I love my wife. She has given me the best eight years of my life. She has been my support and my strength, blessing me with laughter, life and love. She has given me my beautiful daughter and has stood by me through everything.
But man, sometimes …
I know these words might fall on deaf ears considering the audience is, well, The Mommies Network. But ladies, I promise my words are not just my own. I am sure that every man out there — every man that stands by your side day in and day out — is thinking many of these same thoughts. And most only think them because they’re smart enough to stay quiet.
I’m not so smart. Many who know me could attest to that. So I will let you in on a couple little secrets, a couple of things that you might want to think about before you yell at us for the next thing you’re going to yell at us for (Yes, I ended that sentence with a preposition. Are you going to yell at me?).
- You get to sleep in as much as we do. Count’em up. Guarantee there have been plenty of mornings that we’ve gotten up with the little ones while you’ve dreamt of Patrick Dempsey, Jon Bon Jovi or another over the hill “heartthrob.”
- And when we do sleep in, it’s not even close to your “sleeping in.” Men doze until 8:30, maybe 9 in the morning. Women hibernate until noon. I would like to copyright the “2-for-1 rule,” where every sleep-in morning for women gets men two of the same. Or one round of golf, no questions asked.
- I play with our child all the time. You’re just not looking when I do it. Ditto for doing the laundry, washing the dishes, and cleaning the house.
- I know our child repeats everything. I know those naughty words are supposed to be off limits, but sometimes it’s just really funny to get our child going. I love hearing my child scream “?@!&%? fumble” when the Jets give up a go-ahead touchdown in the fourth quarter. It’s much more fun than hearing it from your father.
- I know how to change a diaper, thank you very much. But when our child is screaming at the top of her lungs because I’m doing it instead of you, flailing like a fish about to meet a sushi knife, then you should just take one for the team.
- We do things differently dear. Please understand that the same way you so something might not be the way I was taught to do the same exact thing. You learned that the best way to clean the floors was to sweep first, vacuum second, and then use the Swiffer. I learned to get a dog.
- I understand our child will develop our bad habits if we don’t change. You’re saying I can’t smoke, drink, use foul language or stay up late, and I have to eat healthier, brush my teeth three times a day and be more considerate to others? Are you sure this is my child?
- I will absolutely give you the remote. The batteries, however, are mine.
James Moffat is a former journalist and the author of Growing Up Kaitlyn. He and his wife, Michelle, have been married for nearly four wonderful years (plus another two) and are the parents of 21-month-old Kaitlyn Riley. You can reach him at email@example.com, or tweet him @jamesmoffat.