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Monday, October 12, 2009

Can I Press Pause?

I was looking through some old pictures today and thinking about the past, and how far my life has come, and how so much has changed. Some days I miss being young (a child) and having no worries in the world about money, jobs, etc. It was such a blissful time....and we don't seem to realize that until we are much older. The benefit of this is that I can make sure my daughter experiences the same happiness that I had throughout my childhood. I think back to all of the decisions I made both good and bad, and all of the choices I made that have gotten me where I am today. I always liked the song by Rascal Flatts, "God Bless the Broken Road" because I think it can apply not only to your spouse or partner, but your children also. I think about how even five years ago, I never would have imagined my life as it is now. I don't feel comfortable explaining every detail of my past, ,mainly because my close friends already know all the details. I was not in a good place in life mainly inside my head. I could not seem to find happiness and when I did, it would fall out from underneath me as if someone pulled it out. I felt hopeless a lot, confused and I ruined past loves due to all of my confusions.

My husband always tells me not to play the "what if" game, but who are we kidding, everyone does it in the privacy of their head. It could be over someone you use to love, or a career choice, or anything of your choice. I have to admit I love thinking back to my memories first loves, fun times, and careless mistakes that were fun though at the moment. Sometimes I think my memories keep me sane and happy on those really bad days. I just heard that song on the radio by Taylor Swift about when your fifteen and you believe him when he says he loves you....I smiled, because I loved those feelings and thinking about them. I have had a long day which wasn't the best and hearing that sent me back and it made me smile. I have similar experiences with my daughter, because nothing can ever bring me down the way I would get in the past, because I look at her and she smiles, and my heart melts.

I was talking with a girlfriend the other night, and we were discussing how stressful it is being a mother sometimes because you feel you have to take on so many roles all at once. You are a mother to your child, a wife to your husband and for many, a working woman. When do you get to be you? and do you even know who you are anymore? I sometimes feel I forget about the things that I like and dislike because I am more concerned if the bottles are clean or if the baby is happy, and what to make for dinner, and will I have the energy to listen to my husband talk to me about his work day. Also you have to include house cleaning, laundry, the loss of beauty due to spit on on everything, and lack of sleep. Did I mention your extended family and their problems? It is a mountain of love, stress, and can I press pause for a moment? I honestly believe that no husband or man will ever truly get it. I am sorry to all the men for saying that, but it is true. I have yet to go out for an entire day and leave my baby home with my husband. It is mainly because she knows me and our routine together, and daddy does not. I just think it is important for our husbands to understand our brains right now. I only have two hands, and a limited amount of energy which is always on reserve solely for the baby. I don't enjoy having my butt grabbed while I am burping the that not common sense?

I am not downing the husband's, but I have a feeling moms will stand united in the fact that they may never get it. The one thing that has helped a lot is reconnecting with old friends who are now moms. We can all share stories, stresses and experiences. When a girlfriend tells me she is experiencing the same things I am, I feel so relieved. My girlfriend told me she went to the movies alone for the first time, and didn't mind it at all. I thought to myself, I would love that! lol. I have a new favorite quote to end this blog with, " If you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on" -Franklin Roosevelt.

This post was written by Molly Bortree. Visit her blog at

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