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Monday, October 26, 2009

Mommy and Wife

Obviously when you have an infant, your child is your first priority always. However I have had this discussion with a few of my girlfriends, and it is hard when you have your first baby to be both a mom and a wife sometimes. I have learned through the past three months how to be a mom, and it was a very stressful and amazing transition. However, before I had my baby I had a lot of resentment towards my husband. My hormones were raging and I felt like he had no idea how I was feeling and what I was going through. It was a stressful time for me because I was preparing for childbirth and for a huge change in my life. Then when I came home with the baby, of course he and I both had to get use to having our little one, and how to take care of her. We both experienced confusion, exhaustion, and happiness. As time has moved forward now (three months exactly) I am coming to find that I feel very overwhelmed trying to be both a mother and a wife. I am constantly trying to keep up with looking for a job, cleaning the house, feeding and taking care of the baby, and getting through each day. I feel like my entire world is my child as I still adjust to her schedule, and her constant changes. When it comes to time with my husband, I am too exhausted or honestly just wanting some alone time. I also have noticed that I feel resentment again, because I feel as if I do everything with the baby and I am left with no help from him. I don't want this blog to be about my husband or negative comments about him, because he and I are both going through changes. It is just difficult because you expect men to understand or open their eyes and see you and all you go through. You want them to naturally be aware of the amount of effort you put into each day and want to help you. I am sure all of us feel that way, and of course I know that happens in my dream world.

I have heard many people's marriages take a toll when a new baby comes into the household because both husband and wife are not understanding each other's feelings. My husband may want me to notice he works and he is tired, and I am at home and therefore I take care of the baby. When he is off he wants to relax and have time to himself. I understand this whole concept, truly I do, but I feel that when you have kids, say goodbye to your personal relaxation time and hello to being a parent. I think of when I get a moment to relax, it is usually when I go to bed at night or when I am venting on my blog (lol). There is always something to be done, and with our economy and personally being unemployed, I never get a moment of peace. I want him to see me and say, hey you need a break, you sleep an extra hour and I will help you out today. The most simple things like showering without worrying about a baby crying or sleeping for another hour when your up every morning at 5am is such a treat! When you have to constantly ask for help, it is wearing, and frustrating. I have a lot of new mommy friend's who are experiencing similar conversations with their husbands, " You have no idea what I do all day! What I have to go through! What do you think I sit around all day relaxing?"

My husband and I were given advice by a friend which was; for me to go out an entire day and leave the baby home with him with a list of things to do, such as laundry or cleaning. This is so he can identify and experience what I go through during my day. We have yet to do this....I mean I run errands alone occasionally, but I am still waiting for us to plan a day. I also have to be prepared for an eventful evening when I come home since the baby's schedule may be out of whack, since mommy and daddy do things a little different :) I just find that the compliments on how nice I look, or what a good job I am doing, no longer exist. This builds resentment, which then in turn causes me not to be the wife I can and want to be. It is all a learning experience which I am sure we will get through, it is just frustrating and disheartening in the process. My favorite phrase I tell my friends when they are frustrated is, " You love him dearly, but you don't always have to like him" :)
This post was submitted by Molly Bortree. Visit her blog at

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