to go to our local ski resort, I am regularly reminded of my incredible good fortune and my gratitude still holds true and strong to this day.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

A Dad's Point of View: A Hamster and Some Dead Birds

One of parenting’s biggest challenges is when to protect your kids from life and when to let them learn the truth about it. This is a regular challenge for most parents and me. When I was dating, it was unclear how much I should disclose to the boys or when I should introduce them to a woman I was seeing. When their mother abandoned them and literally disappeared, did I tell them the truth about her (mental) instability or gloss over it? When my parents were ill and dying, how much did I share with the boys about the details and how much should they witness? With my 401K now a 201K, how much do I tell them about what we’re all facing in this declining and uncertain economy?

Two stories come to mind about this subject that occurred in the past few years, in interesting and similar ways. One when it wasn’t time (to tell them the truth) and one when it was.

My younger son, when he was 7-years-old, wanted a hamster, after playing at a friend’s house that had several. Their Mommy hamster had just given birth to several baby hamsters and they graciously gave a darling one to my son. Since it was around his birthday, we went to the pet store and bought a nice hamster cage and all the trimmings. I made him promise to clean the cage, once a week, and he agreed.

Like all toys kids receive, he quickly relegated Margarita to a corner and, of course, never cleaned her cage. After all, that’s what I’m here for, right. Nonetheless, when friends came over, he was proud to show off Margarita. He’d take her out of her cage and everyone would take turns holding and petting her. She slept in a little section of the cage that had a latch, which required careful closing, or she could push it open and escape.

One evening when they had several friends over, one of the kids left that latch unsecured. The next morning, after the boys had gone to school, I noticed this and saw that Margarita was gone. I urgently searched the immediate area, but couldn’t find her. After school, I broke the news to the boys and they, too, searched everywhere and couldn’t find her. Now, the big worry, which I didn’t remind them about, was our two dogs. Thankfully, they didn’t really think about that. A night or two later, after they had gone to bed, I found Margarita, next to my bed, wet and very dead. Obviously the dogs found her. They hadn’t eaten her but she had certainly been thoroughly bathed. I did not tell the boys. I chose to let them continue to believe Margarita escaped into the wilderness of our backyard. Some of lives’ truths can just wait.

Cut to a few years later after we’d moved to a new home and a little bird had chosen to make her nest in one of our tall potted-plants just outside our front door. Soon, there were 5 little eggs and shortly thereafter 4 little birds (not sure what happened to the 5^th). We watched happily and in awe as these extremely tiny creatures grew, fed only by their mother who frantically flew away each time we opened the adjacent door. We wondered when our little ones would fly away. After a couple/three very fast and short weeks, we awoke one morning to an empty nest. All the babies were gone, and it even looked and seemed as if they cleaned up before leaving. A warm, fuzzy feeling was had by all.

A few weeks later, the same Mommy or another laid more eggs in the same nest. Same pattern; same little baby birds followed. But, this time, my younger son, then 9, got life’s harsher lesson when he opened the door the other morning to check on the babies. Rushing back inside, he was crying and screaming that they had been eaten. My older son and I scurried outside and, indeed, we saw only two of the babies, one apparently dead and on its back, the other dead and slightly bloody. My younger son quickly calmed down. We discussed life’s risks for animals; how so many do not survive. We reflected on the beauty and wonder of our first nest of babies who grew and flew away in apparent health and happiness. This time, they were ready and the boys realized that life has its harsh moments and realities.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

A Dad's Point of View: Tattoos, Rap and Saggy Pants

The journey from child, to teen, to young adult to parent seems to have similar stops along the way for most everyone. My college years were during the “age of stupidity,” as a man I greatly respect refers to the ‘60s and early ‘70s. As a love-child and soon-to-be yuppie, I was thoroughly convinced that I would be a different parent to any children I might have than my parents were to me.

Naturally, I had all the answers. My parents’ tastes in music, fashion, and politics, my Mom’s helmet style hair-do which required weekly visits to the hair salon, were all stupid, old-fashioned, and ugly. It was inconceivable to me that they didn’t dig or see how groovy The Doors, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, or The Stones were. The fact that most of them died of drug overdoses escaped me at the time (e.g. Brian Jones of The Stones in case you think I’ve missed something). So what if Mick Jagger and his remaining crew still perform, in the their 60s, when our generation famously said not to trust anyone over thirty. It seems a lost irony on most of my AARP-aged contemporaries now.

So, when I became a parent, I was sure I’d appreciate and respect my children’s tastes because they’d probably just be the same as mine. I’d enjoy their music, their hairstyles, their fashions, etc. Of course, my brilliance and confidence about how I’d parent turned out differently. In essence, my parenting was just a repeat of my own parents’ experiences with me! As with most expectations, they disappoint.

First, there was rap. Then, tattoos and piercings. And, my favorite, wearing pants that fall down to the bottom of their butts. While my teen is not allowed to have tattoos, or piercings, he makes up for it by coming home with tattoo sleeves penned at school, in class, by various of his friends (bet you don’t know what that term means Okay, I won’t make you search on Google, as it won’t be in your dictionary…hmmm, when’s the last time your kid looked up a word in a dictionary or you did, for that matter? A tattoo sleeve, as the word sleeve implies, is a tattoo that covers the entire arm, up to the shoulder). Now, as a parent we all know that we have to pick our battles and my teen son knows that tattoos and piercings are not going to happen in our house. In spite of it being against our religion, he’d love to have a tongue piercing, a death skull tattoo or, at the very least huge pierced earrings, as many of his teen friends have at ages as young as 14.

We all watch different screens, in our respective rooms or wherever they happen to be. They can watch movies on a 2-square-inch mobile device. Homework is done while multi-tasking, between texting friends, watching YouTube, and playing guitar. Ultra-violent and horrors movies are among their favorites; anything in Black & White is unacceptable.

Watching my teen son pull up his pants to cover his boxers, non-stop, truly mystifies me. Is this really an inevitable part of life’s cycle? I suspect yes. There’s no doubt that parenting today has greater challenges than for my parents’ generation. When I was in elementary school, in the late ‘50s and early ‘60s, they could trust that I could walk to and from our nearby public school with total safety, that the music I’d listen to then (before the ‘60s began in earnest) would contain lyrics that wouldn’t corrupt my youthful ears, that the movies I’d go to would also have values and heroes and villains that reflected a traditional sense of right and wrong. We watched the same television shows together, as the three networks were our only option, so when The Beatles first appeared on Ed Sullivan, I put up with the Opera singer, the Broadway singer, Topo Gigio, and the guy who spun the plates on a stick, before I finally got to see The Beatles and their shockingly long hair. But, even with The Beatles, occasionally my parents would appreciate them, like when Paul would sing a song like “Yesterday.”

As for my kids’ music, most of the band’s names alone make me crazy. I’m sorry, but it’s hard for me to appreciate songs by groups or singers called Napalm Death, T-Pain, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, and Cannibal Corpse with song titles such as “Crack A Bottle,” “Hammer Smashed Face,” “Evisceration Plague,” “Chopped 'n' Skrewed” and “Stanky Legg.”

What happened? I was supposed to be the hip parent where all my kids’ friends would confide in me, say to my boys “wow, your Dad is so cool.” I’d play for them music that they’d never heard of and think it was so terrific, discuss classic movies and television, and have deep political conversations. Not a chance. I get the same rolled eyes and glazed over looks that I gave my parents. I guess it’s karma, it’s payback time, and it’s the inevitable generation gap.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

A Dad's Point of View: It's the economy stupid, I mean, Son

I had naively hoped never to live through tough economic times like my folks did, with The Great Depression. And, while I still believe that we’re far from those dark days, it is clear that we are in the midst of the worst financial crisis of my life and certainly of my boy’s lives. There are lessons for them, for me, for all of us.

I recently got in a debate with a close friend about his wanting to get his not-yet-16-year-old a car. “He’s done well in school; he deserves it,” my friend says. This same friend is financially strapped, in constant debt, yet wants to please his son whose many friends “all have cars.” This is the ultimate juggling act for my generation of parents, who seem inclined to pamper their kids, delay their growing up, and otherwise give them everything they desire. It seems we’re all trying to compensate for some perceived slight our kids are suffering at our hands, whether it’s the dual-working parents or, in my case, the ugly divorce and absentee Mom. I feel bad for them, so I buy to assuage those feelings.

I’m hoping my boys will gain wisdom from what we’re presently experiencing. Till now, they’ve lived in the relative lap of luxury and convenience. “Let’s go to Barnes ‘N’ Noble” as an outing invariably meant buying them a book. We’ve now had discussions about how and where we will hereafter spend money. Things often taken for granted will no longer be available. I will have to live the life I preach and take the same, at times, harsh medicine I’m asking them to swallow. First, we’re cutting out all the “extras.” Yeah, that means no more Art School at $180 per month, no more Rock ‘N’ Roll School at $280 per month, no more sleep away Summer Camp, and no more exotic heli-skiing trips for Dad.

Am I damaging my boys’ remaining few years of childhood or teaching them valuable lessons about conservation (meant in the most general sense) and the value of a buck? I think the latter trumps just making them happy. I believe that learning the strength to deal with adversity, to do without, to actually have to save and delay some gratification will enhance their happiness just as they’ll assuredly face many hurdles in their adult lives. I reflect on my parents’ survival of both the Depression and the rationing and fear of living, on the Home Front, during WWII. They survived without radical scars and appreciated all the blessings that followed.

So, my boys now “check out” their books and DVDs from the library. We order them online and they have to wait till they come in. Eating out is reserved for special occasions. We go to the market ONLY when we have a full list of items to buy. The AC doesn’t go below 78, the heat doesn’t go above 68, and showers aren’t endless anymore. It’s a beginning to the end of their childhood, and the beginning of their mature-a-hood. I hope.

The other day I was helping my younger son set up his computer. He inherited my old one as I finally upgraded mine. I looked around his room and realized the extraordinary amount of “things” he possessed and that he’d known no other way of living till now! There was a TV, DVD player, two or three portable video game devices, an “old” cell-phone (we’d just upgraded to newer ones as our former provider didn’t work where we recently moved), and more boxed DVD sets than they carry at Blockbuster. And, now, his own computer, albeit a “used” one. Nah, the lessons they will learn will serve them well. Won’t hurt their old man either.

As far as a car for my not-yet-16 teen (10 more months, but who’s counting), he’s clear that he’s NOT getting a car when he turns 16. In fact, he won’t even get his license if he’s not maintaining an agreed upon grade average (a “B”). He understands that “spending money” is earned, in part, by doing his required chores and finding small jobs. He’s limited in that regard by his age, but when we recently moved and the next-door neighbor mentioned that she needed help cleaning her horse’s stalls, I leapt at that opportunity for him. His first instinct was “ugh, that’s disgusting” until I reminded him what those Starbuck’s drinks he loves and iTunes songs cost. I will provide my boys with many wonderful life experiences but they will learn to earn the extras, wait and save for the big-ticket items, and maybe, just maybe, only get to drive my car occasionally. Hopefully, if I’m lucky, this way they’ll actually move out of the house before finishing their 20’s!

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

Not So Alone

There I sat at home, alone, and seven months pregnant. About two weeks into my new role as "home maker". I didn't feel I was very good at it - at seven months pregnant folding a blanket seemed to wear me out. But at least it was one of my life long dreams: I didn't have to go to work! Right?

Wrong. At first, it was great. Sleep in, eat when I felt like it, not have to worry about how long I spent in the bathroom. I could do anything and everything I wanted to and I did. But after only two weeks of do whatever I wanted, when ever I wanted, I didn't know what to do. Suddenly the reality of being a "home maker" set it. I spent a lot of time at home, alone.

I had no coworkers. My friends and husband were at work. My family lives 6 hours away - and pregnancy doesn't really make one want to get up and go. I felt like I was going nuts. But what could I do? How do you meet other people that stay at home all day? They're at home!

A friend of mine (a guy actually) suggested finding a group online. I laughed at first thinking that no one really does that. I was thinking about something like Myspace for mommies and how silly it seemed. But I got to thinking and guess where I met my husband. Yeah. Myspace. Albeit we were acquaintances, but being friends on Myspace got the ball rolling so to speak. So I started looking around online. That's when I found TMN and AtlantaAreaMommies.

I still thought it was strange, but I filled out my application and was soon posting in the forums. I have to say, it was better than Myspace for sure! I suddenly found myself among hundreds of other women going through the same thing and women that had survived it! I was getting advice and support and sympathy! It was awesome.

Even now that I've had my daughter I have a place to ask questions and get advice. I have a place to share funny stories, pictures, milestones, and even the horrors of a constipated baby. I have a place to go to, even from home, and it make me feel not so alone.

This post was written by Kelsey, a member of AtlantaAreaMommies.com. You can view her blog at http://whenlifegivesyoupotatoes.blogspot.com

A Dad's Point of View: There's No Such Thing as Quality Time

I keep learning this great lesson. It’s something I know, but seem to have to experience repeatedly for it to sink into my stubborn head. There’s no such thing as quality time, only quantity time (with kids).

Some people actually believe that they can schedule quality-time with their kids, in which they believe their kids will open up, reveal what’s really going on, and share. They want to schedule this time the way they schedule a business lunch. But, kids don’t work on these kinds of schedules. They’ll open up when they’re good and ready and usually this will be when you least expect it, as happened one weekend, a couple of years ago, with my younger son.

I bribed him to come skiing with me; yeah, hard to believe, but he wasn’t interested. My older son was, but my younger one got cold the first time we tried and has been against it ever since. My younger one wanted to quit early, as he was tired. Instead of berating him, I supported him and told him he was doing great. I didn’t push him. The upshot was both he and his brother were tired after a couple of hours.

The same thing happened the second day. Again, I supported them. Each day, as a result, we were in the condo early. It was hard for me, as I so wanted my boys to enjoy winter sports. So, how does all this relate to the quality-time idea? Simple. I hung with my boys all weekend. I let them set the pace. I was there for them. The bribe for my younger son was a Lego he really wanted. When we returned home, he stayed up till after midnight working on it. At 12:30 he comes into my room, sobbing, that he’d broken it. I knew he was just running on fumes and desire. Gently, I coaxed him back into bed and he fell asleep within moments.

The next morning, he arose and immediately went back to the Legos. I was working on the computer and quite focused. After a while, he came to me asking for my help to fix the broken Lego. I was about to say “later,” as I was intent on what I was doing. But, I realized this was a breakthrough as he is the kind of kid who doesn’t reach out and ask for help. So, I said “sure” and went in his room and worked with him on it, finally figuring out the mistake he’d made. He was ecstatic and then didn’t want me to leave as he continued to put it together. This is the quantity time thing; staying there, being there. It was a special moment and I’ll cherish it.

It’s these moments that matter most in our lives, the little ones, like building a Legos with your 8-year-old and figuring out where the mistake was. I hope I never say “later” to my kids again. This theme was hammered home on a more recent ski trip I took with my younger son, now 12. By now, ironically, he actually sort of enjoys skiing while his older brother has given it up to pursue his rock star dreams. My younger son being more of a pleaser in general has gone along, or so I thought. So, it wasn’t clear to me if he was skiing out of a genuine interest or a desire to please me.

But I do know I wasn’t helping the cause by my impatience on the slopes, impatience with his slower speed (getting ready, moving, excitement, etc.). It always seemed all my efforts to help him with tips were in vain. By the time we’d get to the slopes my energy was negative and he felt it. This trip was different. First, we both suffered from bad altitude headaches on arrival. Taking care of him, mothering him so to speak, allowed me to further recognize he’s still a child.

Thankfully, the next morning he and I felt just fine. I made a commitment to myself that I would go at his pace, be patient, no matter what, and that the goal of this day of skiing was just to be with him. The result; we had by far our best day together skiing. My supportive energy was apparent to him, unspoken, and we communicated and enjoyed the day fully. I went at his pace, he listened to my tips, and we laughed and had a great time. And, his skiing improved more in this one day than in all our previous outings combined.

What a lesson in attitude for this Dad; what a lesson for all relationships. When you show up with an open heart, an open mind, and for the other vs. yourself, you have every opportunity to win, to succeed, to bond. This is the quality time we all strive for, though it was the quantity of time together that allowed the quality to surface. So, once again, one of my mantras came true: the only thing good about getting older is the possibility of getting better.



Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

I would have never imagined ...

When I lived in New York if you had ever suggested that I would have a child and have friends we'd never met before come over to our house to play I would have laughed at you. Can you imagine? Let alone opening up your home to over 30+ people? Little ones included, of course!

I could never have imagined it, either. Until I moved here to NC, had a baby, and found TriangleMommies. Yes, in all seriousness, I would never have thought that I would open up my doors to fellow mommies and their little ones, let them run rampant throughout the first floor of my home, and not think twice.

And yes, I had my fears the first time someone came over to pick up me and my daughter for a few hours at the farmers market. And I certainly thought twice before letting someone come over and play, or when hubby dropped me off at someone's house for a few hours so Isabella and I could have communication with someone besides each other. And she was so tiny that there wasn't much happening between us verbally at that point!

And yet, here I am. After my most recent play date I will say that I have lost count of the number of times I've opened my doors and welcomed in strangers. But to me, these are friends, future friends and friends for my child. And I trust that we're all in this together, so it's worth it. I figure that opening my home to people who are just like me, or completely on the opposite end of the spectrum gives me an opportunity to meet new people, learn more about the mommies in my community, and make a number of new friends, and I haven't been let down yet!

So if you're out there and feeling kind of lonely, looking for some fellow moms to come over and play, check out The Mommies Network and find a group near you! You'll be glad you did. I know I am!

This post was written by Andrea Bates, username ACE1028 on TriangleMommies.

A Different Kind Of Sunday

In today's fast-paced world, it is easy to escape to our computer and televisions. When we need information quickly, we rush to the computer. Occasionally we side-tracked as we surf the Internet, which consumes a lot of our family time. I am very guilty of this. Especially when I am stressed, I dash to the computer to "get my fix" of gossip or games. Of course we all need our down time, but the key is moderation and setting limits for our families. We have to lead by example, and show our kids that avoiding responsibilities and communication is not healthy or helpful.

Of these two big time-eaters (television and Internet), for me it is the computer which gets in the way of housework or other responsibilities. I rarely watch television unless it is with my son. I admit that sometimes I park him in front of the TV so I can work on the computer. I am careful about what he watches though, and I insist that the programs are educational and interactive. Also I usually sit with him so we can talk about it and I can reinforce the learning. There are some excellent pre-school programs on channels like PBS Sprout and Noggin. One of the few non-educational shows that I do let him watch is Sponge Bob Square Pants, but we all need a little humor and silliness in our life. And let's face it, nobody is perfect!

Dependence on computers and television takes time and energy away from our families. This time could be just as easily spent in conversation at a family meal or other activity. I remember reading somewhere about how little time people spend with their families today, and I can't provide the exact figure but it was really sad! It said a lot about how screwed up our family values are, and ultimately affects the way the world works. If everyone spent a few hours more a week away from the computers and instead with their families, I think we could make a difference. Is anyone willing to try this yet?

So now I will share some of my own personal experience and how I was motivated to write this article by my two-year-old son's recent behavior. One day, he went so far as to make a "lock" across my computer chair with a string and told me to "GET OFF OF THE COMPUTER!" It was like a booby trap, and he even told me what he was making: a lock to keep me away! He was obviously jealous and was trying to get my attention. I stopped in my tracks and made a pact that day to work on this. I have noticed that often he trashes my house to get my attention while I work on the computer. Sometimes I let him and then find myself getting angry about the huge mess. I have found that the right thing to do is stop what I am doing and get down and play with him. This shows him I care and that he is important to me. My other option is to continue working while I get more aggravated and frustrated, which results in more mistakes. So the next time your child sends you a message like this, what will you do?

I decided right then and there to admit my problem and take steps to change. I made a sign in permanent marker which read: "NO COMPUTER TODAY UNTIL 9 PM TONIGHT. CAUTION: I MAY BE SLIGHTLY CRANKY. I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE!" I added a smiley face for positive reinforcement and hung my sign on the computer screen. My family was even supportive by not turning the computer on all day to tempt or tease me. They were really surprised that I did it, and even offered to let me turn it on a half hour earlier but I stuck to my guns. I was so proud the fact that I kept my promise and of all that I accomplished that day. Here are a few examples of what I did: gave my dog a bath, cleaned up my backyard, swept and mopped the floor, laundry, dishes, made a nice meal, made a car out of a box for my son, read to him, colored, etc...... I just felt better all around!

Sunday has always been our family day and we rarely go anywhere. However this was a different kind of Sunday. Until my son brought this to my attention with his creative protest, I did not realize how bad my computer addiction was. Sure my family complained often about it, but I would never admit to having a problem. Now I know I do!

Often it is the children who are our best teachers. When we pay attention to their gentle reminders, we can take time to stop and smell the roses which were there all along but we were too busy to notice.

I plan to continue this tomorrow by spending more time with my family and less time on the computer. I actually invited my aunt and cousins over to help bake cookies for an upcoming family party. I also plan to make some "Mommy Time" for doing puzzles, painting and playing with blocks. I will report back next week!

I hope I have convinced some of you to stop and take a look at how you spend your time. Now that I have shared some of my experience, I am waiting to hear about yours.

Who is going to join me on this?

This post was written by a member of BuffaloMommies.

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I am not alone

As my husband and I started our family and I became a stay at home mom, I struggled with finding others in the same stages of motherhood that I was in. Sure I talked to neighbors and chit chatted with other moms at church, but all those moms were so put together. They were precisely dressed, had diaper bags full of every imaginable item they may need, and a list of what they needed to purchase at the grocery store. They surely would not be able to relate to my disarray and insecurity about motherhood. I had joined a national pregnancy website, but really wasn't sure how I could gain friendship from someone with whom I would never be able to meet face to face. So I went online in search of a local moms group and found The Mommies Network. I registered for membership and wondered if I really might be the only mom who struggled with getting a shower each day.

As my membership was approved, I sat back and read more than anything. Hesitantly, I began posting about myself and before I knew it we were discussing more than our names and children's ages. Together we talked about the reality of being a stay at home mom....accidentally walking around all day in clothes that had spit up on them, wondering how it could be 3pm and we hadn't even gotten a shower yet, struggling with even getting to the grocery store in between nap times and feedings, and trying to figure out how we were not like all those moms that seemed so much more capable. Do you know what I found out? We were those moms that we were comparing ourselves to. It was then that it occured to me that I was not the only one who was trying to find my path through motherhood. I opened up even more and began hosting play dates and going to moms night outs, and that was when the friendships really began to blossom.

I had not understood the true connection I had made with these moms, until I began to suffer from post partum depression after my third child was born. I found that as my family grew, so did my isolation. I started to lose my sense of self and was finding it hard to even continue the relationships that I had just made. I was reluctant to discuss my struggles with them, in fear of compromising our friendship. If I couldn't even understand all these strange thoughts and feelings, how in the world would they be able to? Finally setting aside my reluctance, I reached out and again found that I was not the only one. Together we talked openly about our insecurities and strangest darkest thoughts. Simply by being able to talk openly in a judgment free zone, we were helping each other through this rough time in our lives and securing an even deeper friendship with more moms.

With our family complete and our three boys rapidly outgrowing our first home, my husband and I made the decision to move to another state. I feared having to start all over again with no friends and limited family around. However, The Mommies Network had grown as well and there was now a local site in the town where we were moving. My fears subsided, as I knew that with this local site the opportunity for friendships would be abundant. As I have changed from a mom fumbling through sleep deprivation, battling post partum depression, and potty training; to registering for Kindergarten, finding ways to get my kids to do their homework, and trying to balance motherhood and a career, The Mommies Network has given me a wide variety of friendships and one lasting realization.....I am not alone.

This post was written by Sue, a member of YorkCountyMommies.

TMN feature on Sprout for Parents!

Chelle, a member of the TMN Operations Board, recently chatted with Diana from Sprout for Parents regarding The Mommies Network and some of the great benefits to joining a TMN community. Check out the article here! You can even leave a comment if you want!

While you're there, be sure to check the "About our Experts" page too and read a bit about Chelle!